UN GAY BOYS 4 (DOUBLE TAKE)

So Rawbee and I were talkin’ to some bitches last weekend.  I was trying to get a Blow job and Rawbee was trying to get some anal action from this slut he was talkin’ to.  They weren’t havin’ it and I was like:

[ME]:  Yo, Rawbee let’s beat it these bitches ain’t puttin’ out and I’m trying to break my all time pussy slayin’ record tonight.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right Rusty, this shit’s takin’ too long, let’s bounce.

[ME]:  Where we gonna go to get some ass then?

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, I just remembered something… there’s this new club that just opened up in the gay district called THE DOUBLE TAKE.  We need to go to that shit tonight!

[ME]:  Oh hell yeah, I almost forgot that bitches love hanging out with gay guys cause they feel more comfortable and let loose more and shit!  That place will be crawlin’ with hoes.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right brotha’.  We’ll be like stealth fighters.  We pretend that we’re a couple of homos, get up on um’, they get comfortable cause they think we’re gay and then they’ll be getting’ comfortable on this big hetero dick!  “ SURPRISE BITCH YOU JUST BEEN UN-GAYED!”

[ME]:  Best idea you’ve ever had bro!

THE NEXT MORNING:_________________________________________________

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, that club was off the chain last night, son.

[ME]:  I know right!

[RAWBEE]:  Bro, I can’t believe that whole place was filled with Transvestites!  I should have figured it out from the name of the club: THE DOUBLE TAKE.  It was like a club full of….full of…..what are those queer ass things in that movie with those queers?

[ME]:  Oh snap, you mean those queer ass half horse half man things?

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah.

[ME]:  Muhfucking Centaurs, bro!

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah, yeah but instead of half horse/half man it was like half cock gobbler/half big tittied slut.

[ME]:  Yo, I got free drinks all night and I fucked like 6 of em’ in the ass in the bathroom!  Man, you gotta get a chick really drunk in a regular bar to go balls deep in her ass, but those homohoes were just takin’ it all night long.  That shit was crazy!  I was like  “YOU CHOPSHOP FAGS AIN’T NEVER BEEN FUCKED LIKE THIS HAVE YOU?  THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE GETTING BONED BY A HETERO!  SURPRISE!”

[RAWBEE]:  Aw shit that’s crazy HA AH AH!

[RAWBEE]:  This gayboy/girl was like, “You can suck on my titties if you suck my dick first.”

[ME]:  That bitch/boy must’ve been out her mind! Yo, what’d you say?

[RAWBEE]:  I was like “What?  I ain’t suckin’ your dick but YOU are still gonna let me suck on them tig ol’ bitties AND  your gonna suck on MY dick instead…”

[ME]:  Oh shit, what’d that RuPaul say?

[RAWBEE]:  That dumb ass tranny said yes!  HA! Can you believe that shit… BOOOM!  I still got it baby!  I should be a muhfucking lawyer or some shit.”

[ME]:  Yo, you still got it! “Bro, I know you were drinking hard last night but do you remember what we did at the end of the night?”

[RAWBEE]:  Shit, I’m not a light weight.  Of course I remember.  Those gay ass centaur bitches wanted to play that game they called SHOT IN THE MIDDLE.

[ME]:  Yeah, they put a two shot glasses with the most expensive liquor in the place on the floor in the middle of 10 of those trannies while they jacked off like a bunch of homos.

[RAWBEE]:  Then they each busted a nut in those two glasses and said we had to drink it.

[ME]:  Yeah but they under estimated the UNGAY BOYS didn’t they?

[RAWBEE]:  Hell yeah they did!  We picked those two glasses up, finger scooped that gay ass jizz out of um,  drank um down and said “NICE TRY YOU GAYBOYGIRLS  BUT GUESS WHAT?  YOU MIGHT WANNA FINE TUNE YOUR GAYDARS CAUSE THESE GUYS AIN’T GAY!  THANKS FOR THE ALL NIGHT DRINK FEST FAGS!”

