So my buddy, from work, and I were talking about how utterly and completely heterosexual we are. How we epitomize manliness at every level all the way to our core. We set the standard for straight-as-an-arrow masculinity. In fact, we are so purely hetero male and completely comfortable in our own sexuality that we do things just to PROVE that we are über straight. I, myself, at least once a week, go to the Rainbow Cactus Club and pick up the first guy I see, get him to buy me a drink, and then take him home and either bang him in the ass or let him bang me, you know, whatever! I do this because I am SO absolutely sure of my heterosexuality that I test my metal with a gay man every week just so I can say, after getting that nut busted in my face by Hansel, the Norwegian exchange student, “Yep, I totally knew it, definitely still Hetero, just like I thought.” The next day I come to work and bullshit with my buddy about it. We’ll say shit like:
[ME] “Bro, I was jackin’ this dude off last night, at my place, and he busted such a huge nut in my mouth that I could barely say the words: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FAG, CAUSE I AIN’T GAY LIKE YOU!”
[RAWBEE] “No shit? Aw man, yeah I got fucked in the ass last night by this gay ass Brazilian dancer, I was like, YOU HOMOS CAN’T FUCK AT ALL CAN YOU? YOU GONNA BUST A NUT OR WHAT?”
[ME] “Oh shit, that’s hilarious!”
[RAWBEE] “I know right. So this dude FINALLY shoots his wad in my ass and I was like, ABOUT TIME GAY BOY! NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, CAUSE GUESS WHAT, I AIN’T GAY! SURPRISE!!”
[ME] “Ha Ha, you told that motherfucker!”
[RAWBEE] “Shit, I wish you were with me on Saturday night. I had this one dude’s dick down my throat all the way to my tonsils. I mean, I was starting to lose consciousness due to lack of oxygen. Then I gagged, pulled his cock out, and threw up all over his sneakers. Right after that I looked up at him, laughed, and said, I BET YOU THINK I’M LOOKING UP AT YOU CAUSE I’M GONNA SAY SOMETHING SEXY RIGHT? WELL, GUESS AGAIN! CAUSE THIS GUY AIN’T QUEER!”
[ME] “Oh Shit bro, you actually said that shit?! That’s awesome! Ha Ha! You’re SO not gay and that dumbass probably didn’t even realize it!”
[RAWBEE] “I know right? What a dumbass! Dude, it’s ridiculous how UN-GAY we are.”
[ME] “You’re right about that brotha, let’s go to the REAL club tonight and bang some hot chicks!”
[RAWBEE] “Hell yeah bro!”
That was pretty graphic! It has become really fashionable today to be tolerant, but sometimes people really go to extremes.
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I remember when supporting "civil unions" (not necessarily "gay marriage") was viewed as a really progressive position not too long ago. Today, if you only support "civil unions" and not "gay marriage," you might as well be Adolf Hitler to these people. It's all a slippery slope. Give an inch and people will take a mile.
I am not very religious, and I consider myself a social moderate, but I really think these people need to be reasonable. You can't force society to accept human dick pumps as married couples.
As far as I'm concerned they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, they could fuck a chicken for all I care. It don't matter to me or my bro Rawbee. I just know that the both of us, definitely ain't gay. If you don't believe me, I can prove it! **Also, this is just the first installment of "THE UN-GAY BOYS." The follow on stories of Rawbee and me will make gay men blush. Stay tuned for those. ;D
ReplyDeleteI don't care what anyone does in their personal lives either, but I don't see a purpose to legal gay marriages (other than to force society as a whole to legitimize it).
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ron Paul when he said that we should eliminate legal marriages altogether. Let individuals decide what they want to call marriage instead of having society as a whole impose a standard. Give tax breaks just to those who have and support children.
So, then you'll have harems of children that aren't cared for, who's only purpose in life is to continue existing for the continued tax break? I'm sure the idea is all in good faith but you know it'll be abused like a muhfucka. I have a better solution. Since women think single dads with kids are sexy, at least in movies, when Ron Paul institutes tax breaks just for those supporting children, I'll gather up some random kids, and bitches will love me. I'd get so much pussy it'd be ridiculous. I'd make up some hard luck case where my wife got ovarian cancer or got hit by a bus and now I'm depressed, just looking for a partner, in life, that could possibly equal her, and my darling daughter is devastated and just wants her daddy to be happy. Of course, once I've reeled in the girls with my story, I'd lock my kids back up in their cages in the basement until I needed them again and go out to eat with those hot chicks with big boobs using the money I saved on my tax break. Thanks Ron Paul! :D I don't think Ron Paul is a bad guy he has some good ideas and good intentions, I just couldn't resist.
ReplyDeleteNaah. I don't buy that. Unmarried people can get tax breaks for claiming dependents right now. I don't believe much would change.
ReplyDeleteRon Paul has many outlandish opinions because he is really a Libertarian, but makes sense every once in a while.
I think just calling it ALL marriage would solve this dilemma. Cause right now you've got that dividing line "Straight marriage" and "gay marriage." Sooooo what If I want to go and marry one of my cats THEN all fucking hell's gonna break loose! "Interspecies marriage." I'm gonna do that outta spite just to show how ridiculous this all is. That's it, fuck it. I'm gonna get my cat drunk tonight, we're gonna have sloppy drunk unprotected sex, she's gonna find out she's pregnant a week later, and we will hastily go to the court house to get married so it appears to our family that we didn't conceive out of wedlock as both our respective religions dictate that's a sin, we'll be denied by the judge to get married because my fiancee' is a cat, I'll say "that's SPECIEST! FUCK YOU BITCH, I'M GOING TO THE ACLU!", she'll throw me out, our case will eventually get taken to the State supreme court, then the United States Supreme court, and everyone both straight AND gay will look at us like "really? The guy wants to marry a cat? That's fucking weird, that's not right." My story of pain and determination would be so tragic cause my fiancee Ms. Whiskers dies of leukemia before we ever get married but that tragedy leads to the country understanding our pain and the law gets passed and we then have "Straight, gay, and Interspecies marriage." God Bless America!
ReplyDeleteHa Ha. It sounds like your cats must live a very hard life.
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