SUKI'S S&M SPECIAL

I was sitting in the chair of my local Barber shop getting my hippy-length hair trimmed down by Suki, my favorite Barber [ess].  You see, Suki (probably not her real name, but I don’t know it, so she gets the generic Asian woman name), has this special way of giving a haircut.  It’s the reason she always has a line of about 10 men waiting for her at any given time.  No, you pervert, there’s no happy ending, besides, that’d be pushing it a little don’t you think, considering it’s in a Barber Shop.  You’ve been drinking that blue water that the combs and scissors go into, haven’t you?  What is that shit anyway?  If I had to guess, I’d say it’s definitely Unicorn piss . . . okay, sorry, I’m getting off on a tangent . . . back to the story.  So, Suki is a slender, good looking for her age, 40-something Malaysian?... woman who, considering her talents in the Barbery Arts, was no way in hell a barber in her younger years prior to immigrating to the U.S.   I call her special haircut the Suki  S&M  Special.  She uses clippers for the most part but she literally grabs a hunk of your hair and tugs and tosses your head around while she’s clipping you.  She has this Velcro strap attached to her hand that holds the device in her palm.  So your scalp gets a palm job.  She is aggressive as shit and it reminds me of an S&M party where old business men get spanked and whipped by hot chicks, minus the dildo up the ass at the end of the night.  In addition, whether you’ve asked for it or not, she shaves all the other fucked up shit on your face that other barbers don’t even consider getting.  Your unibrow gets a space put in it like those gaps in a grassy median on the highway with a sign that says “Authorized vehicles only” that everyone uses to turn around in anyway.   Your hairy Sasquatch nose hair gets trimmed using some dangerous buzzing pencil-like device that has to be illegal in the United States and is probably meant for back alley abortions in Singapore.  The only thing that gets aborted by Suki, however, is that rats nest of rock hard snot berries in your nasal cavities.  She gets the briar patch in your ears; those side burns that haven’t been cool since Beverly Hills 90210; the pubic patch just under your lip, cause you’ll never be an artist like you imagined you would be; and your nasty neck hair that has been creeping down, over the years, to merge with your back hair at the collar level.  She finally finishes the hair job off using a vacuum suction tube attached to her palm with a Velcro strap just like the clippers were.  She does the same tugging, yanking, and tossing to suck up all those loose hairs leaving you, at the end, euphoric and disorientated thinking to yourself, “Fuckin’ A, did I just have sex with a tornado?!”   For all of you lucky enough to get a hair job from Suki you’ll appreciate all the years of sexually deviant worker girl experience she must have had prior to being a barberess in Jerkwater, USA.