Have you ever tried and succeeded in shitting into a bag? I have and have. Now, I’m not talking some large trash bag or some pseudo toilet set up, or even shitting in a hole and then scooping it into a bag like when you’re camping. I’m talking squatting over a quart-sized Ziploc sandwich bag and shitting into it with the precision of a diamantaire trying to create an Asscher Cut diamond. Why didn’t I just shit in the toilet you ask? (sarcastic and condescending tone) “Well…ummm…the Hurricane, maybe….?” You see, I was trapped by Hurricane Irene in a room about 12ft by 12ft; don’t ask why, it’s a longer story than you’ll want to read. Having a sudden onset of “Punching Midget Bowels” (see my post THUNDER POO from 15AUG2011) I debated between braving the gale force winds and certain death or shitting in-house. I opted for shitting in-house. Frantically, I scurried around the small space looking for the essentials: something to shit into; something to wipe the shit off with; and something else to put the something I shit into…into, to reduce the smell. I found some cloth rags, some scraps of paper towels, an old TPS report and I even sacrificed one of my socks for the cause. Now, not only did I have to squat over this bag and shit into it, but because it’s was a sandwich sized bag, I had to hold it with both hands. Last thing I needed was to miss the mark and shit on my hands or have an unexpected blow out which would rip the bag away from me. So, squatting, I had my left hand in front holding one end of the bag and right hand in rear under my ass holding the other side of the bag. I held it open and went for it. Operation Soft Serve was a success! Oh shit, wait! I have to pee! I forgot! I always have to pee right as I’ve finished shitting...can’t….stop….it,…too….late! Operation Golden Shower was in full affect. In a moment of clarity, I realize what needed to be done. I release my right hand grip on the now poo-filled bag and with my left quickly jostle it into an inline position with my dick. Oooooohhhhh….that’s nice. As I am sitting their urinating atop my own shit, into a Ziploc bag, in a small confined space, during the middle of hurricane, I can’t help but feel like a mangy homeless dog squat-shitting on someone’s pristine lawn in the suburbs. Phew, finally I finished. I wiped my ass, sealed up the bag with the convenient Ziploc bag seals; yellow stripe, blue stripe, makes green stripe and we’re all set. Operation Irene, which is the overall name for both Operations Soft Serve and Golden Shower, was a complete success. Now I just gotta figure out which mail box to put this Ziploc bag full of shitty-piss into.
You just reminded me that I should probably go take a shit before the power goes out. R
ReplyDeleteI was worried about that earlier. If I hadn't taken a shit when I did, I had a plan anyway for a power-out-shit-situation. I have some glow sticks at home for the rave parties I have for me and my cats on the weekends. I'd gulp down about 12 of those little fuckers (glow sticks,not cats). That way even if every light source on the planet went out, on a cloudy, moonless night then I, alone, could light the path to safety by squat-walking while I crap out a shitty glowing ginger bread trail. That's just what I'd do though, you could also consider like..a flashlight or something I suppose. Just sayin'.
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