HURRICANE STRENGTH HEMORRHOIDS

Have you ever tried and succeeded in shitting into a bag?  I have and have.  Now, I’m not talking some large trash bag or some pseudo toilet set up, or even shitting in a hole and then scooping it into a bag like when you’re camping.  I’m talking squatting over a quart-sized Ziploc sandwich bag and shitting into it with the precision of a diamantaire trying to create an Asscher Cut diamond.  Why didn’t I just shit in the toilet you ask?  (sarcastic and condescending tone) “Well…ummm…the Hurricane, maybe….?”  You see, I was trapped by Hurricane Irene in a room about 12ft by 12ft; don’t ask why, it’s a longer story than you’ll want to read.  Having a sudden onset of “Punching Midget Bowels” (see my post THUNDER POO from 15AUG2011) I debated between braving the gale force winds and certain death or shitting in-house.  I opted for shitting in-house.  Frantically, I scurried around the small space looking for the essentials: something to shit into; something to wipe the shit off with; and something else to put the something I shit into…into, to reduce the smell.  I found some cloth rags, some scraps of paper towels, an old TPS report and I even sacrificed one of my socks for the cause.  Now, not only did I have to squat over this bag and shit into it, but because it’s was a sandwich sized bag, I had to hold it with both hands.  Last thing I needed was to miss the mark and shit on my hands or have an unexpected blow out which would rip the bag away from me.  So, squatting, I had my left hand in front holding one end of the bag and right hand in rear under my ass holding the other side of the bag.  I held it open and went for it.  Operation Soft Serve was a success!  Oh shit, wait! I have to pee!  I forgot!  I always have to pee right as I’ve finished shitting...can’t….stop….it,…too….late!  Operation Golden Shower was in full affect.  In a moment of clarity, I realize what needed to be done.  I release my right hand grip on the now poo-filled bag and with my left quickly jostle it into an inline position with my dick.  Oooooohhhhh….that’s nice.  As I am sitting their urinating atop my own shit, into a Ziploc bag, in a small confined space, during the middle of hurricane, I can’t help but feel like a mangy homeless dog squat-shitting on someone’s pristine lawn in the suburbs.  Phew, finally I finished.  I wiped my ass, sealed up the bag with the convenient Ziploc bag seals; yellow stripe, blue stripe, makes green stripe and we’re all set.  Operation Irene, which is the overall name for both Operations Soft Serve and Golden Shower, was a complete success.  Now I just gotta figure out which mail box to put this Ziploc bag full of shitty-piss into.      

THUNDER POO

This one will be short, I promise.  I figured I’d start the week off on the right foot.  At this very moment I have a log of shit so huge, in my ass, that it literally feels like I ate a midget while he was asleep, and he woke up, and is now punching his way through my intestinal track to get out the other end.  I am trying to figure out what the fuck I ate so as to never replicate this experience again.  In addition, I am not in a position nor in the location where I have facilities TO shit, so, essentially, I’m stuck.  I feel like I’m in some sweat shop in Bangladesh and I have a very specific job.  All I have to do is test butt plugs…on myself.  I test various different sizes from virgin asshole poppers to porn butt fisters.  My main testing objective is to determine if the shape of the butt plug is conducive to plugging butt, without losing the device inside the rectum completely.  You see, that is why, typically, butt plugs have that Mario Brothers Goomba shape, so that you won’t go, “OH SHIT! Ummmm… I…just…..lost… the butt plug.”  Cause I’ll tell you what, if you think it’s hard getting a butt plug IN to your butt…. try getting that motherfucker OUT after it shoots inside your anal cavity.  You may have to go child birth style on that thing with obstetrical forceps and a shit load of Vaseline.  You gotta turn that thing around, get a good grip, maybe put a leg or two on the hip bones of the victim as leverage, then yank that fucker out!  I’ll tell you what though; at least I’d be a hit at parties… [ME] “Hey you fucks, check out what I can do!” [PARTY GOER #1] “What’s Rusty doing? He’s just sitting on that black stool.  What’s so special about that?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Bro, that’s not a stool, that’s a giant butt plug.” [PARTY GOER #1] “Uhhh…what the fuck? Are you fucking serious?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Shhh…just watch he’s about to start, this shit’ll blow your mind..” [ME] “ Alright! Here…I…Goooouuuuuunnnngggghhhhhhhfffuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!”