THUNDER POO

This one will be short, I promise.  I figured I’d start the week off on the right foot.  At this very moment I have a log of shit so huge, in my ass, that it literally feels like I ate a midget while he was asleep, and he woke up, and is now punching his way through my intestinal track to get out the other end.  I am trying to figure out what the fuck I ate so as to never replicate this experience again.  In addition, I am not in a position nor in the location where I have facilities TO shit, so, essentially, I’m stuck.  I feel like I’m in some sweat shop in Bangladesh and I have a very specific job.  All I have to do is test butt plugs…on myself.  I test various different sizes from virgin asshole poppers to porn butt fisters.  My main testing objective is to determine if the shape of the butt plug is conducive to plugging butt, without losing the device inside the rectum completely.  You see, that is why, typically, butt plugs have that Mario Brothers Goomba shape, so that you won’t go, “OH SHIT! Ummmm… I…just…..lost… the butt plug.”  Cause I’ll tell you what, if you think it’s hard getting a butt plug IN to your butt…. try getting that motherfucker OUT after it shoots inside your anal cavity.  You may have to go child birth style on that thing with obstetrical forceps and a shit load of Vaseline.  You gotta turn that thing around, get a good grip, maybe put a leg or two on the hip bones of the victim as leverage, then yank that fucker out!  I’ll tell you what though; at least I’d be a hit at parties… [ME] “Hey you fucks, check out what I can do!” [PARTY GOER #1] “What’s Rusty doing? He’s just sitting on that black stool.  What’s so special about that?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Bro, that’s not a stool, that’s a giant butt plug.” [PARTY GOER #1] “Uhhh…what the fuck? Are you fucking serious?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Shhh…just watch he’s about to start, this shit’ll blow your mind..” [ME] “ Alright! Here…I…Goooouuuuuunnnngggghhhhhhhfffuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!”

MASTURBADEER

I had a job a few years back that required a lot of driving.  Usually 2-3 hours of driving most days of the week.   Sometimes I would end up driving up to 8 hours or more depending on what was being asked of me.   Obviously, as you can imagine, drives of that length on open roads in a place like Montana can get pretty boring.  One particular day I was on the road by 8 A.M. heading to a town that was about 6 hours away.  I got to the town, did the job I was assigned to do for most of the day and proceeded back home in the early evening.  I now had a full 6 hour drive back home to look forward to.  I have found that, just like The Count of Monte Cristo when he was trapped in the Château d'If , you can only entertain yourself in so many ways when you are alone.  You can only listen to so much AM Radio before the combination of Sean Hannity and NPR makes you want to start up a protest rally against yourself.   You can only sing the Tetris theme song so many different ways before you aren’t even funny to yourself anymore.  There is only so much gold you can dig for in your nose before the mine is tapped.  Honking your horn at cows is just dumb and talking to yourself is just as pointless.  There is, however, one thing you can NEVER get bored of doing while driving on long trips with nothing to do.  CAR JACKING, and I don’t mean the stopped-at-a-red-light-in-Newark-New Jersey-at-2 o’clock-in-the morning type of carjacking.  So, there I am… it’s just after midnight, I’m still about an hour and a half away from home, and I’m driving at a smooth 95 miles an hour in the company dodge stratus.  I manage to strip down to just my socks, while driving.  Hey, don’t look at me like that; just undressing at that speed took a good 10 minutes of time off the trip.  Well worth it, in my opinion.  I then proceed with “Operation Purple Mushroom”.   I typically yell at myself the whole time, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”, as it helps me keep the rhythm plus I love that children’s nursery story; what’s it called again?….That’s right, The Little Engine that Could, thanks for reminding me.  Anyways, so at this point I’m sweating my ass off.  I cannot remember the last time I looked at the road and get concerned that I might be missing something.  I look up just in time to see the HERD of deer, yes I said HERD, that are crossing the road about 40 feet in front of me.  If I had to guess I’d estimate 80 deer in length, and about 10 deer deep.  I have no time to react, stop, speed up, or anything.  Amazingly, a small gap, about 8 feet wide, opens in the HERD and I barrel right through the hole like a gay guy in an ass fucking contest.  Deer heads clipped my right side mirror they were so close on either side and I burst out the other side; the herd once again disappearing into the night.  At this point I immediately ejaculate!  To be honest with you, despite almost plowing into a wall of deer, butt naked, at 95 miles an hour, in the company car, in bum fuck Montana, while jacking off, that was probably the best masturbation EVER!  I’ll tell you what though, coming so close to death in a Dodge Stratus will make you appreciate cumming all over yourself in a Dodge Stratus.