Ghosts creep me the fuck out, but it’s not for reasons you’d think. I would say that I am not, particularly, scared of ghosts, although I can’t say for sure. If I woke up to one rattling chains, moaning, and drooling ectoplasm above my bed I’d more than likely run away screaming like a little bitch, leaving my wife and child to be possessed or whatever it is that ghosts do. I’d come back with a priest and some flowers later and fix the situation. My biggest problem with them is their creepiness. I imagine that all my dead relatives are around me at all times as ghosts just meandering around seeing what it is I do all day. It’s like trying to read a book with someone resting their chin on your shoulder and breathing heavy. It’s fuckin’ creepy. I imagine that some little cousin of mine, that died in a car accident, somewhere, is standing there in the bathroom watching me make crinkle faces trying to shit out last night’s Jalapeno meat loaf surprise; or my Aunt Suzie, who was a preschool teacher, discovering that I like to trim my ass hair in the sink mirror (See post: Amazonian Ass Hair on Arbor Day, 27jul2011); or that my dead great- grandmother is watching me when I jack off in the closet while asphyxiating myself with a shoe lace. I sit there masturbating and crying “I’m sorry grandma-ma, I’m sorry!”, and she is just looking at me in shame, shaking her head. It’s really unnerving cause on one hand….I’m gonna jack it, ghost or no ghost, it’s gonna happen….but on the other hand…. If my religious belief structure is right, I’m gonna see all these people who have been watching me my whole life from the other side, after I die. Can you imagine going to the afterlife and your dead uncle Marty saying:
“Boy, what in the hell were you thinking shoving that fluorescent light bulb up your ass, in 2007, while you jacked off? You didn’t think that shit was gonna break!?” “Maybe if you weren’t so stupid you wouldn’t have had anal leakage for the next 37 years after that.”
I’ll have to deal with that shit for eternity! Would that be considered hell, then?
That is kind of an unpleasant thing to think about, although who knows? Maybe your Uncle Marty shoved a few floresenct light bulbs up his ass in his day. Maybe he gets it. R
ReplyDeleteThat's a good point. I guess I am assuming that all my dead relatives were prudes, never really thought they would be able to relate to the things I do on a daily basis. That's a little comforting, of course they are probably staring at me right now in disgust and shame, but at least I can imagine, right?
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