THE UN-GAY BOYS 2 (MAD MONEY)

So Rawbee and I decided we needed some extra cash so that we could buy some fly clothes and a new car to take bitches out to the clubs.  We were thinking about that shit for awhile an then suddenly an idea hit me!  I would go be a bartender at this gay club downtown called the CHOKING CHICKEN.  Since I know I’m totally not gay it’d be a piece of cake.  All I’d have to do is pour drinks for those flamers and pretend like I was gay, you know, flirting and shakin’ my butt and shit, what ever those gay boys do, and I’d be makin’ so many fucking tips it’d be crazy!  Then Rawbee came up with an idea too.  He’d go be a stripper at a gay strip club.  I was like “Hell, yeah brotha’, those queers will finally see how a REAL man dances, instead of that limp wristed sissy dancing they do!”  Rawbee figured he’d just do the helicopter with his dick a couple times and pick up a champagne glass with his butt cheeks, or whatever they’re into, and he’d make MAD money!  So, by the end of the week we were rolling in dough just like we had predicted!

[ME]  “Yo!  This shit was the perfect plan!  I made so much damn money at that bar. I made it rain dolla’ bills on them fools.”

[RAWBEE]  “Bro, I’ll bet that I’ve got you beat.  Just my tips on Thursday alone at the BLACK STALLION STRIP CLUB probably topped your WHOLE week’s worth.

[ME]  “ I dunno bout that, I was doing this shit called THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN, and those fags loved it!  I’d sit on the bar, you know, with just my thong on as usual, then I’d lean back and pour champagne onto my neck and it’d run down my chest and stomach, hit my belly button, and shoot out into some gay motherfucker’s mouth who was there waiting.”

[RAWBEE]  “Dumb queers probably got turned on by the shit, I’ll bet.”

[ME]  “Damn right they did!  This one dude, after drinking some of the champagne fountain, starting running his tongue from my belly button all the way to my neck where I was pouring it at.”

[RAWBEE]  “AH MAN!  That’s SO GAY!”

[ME]  “I know right?!  But check this out.  When the fruit finally licked his way all the way up to my neck, he looked into my eyes as I was still pouring and I said to him, I’LL BET YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE LICKIN’ UP ON ANOTHER FAG DIDN’T YOU?  WELL GUESS AGAIN!  CAUSE THIS..GUY…AIN’T…QUEER! HA!

[RAWBEE]  “Hahaa!  Oh shit son!  I bet he wasn’t expecting that shit was he!?”

[ME]  “Ha ha, hell no he wasn’t.  He gave me this look like I was just playin’ or somethin’ but he knew he fucked up!”

[RAWBEE]  “Ah man, that shit’s funny as fuck, but I gotchu beat!”

[ME]  “For real?  Cause that shit was pretty fuckin’ gay.”

[RAWBEE]  “It was, but check this out.  So I was doin this trick that these homos love called the LEMON DROP BEE BOP, where I Velcro a wine glass filled with a Lemon Drop Mojito onto the dance floor, I slide down the stripper pole with my legs spread wide onto the glass, I keep sliding down until the wine glass is up my ass to the stem, then I twirl on the pole until I’m upside down, the mojito pours into my ass, I twirl around again, placing the glass back on the dance floor with the drink still inside my ass and then stand up.  I then do a little dance to tease those fags some more, after that I squat back over the wine glass and pee the mojito back out of my ass into it, then drink it.  Those sick fucks go totally gay boy over that shit!  That’s how I make the mad money!

[ME]  “Damn bro, that shit is nuts!  To think you’ve got all those flaming cocksuckers thinking, that WHOLE TIME, that you are some butt pirate JUST LIKE THEM.  I’m actually impressed.

[RAWBEE]  “It’s crazy how dumb they are.  I’ve got them all fooled.  I even had this one queer come up to get my autograph.”

[ME]  “What an idiot!  Please tell me you signed some crazy shit to make him feel stupid.”

[RAWBEE]  “Shit, you know me.  I signed:  YOU JUST GOT PUNKED BY A STRAIGHT DUDE! HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!  WITH LOVE, THE UNGAY BOYS!”

