HURRICANE STRENGTH HEMORRHOIDS

Have you ever tried and succeeded in shitting into a bag?  I have and have.  Now, I’m not talking some large trash bag or some pseudo toilet set up, or even shitting in a hole and then scooping it into a bag like when you’re camping.  I’m talking squatting over a quart-sized Ziploc sandwich bag and shitting into it with the precision of a diamantaire trying to create an Asscher Cut diamond.  Why didn’t I just shit in the toilet you ask?  (sarcastic and condescending tone) “Well…ummm…the Hurricane, maybe….?”  You see, I was trapped by Hurricane Irene in a room about 12ft by 12ft; don’t ask why, it’s a longer story than you’ll want to read.  Having a sudden onset of “Punching Midget Bowels” (see my post THUNDER POO from 15AUG2011) I debated between braving the gale force winds and certain death or shitting in-house.  I opted for shitting in-house.  Frantically, I scurried around the small space looking for the essentials: something to shit into; something to wipe the shit off with; and something else to put the something I shit into…into, to reduce the smell.  I found some cloth rags, some scraps of paper towels, an old TPS report and I even sacrificed one of my socks for the cause.  Now, not only did I have to squat over this bag and shit into it, but because it’s was a sandwich sized bag, I had to hold it with both hands.  Last thing I needed was to miss the mark and shit on my hands or have an unexpected blow out which would rip the bag away from me.  So, squatting, I had my left hand in front holding one end of the bag and right hand in rear under my ass holding the other side of the bag.  I held it open and went for it.  Operation Soft Serve was a success!  Oh shit, wait! I have to pee!  I forgot!  I always have to pee right as I’ve finished shitting...can’t….stop….it,…too….late!  Operation Golden Shower was in full affect.  In a moment of clarity, I realize what needed to be done.  I release my right hand grip on the now poo-filled bag and with my left quickly jostle it into an inline position with my dick.  Oooooohhhhh….that’s nice.  As I am sitting their urinating atop my own shit, into a Ziploc bag, in a small confined space, during the middle of hurricane, I can’t help but feel like a mangy homeless dog squat-shitting on someone’s pristine lawn in the suburbs.  Phew, finally I finished.  I wiped my ass, sealed up the bag with the convenient Ziploc bag seals; yellow stripe, blue stripe, makes green stripe and we’re all set.  Operation Irene, which is the overall name for both Operations Soft Serve and Golden Shower, was a complete success.  Now I just gotta figure out which mail box to put this Ziploc bag full of shitty-piss into.      

TECHNICOLOR MIDGETS

Do you remember those ball pits, like they had in places like Chuck E. Cheese’s?  You know, it was an open pit filled about 3 to 4 feet deep with hollow plastic colored balls.  You’d jump in through some orifice suspended above the pit and sift around amongst the balls, pretending to drown in the balls (not meant to be a joke but still funny), swimming in the pit, hiding from your friends, and just generally carrying on.  Well, as fun as it was…..there’s a dark side to the ball pit.  About 2 years ago I was part of a South American country to country tour promoting my Exotic Cheese Company (it’s a side project I’m doing just for fun).  My partner, Carlos, and I had just wrapped up a long day of meet and greets with the local businesses in the area and decided we wanted to go out and blow off some steam. 

Of course, this isn’t the first time I’d been to Ecuador so I wasn’t looking for the usual tourist spots…I wanted the seedy underbelly; the good stuff.  So, Carlos and I go to this spot he knows about.  He says to me “El Rusto, have chu ever been to a cock fight?”  [ME] “I would ask which version of the noun COCK you are referring to, but in either case the answer would be YES.”  [Carlos] “Well, El Rusto, chu have no seen nussing yet den, I haf for chu something muy especial!”  [ME]”Oh really, well Carlos, you have me intrigued; lead the way.”  After a short period of walking through corrugated steel walled corridors that flowed through the various shanties we came upon a rusty steel door. It had been painted a brilliant red once, long ago, but was now faded and corroded, and you could hear faint howling and garbled sounds just beyond it.  [Carlos] “This chit makes eh cock fight seem like a tea time partee wit chur leetle niece.”  Carlos thrusts the door open to reveal a large room with a pit in the middle that is completely surrounded by tiered benches.  On-lookers are placing bets and screaming from upon the benches into the activity in the pit below.  The pit was filled to the brim with colored plastic balls.  “Is this a shitty Ecuadorian Chuck E. Cheese’s knock off?” I said to myself.  There are two ropes leading into the balls, which were secured to cleats just outside of the pit.  I was trying to figure out what all the screaming and shit talking from the bleachers was about, as I couldn’t see anything amongst the balls.  At that moment I heard a loud shriek come from within the ball pit and a tiny fist, cut off cleanly, still clenching the dagger it was apparently holding, came flying out up into the crowd.  The crowd suddenly went silent.  One of the ropes then snapped taught against the cleat.  A man came running up, untied the rope and hauled up what was attached to it.  It was a dwarf, sweating profusely, with blood, which was not his own, covering him. 

