AS QUIET AS TWO GORILLAS, ON PCP, IN A LIBRARY

Have you ever tried to be EXTRA quiet for whatever reason; not to wake up the spouse, baby, dog, whatever, but you just ending up making a SHITLOAD of noise instead?  I came home this morning, unusually early, and realized that my wife and baby weren’t up yet.  Finally, some quiet time to myself.   I went into the bathroom to change into my lounge shorts that were on the floor.  Figuring, while I was there I'd take a piss.  So I took a piss, and being the considerate husband that I am, lowered the toilet rim, which slipped out of my fingers and SLAMMED down onto the toilet making that wincingly loud “PAAAAP!”  I stopped in my tracks, listening for the sounds of rustling in the bedroom, “Phew!” nothing…. good, back to what I was doing.  I start to put on the shorts, thrusting my first leg through while balancing on the other.  The problem was that there was a pool of water on the floor that I couldn’t see because the light was off.  My single balancing leg immediately lost traction on the wet floor and flew out from under me.  I attempted to catch myself but my leg was still tangled in my shorts and I hit the floor and side of the bathtub like a cow dropped from a second story building onto a fruit stand, “PUUH-DOOOM!”  I’m starting to feel like I’m in an original BATMAN TV series episode; BOOM! POW! BLAM!  After busting my ass, I nurse my sore areas while sharply yelping a muffled “Motherfucker!”  Standing up, I hobble my way out of the bathroom and head to the bedroom to put my ear up to the door.  I wanted to see if I could hear the baby crying or rustling without going in.  As I limp over through the dark hallway I trip over a vacuum left out by my Wife and like an amateur pole vaulter I lunge forward, smashing my face directly into the door handle.  The rest of my body hits the middle of the door causing a massive “KA-POOM!” that, within the bedroom, must have sounded like a WWII Nazi bunker getting hit with a 500LB bomb.  I hit it so hard with my face that it knocked the door itself out of alignment with the frame.  My wife jumps out of bed; the baby shit’s itself and starts crying; and cats are flying through the air like Hacky Sacks at a Nirvana concert and I am face down in the carpet with a concussion.  Needless to say, my anticipated quiet time became anything but quiet.  Fuck me, right?