Have you ever tried to be EXTRA quiet for whatever reason; not to wake up the spouse, baby, dog, whatever, but you just ending up making a SHITLOAD of noise instead? I came home this morning, unusually early, and realized that my wife and baby weren’t up yet. Finally, some quiet time to myself. I went into the bathroom to change into my lounge shorts that were on the floor. Figuring, while I was there I'd take a piss. So I took a piss, and being the considerate husband that I am, lowered the toilet rim, which slipped out of my fingers and SLAMMED down onto the toilet making that wincingly loud “PAAAAP!” I stopped in my tracks, listening for the sounds of rustling in the bedroom, “Phew!” nothing…. good, back to what I was doing. I start to put on the shorts, thrusting my first leg through while balancing on the other. The problem was that there was a pool of water on the floor that I couldn’t see because the light was off. My single balancing leg immediately lost traction on the wet floor and flew out from under me. I attempted to catch myself but my leg was still tangled in my shorts and I hit the floor and side of the bathtub like a cow dropped from a second story building onto a fruit stand, “PUUH-DOOOM!” I’m starting to feel like I’m in an original BATMAN TV series episode; BOOM! POW! BLAM! After busting my ass, I nurse my sore areas while sharply yelping a muffled “Motherfucker!” Standing up, I hobble my way out of the bathroom and head to the bedroom to put my ear up to the door. I wanted to see if I could hear the baby crying or rustling without going in. As I limp over through the dark hallway I trip over a vacuum left out by my Wife and like an amateur pole vaulter I lunge forward, smashing my face directly into the door handle. The rest of my body hits the middle of the door causing a massive “KA-POOM!” that, within the bedroom, must have sounded like a WWII Nazi bunker getting hit with a 500LB bomb. I hit it so hard with my face that it knocked the door itself out of alignment with the frame. My wife jumps out of bed; the baby shit’s itself and starts crying; and cats are flying through the air like Hacky Sacks at a Nirvana concert and I am face down in the carpet with a concussion. Needless to say, my anticipated quiet time became anything but quiet. Fuck me, right?
