GOLD DIGGER

I’m gonna defend a normal human practice right now that is, not only, misunderstood but even considered shameful in some places.  No one wants to admit that they do it or have done it, but we all know it happens.  People have been doing it since the dawn of time and they are doing it at this very moment.  Picking their noses; that’s what we are talking about.  Look at you, so curious while reading, yet now you cringe and go “Eeeeww.”  Who are you to judge?  As Stone Cold Steve Austin once said, “Let he who is without Sin, cast the first stone.” Whether you are a thumb-index clipper or a 3 digit deep excavator we’ve all done it in some form or another.  My wife always says to me “That’s nasty Rusty! Why don’t you just blow your nose?”  I suppose if I had loose illness boogers then, yes, a napkin and blowing my nose would suffice.  My rebuttal to her, however, is usually “What am I suppose to do about the calcified crusties; the petrified boogers; the stalactites and stalagmites of snot; or the thin sheets of beef jerky mucus that are firmly attached but have a slippery coating so it takes like fifteen swipes to get it out a’ there?”  “Well, what about THEM Miss ma’am?!”  To that expert argument she knows she can never win and just rolls her eyes and throws me a small bottle of hand sanitizer.  Pah! Hand sanitizer?  Is this a joke?  I throw it, immediately, at the nearest cat to me with full intent on inflicting as much minor damage to it as possible. 

Just so you know picking my nose is like a ritual now.  I look forward to it, and go at it with zeal.  I have the “Five finger swipe.”  This is where you start with your index finger and pick and swipe, then continue one after the other with all fingers in a row.  The pinky is the smallest and since the bigger fingers have done the heavy excavation and breaking free then the pinky, as it is more precise, can pick and scoop in detail.  The thumb comes in at the end as a nostril rim wipe.  Now, of course, if the first five finger swipe didn’t succeed, then the process begins again.

Sometimes I’ll do the “Jab, Hold, and Pull.”  It’s a pretty bold method mainly used for those slippery/hard sheets of snot stuck to the walls that won’t come out.  Using any finger you thrust it at the booger sheet and press into it, you hold your finger there (this allows time for the mucus to fill into your finger print grooves giving a solid lock like Velcro), then you gently pull and the entire sheet should come out firmly attached to the finger tip.  Voila! Then do clean up with the Five Finger swipe.

See, you’ve learned that you are not alone AND you’ve learned some new techniques to boot.   Aren’t you glad you read this post?