THUNDER POO

This one will be short, I promise.  I figured I’d start the week off on the right foot.  At this very moment I have a log of shit so huge, in my ass, that it literally feels like I ate a midget while he was asleep, and he woke up, and is now punching his way through my intestinal track to get out the other end.  I am trying to figure out what the fuck I ate so as to never replicate this experience again.  In addition, I am not in a position nor in the location where I have facilities TO shit, so, essentially, I’m stuck.  I feel like I’m in some sweat shop in Bangladesh and I have a very specific job.  All I have to do is test butt plugs…on myself.  I test various different sizes from virgin asshole poppers to porn butt fisters.  My main testing objective is to determine if the shape of the butt plug is conducive to plugging butt, without losing the device inside the rectum completely.  You see, that is why, typically, butt plugs have that Mario Brothers Goomba shape, so that you won’t go, “OH SHIT! Ummmm… I…just…..lost… the butt plug.”  Cause I’ll tell you what, if you think it’s hard getting a butt plug IN to your butt…. try getting that motherfucker OUT after it shoots inside your anal cavity.  You may have to go child birth style on that thing with obstetrical forceps and a shit load of Vaseline.  You gotta turn that thing around, get a good grip, maybe put a leg or two on the hip bones of the victim as leverage, then yank that fucker out!  I’ll tell you what though; at least I’d be a hit at parties… [ME] “Hey you fucks, check out what I can do!” [PARTY GOER #1] “What’s Rusty doing? He’s just sitting on that black stool.  What’s so special about that?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Bro, that’s not a stool, that’s a giant butt plug.” [PARTY GOER #1] “Uhhh…what the fuck? Are you fucking serious?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Shhh…just watch he’s about to start, this shit’ll blow your mind..” [ME] “ Alright! Here…I…Goooouuuuuunnnngggghhhhhhhfffuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!”

BLOWIN' UP YA OVARIES!

I’m so virile that my dick has it’s own dick

I impregnate women just by looking at them

In fact, any women reading this blog right now…you better go check yo’ muh fuckin’ shit, cause you’ve probably just been rustied…your welcome.

I ejaculate sperm the size of fish

With one sperm I can impregnate three women

If I ever die my balls have a half life of 20,000 years

I can interspecies impregnate, CAN YOU DO THAT SHIT! FUCK NO YOU CAN’T!  I can make cowpeople babies if I want to

I can get men pregnant.  You didn’t know that shit was even fucking possible did you?! Now you know.

My dick’s so hard it can punch through 3 cinder blocks.  IN A ROW!

My dick’s so hard I chop down trees with it

The Viagra commercial says “Call a doctor for an erection lasting more than 4 hours”,  my shit lasts for 48 hours NON STOP on a regular basis.

I ejaculate like a shotgun.  I'll blow yo' fuckin' ovaries, THE FUCK UP!

In the year 2356 female archaeologists will dig up a napkin with my sperm on it and instantly have a baby

My babies don’t wait no fuckin’ 9 months!    9 minutes!   BAM! BABY!  Fuckin’ done!

FUCK TREES!

Who the hell uses only one sheet of toilet paper?  I was sitting in a public bathroom today trying to avoid having the head of my dick touch porcelain exposed by the gap in the front of the toilet seat.  I failed; now I have AIDS….fucking sucks… anyways, so I am sitting there, getting AIDS, and reading anything that will pass as a language, text, or gibberish to take my mind off the process.  I find the standard “Call Tonya for the best B.J. [random phone number to some elementary school or other unsuspecting innocents]”.  After that it is the casual knife carving of a penis or “I’m awesome”…sure enough followed by someone crossing out “Awesome” and writing “Gay”.   So, I am perusing the various pictographs and witty quips of generations of bathroom goers, finally able to shit now that I have found bathroom Zen, and then prepare for clean up.  The toilet paper was just sitting upright as no one ever cleans the bathroom, and the janitor apparently can’t be bothered to install the tissue correctly in the holder.  “That’s fine by me”, I mouth silently to myself.  I start pulling the tissue paper expecting to spool it out easily into the unnecessarily gigantic gobs that I apparently require to wipe an area the size of quarter.  I get three sheets into the pull and it parts.  I pull again, undeterred.  Two sheets this time [mild frown].  Pulled again; one sheet [“really?” face].  Pulled once again; one sheet, again!  “Okay, really?!” I yelp loud enough for the other stalls to share in my dissatisfaction.  At this point I am irritated that, not only am I getting a miniscule amount of shit paper, but I am, apparently, getting less with each pull.  Then, in a moment of environmental consciousness, I think to myself, “Hey Rusty, do you REALLY NEED two fistfuls of paper per wipe, can’t you save trees in the Amazon and just use that one sheet you were given?” [face goes from calm thinker to enraged shitter again].  “FUCK TREES!” I yell.  Anyone who WAS trying to ignore me and tend to their individual shitting experience can no longer shut me out.  “FUCK THIS TOILET PAPER TOO!”  In a rage I go “bored house cat” on the spool of toilet paper to my endless frustration.  If you were standing outside the stall waiting, you’d see it snowing single sheets in the opening under the door.  I grab a trembling fist full of singles and pack my ass crack full of them nearly getting shit all over my wrist in the attempt.  I then pull up my pants settling for mud butt rather than being in that stall one moment longer.  Out of spite, I smash my hand on every closed stall door on the way out like my palm was Thor’s fucking hammer and yelling “FUCK TREES!”

REDWINGS. WHO'S THE REAL WINNER?

                                                                          

I have found that men wear it as a badge of honor having performed oral sex on a woman during her period, thus earning the coveted Redwing certification.  Who’s the real winner here though?  The man who performed the act or the women who GOT the man to perform the act?  For men, we don’t have a “special” time of the month for women to claim THEIR badge of honor.  The question is, who should be claiming that badge?  I’m starting to believe that women should be claiming that Redwing badge rather than the men.  They should tattoo it on their inner thigh like they tattooed Nazi or Japanese flags on airplanes during WWII to signify the amount of successful bombing runs.  Women should have it proudly displayed on their inner thigh as to how many men they have dooped into giving them head during their period.  Don’t be ashamed ladies, men may think they have the upper hand and grab ass about it while smoking cigars, but it’s really the women who wear the badge of the Redwings. 

Just a side note: Would vampires be, like, the redwing grand masters?  With additional stars mounted on top of their redwing badges signifying amounts of 5 per extra star?