It seemed obvious that he must have been the victor in whatever was going on down there in the depths of the balls.  The other rope was hauled up and what was left of a midget came up, limbs dangling by just the tendons and pieces falling off, and quite clearly dead.  [ME] “Carlos, what the fuck is going on here?”  [Carlos] “Eese fucking meedgit fighting El Rusto! Keep watching; my favorite fighter is coming up, El Gaupo eez heez name.”  

 El Gaupo is a primordial Dwarf which, if you don’t know, aren’t exactly very imposing looking as they are considerably smaller than even a dwarf.  Don’t let the looks deceive you though, El Guapo is a beast. They pitted him up against a full grown Laron Syndrome dwarf.  I thought for sure El Gaupo was gonna get fucked up as Laron’s don’t usually have the disadvantage of disproportionatly short arms and legs, as many typical dwarfs do.  They both jumped into the pit, disappearing into the balls; you can imagine the terror running through each of them as they sift through the balls unable to see anything.  They were completely covered by the balls.  It’s like hunting a panther through a dense Technicolor jungle hoping your reflexes are faster than its when it pounces on you.  Suddenly, a loud howl erupts from the pit!  A thick constant spray of blood comes shooting out of the balls and just like the sprayers at the Bellagio in Vegas, swayed back and forth and all around.  The howling continued to get louder and louder until a loud crack of what could only be the femur of one of the contender’s legs is heard.  Then another bone crack, followed by sheer terror screaming.  Then, when we could barely handle the blood curdling howls a moment longer, came a loud hacking sound and gargling.  Then complete silence.  Once again, the rope went taught.  They pulled on the rope and out came El Guapo!!  He was completely soaked in blood, intestines, brain bits; you name it, he was covered in it.  He had the Laron dwarf’s full head by the hair in his left hand, followed by nothing but the full spinal cord attached to it, which he had, apparently, ripped out with his bare hands.  They tried to pull the Laron dwarf’s body up, but the body must had been in such bad shape that the rope had nothing to attach to anymore.  So, Carlos was right, Technicolor ball pit midget fighting blows cock fighting, of either kind, out of the fucking water.  Next time you're in Ecuador ask around, you just might get to experience a Technicolor Midget fight of your own, I highly recommend it.

THUNDER POO

This one will be short, I promise.  I figured I’d start the week off on the right foot.  At this very moment I have a log of shit so huge, in my ass, that it literally feels like I ate a midget while he was asleep, and he woke up, and is now punching his way through my intestinal track to get out the other end.  I am trying to figure out what the fuck I ate so as to never replicate this experience again.  In addition, I am not in a position nor in the location where I have facilities TO shit, so, essentially, I’m stuck.  I feel like I’m in some sweat shop in Bangladesh and I have a very specific job.  All I have to do is test butt plugs…on myself.  I test various different sizes from virgin asshole poppers to porn butt fisters.  My main testing objective is to determine if the shape of the butt plug is conducive to plugging butt, without losing the device inside the rectum completely.  You see, that is why, typically, butt plugs have that Mario Brothers Goomba shape, so that you won’t go, “OH SHIT! Ummmm… I…just…..lost… the butt plug.”  Cause I’ll tell you what, if you think it’s hard getting a butt plug IN to your butt…. try getting that motherfucker OUT after it shoots inside your anal cavity.  You may have to go child birth style on that thing with obstetrical forceps and a shit load of Vaseline.  You gotta turn that thing around, get a good grip, maybe put a leg or two on the hip bones of the victim as leverage, then yank that fucker out!  I’ll tell you what though; at least I’d be a hit at parties… [ME] “Hey you fucks, check out what I can do!” [PARTY GOER #1] “What’s Rusty doing? He’s just sitting on that black stool.  What’s so special about that?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Bro, that’s not a stool, that’s a giant butt plug.” [PARTY GOER #1] “Uhhh…what the fuck? Are you fucking serious?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Shhh…just watch he’s about to start, this shit’ll blow your mind..” [ME] “ Alright! Here…I…Goooouuuuuunnnngggghhhhhhhfffuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!”