Who the hell uses only one sheet of toilet paper? I was sitting in a public bathroom today trying to avoid having the head of my dick touch porcelain exposed by the gap in the front of the toilet seat. I failed; now I have AIDS….fucking sucks… anyways, so I am sitting there, getting AIDS, and reading anything that will pass as a language, text, or gibberish to take my mind off the process. I find the standard “Call Tonya for the best B.J. [random phone number to some elementary school or other unsuspecting innocents]”. After that it is the casual knife carving of a penis or “I’m awesome”…sure enough followed by someone crossing out “Awesome” and writing “Gay”. So, I am perusing the various pictographs and witty quips of generations of bathroom goers, finally able to shit now that I have found bathroom Zen, and then prepare for clean up. The toilet paper was just sitting upright as no one ever cleans the bathroom, and the janitor apparently can’t be bothered to install the tissue correctly in the holder. “That’s fine by me”, I mouth silently to myself. I start pulling the tissue paper expecting to spool it out easily into the unnecessarily gigantic gobs that I apparently require to wipe an area the size of quarter. I get three sheets into the pull and it parts. I pull again, undeterred. Two sheets this time [mild frown]. Pulled again; one sheet [“really?” face]. Pulled once again; one sheet, again! “Okay, really?!” I yelp loud enough for the other stalls to share in my dissatisfaction. At this point I am irritated that, not only am I getting a miniscule amount of shit paper, but I am, apparently, getting less with each pull. Then, in a moment of environmental consciousness, I think to myself, “Hey Rusty, do you REALLY NEED two fistfuls of paper per wipe, can’t you save trees in the Amazon and just use that one sheet you were given?” [face goes from calm thinker to enraged shitter again]. “FUCK TREES!” I yell. Anyone who WAS trying to ignore me and tend to their individual shitting experience can no longer shut me out. “FUCK THIS TOILET PAPER TOO!” In a rage I go “bored house cat” on the spool of toilet paper to my endless frustration. If you were standing outside the stall waiting, you’d see it snowing single sheets in the opening under the door. I grab a trembling fist full of singles and pack my ass crack full of them nearly getting shit all over my wrist in the attempt. I then pull up my pants settling for mud butt rather than being in that stall one moment longer. Out of spite, I smash my hand on every closed stall door on the way out like my palm was Thor’s fucking hammer and yelling “FUCK TREES!”
Ha Ha Ha! You need to build a "nest" and scoot back a little to avoid catching toilet AIDS.
ReplyDeleteI don't think they invented those holders that dispense only one sheet at a time for environmental reasons. I think they do it to minimize the cost of providing the toilet paper. R
I usually try to build a nest and flop my bratwurst onto it, or shove it into it, but this time I was in a hurry and hit the tip on the bowl edge right off the bat. So, I automatically got AIDS, after that I just said fuck it, the worst I can get is Herpes by leaving it there. I've already got AIDS, so Herpes ain't shit.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite public toilet moments was at a night club in DC. I had to take a shit, and I hit up a bathroom that had only one stall. Lo and behold, I realized, after taking a shit, that the stall was out of toilet paper. I had to wait for people to leave the bathroom, shuffle out quickly, grab a bunch of paper towels and shuffle back into the stall (it was in the nick of time too). After doing this a couple times, I had to settle for a little bit of "mud ass" because paper towels just don't cut it in that area. I didn't totally finish until I hit up another club later that night. R
ReplyDeleteI've had that before and I just turn my hand into a scoop and shovel it out like those scoops in the candy store you'd use to get a bag full of Sour Patch Kids or Swiss Fish. Usually one good scoop does the trick, then I just monkey chuck it against the inside of the stall door, THWACK! and I'm done.
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