SUKI'S S&M SPECIAL

I was sitting in the chair of my local Barber shop getting my hippy-length hair trimmed down by Suki, my favorite Barber [ess].  You see, Suki (probably not her real name, but I don’t know it, so she gets the generic Asian woman name), has this special way of giving a haircut.  It’s the reason she always has a line of about 10 men waiting for her at any given time.  No, you pervert, there’s no happy ending, besides, that’d be pushing it a little don’t you think, considering it’s in a Barber Shop.  You’ve been drinking that blue water that the combs and scissors go into, haven’t you?  What is that shit anyway?  If I had to guess, I’d say it’s definitely Unicorn piss . . . okay, sorry, I’m getting off on a tangent . . . back to the story.  So, Suki is a slender, good looking for her age, 40-something Malaysian?... woman who, considering her talents in the Barbery Arts, was no way in hell a barber in her younger years prior to immigrating to the U.S.   I call her special haircut the Suki  S&M  Special.  She uses clippers for the most part but she literally grabs a hunk of your hair and tugs and tosses your head around while she’s clipping you.  She has this Velcro strap attached to her hand that holds the device in her palm.  So your scalp gets a palm job.  She is aggressive as shit and it reminds me of an S&M party where old business men get spanked and whipped by hot chicks, minus the dildo up the ass at the end of the night.  In addition, whether you’ve asked for it or not, she shaves all the other fucked up shit on your face that other barbers don’t even consider getting.  Your unibrow gets a space put in it like those gaps in a grassy median on the highway with a sign that says “Authorized vehicles only” that everyone uses to turn around in anyway.   Your hairy Sasquatch nose hair gets trimmed using some dangerous buzzing pencil-like device that has to be illegal in the United States and is probably meant for back alley abortions in Singapore.  The only thing that gets aborted by Suki, however, is that rats nest of rock hard snot berries in your nasal cavities.  She gets the briar patch in your ears; those side burns that haven’t been cool since Beverly Hills 90210; the pubic patch just under your lip, cause you’ll never be an artist like you imagined you would be; and your nasty neck hair that has been creeping down, over the years, to merge with your back hair at the collar level.  She finally finishes the hair job off using a vacuum suction tube attached to her palm with a Velcro strap just like the clippers were.  She does the same tugging, yanking, and tossing to suck up all those loose hairs leaving you, at the end, euphoric and disorientated thinking to yourself, “Fuckin’ A, did I just have sex with a tornado?!”   For all of you lucky enough to get a hair job from Suki you’ll appreciate all the years of sexually deviant worker girl experience she must have had prior to being a barberess in Jerkwater, USA.     

GOLD DIGGER

I’m gonna defend a normal human practice right now that is, not only, misunderstood but even considered shameful in some places.  No one wants to admit that they do it or have done it, but we all know it happens.  People have been doing it since the dawn of time and they are doing it at this very moment.  Picking their noses; that’s what we are talking about.  Look at you, so curious while reading, yet now you cringe and go “Eeeeww.”  Who are you to judge?  As Stone Cold Steve Austin once said, “Let he who is without Sin, cast the first stone.” Whether you are a thumb-index clipper or a 3 digit deep excavator we’ve all done it in some form or another.  My wife always says to me “That’s nasty Rusty! Why don’t you just blow your nose?”  I suppose if I had loose illness boogers then, yes, a napkin and blowing my nose would suffice.  My rebuttal to her, however, is usually “What am I suppose to do about the calcified crusties; the petrified boogers; the stalactites and stalagmites of snot; or the thin sheets of beef jerky mucus that are firmly attached but have a slippery coating so it takes like fifteen swipes to get it out a’ there?”  “Well, what about THEM Miss ma’am?!”  To that expert argument she knows she can never win and just rolls her eyes and throws me a small bottle of hand sanitizer.  Pah! Hand sanitizer?  Is this a joke?  I throw it, immediately, at the nearest cat to me with full intent on inflicting as much minor damage to it as possible. 

Just so you know picking my nose is like a ritual now.  I look forward to it, and go at it with zeal.  I have the “Five finger swipe.”  This is where you start with your index finger and pick and swipe, then continue one after the other with all fingers in a row.  The pinky is the smallest and since the bigger fingers have done the heavy excavation and breaking free then the pinky, as it is more precise, can pick and scoop in detail.  The thumb comes in at the end as a nostril rim wipe.  Now, of course, if the first five finger swipe didn’t succeed, then the process begins again.

Sometimes I’ll do the “Jab, Hold, and Pull.”  It’s a pretty bold method mainly used for those slippery/hard sheets of snot stuck to the walls that won’t come out.  Using any finger you thrust it at the booger sheet and press into it, you hold your finger there (this allows time for the mucus to fill into your finger print grooves giving a solid lock like Velcro), then you gently pull and the entire sheet should come out firmly attached to the finger tip.  Voila! Then do clean up with the Five Finger swipe.

See, you’ve learned that you are not alone AND you’ve learned some new techniques to boot.   Aren’t you glad you read this post?