DISCRIMINATING DEVIANT

So I was skimming through the videos on a Transsexual porn site the other day and I discovered something about myself.  I found that I am a very discriminating tranny porn watcher.  I always thought that anything goes with me but it turns out I have a very narrow bandwidth when it comes to chicks with dicks.  I don’t really care for seeing a tranny pounding out a regular guy cause that’s just gay, unless I’m in a sadistic mood.  I am also not big on solo tranny masturbation scenes, but I am a big fan of tranny masturbation during reverse cowboy.  In fact, reverse cowboy is one of the only tranny porn parts that I care to watch other than a tranny railing a regular female.  I dunno, something about the tranny’s dick flopping around in reverse cowboy does it for me.  Now that I think about it, I am also a big fan of “dick surprise” tranny porn.  I know, I know, it’s all just staged but when you have “good” actors in tranny porn that can play off that they are surprised and shocked about being hoodwinked into tranny sex it makes it so much better.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then let me explain.  It’s simple; guy comes into hotel room with “girl”, guy and girl start foreplay, guy pulls down girls pants and her cock is bigger than his;  SURPRISE!!  It’s the best!  Then guy gets his ass carved out by previously mentioned well endowed girl.  At that point I skip through the gay parts to the reverse cowboy scene and might stay around for the finish, if I’m not finished already.  Have a great weekend!

UN GAY BOYS 3 (SEXTING)

Late night text conversation between Me and my buddy Hobart.

Rusty [10:42] Hey can you bring your laptop for Tuesday's seminar.  Also, you need to come out of the closet already...

Hobart: [10:43]  I can do that… And for your information I am out of the closet…

Rusty [10:44] LOL, Bout time!!!

Hobart [10:45] I followed your lead.

Rusty [10:51] I’ve lead you to the promise land.  Now u can blow, suck and fuck all over the place with no attachments.  Plus you’ll get rich cause all gay guys are rich like that guy in the movie “The Jackal” that Bruce Willis meets at the club, seduces, kisses, eats his Chinese food, and shoots in the chest.

Hobart [10:52] Are you saying I’m gonna get shot in the chest?  Or catch shots in the mouth?

Rusty [10:54] I’m gonna coat ur tonsils in man milk and then kick u six feet deep in ur chest to make u swallow it.

Hobart [10:55] Well the joke’s on you because I would have swallowed it any way…

Rusty [11:00] Actually, the joke is on u because I have the rare talent of reverse ejaculation.  I can create a vacuum in my scrotum and my penis goes from shooting to sucking like a shop vac! Uh Oh, somebody just got their jizz back! Nice try, fag!

Hobart [11:02] I’m not the fag.. You’re the one who is fantasizing about me sucking your dick!

Rusty [11:02] It isn’t fantasizing it’s predicting.

Hobart [11:03] This year’s South American Humanitarian Society conference will be fun with both of us there.

Rusty [11:07] Won’t be there gay boy u’ll have to suck Thomas’ fat little Vienna sausage dick instead.

Hobart [11:08] Where will you be?

Rusty [11:09] At your uncle’s house.

Hobart [11:10] I don’t have an Uncle…

Rusty [11:12] Then who the hell’s house am I at right now?  He said he was ur Uncle and he was gonna comp me a free massage because I knew u.  That’s why I’m naked sitting in a kiddie pool full of KY.

Hobart[11:13] Fag.

Hobart [11:14] If it was my Uncle it would be astro glyde… The preferred anal sex lube.

Rusty [11:17] I was on welfare before the job that I’m in now, so food stamps only bought me jars of cold coagulated turkey fat that I had to preheat and inject into my ass.  Life was tough back then I wasn't gonna let the man keep me down, a real G's gotta live life to the fullest u know what I’m sayin’…?

Hobart [11:27] Does that mean you love me?

Rusty [11:29] U complete me.  We’re like the Wonder Twins, we can’t transform into the form of a refrigerator, teacup, or a pterodactyl until we touch penis tips.

Hobart [11:33] When can this happen, I’m game!

Rusty [11:35] I got a half chub right now just need the go ahead.

Hobart [11:36] Go.

Rusty [11:36] I’m already there.

Hobart [11:39] I’m cumming on you.

Rusty [11:40] Doesn’t feel like it, but I’ll take ur word for it… oh wait.. oh, okay, there it is, ah shit right in my eye!

Hobart [11:42] Quit being a bitch and take it.

Rusty [11:44] Now my eye is gonna be red all day, fuck u, I’m outta here.

Hobart [11:45] Love you…

Rusty [11:46] Love you too..

Hobart [11:47] Fag..

THE UN-GAY BOYS 2 (MAD MONEY)

So Rawbee and I decided we needed some extra cash so that we could buy some fly clothes and a new car to take bitches out to the clubs.  We were thinking about that shit for awhile an then suddenly an idea hit me!  I would go be a bartender at this gay club downtown called the CHOKING CHICKEN.  Since I know I’m totally not gay it’d be a piece of cake.  All I’d have to do is pour drinks for those flamers and pretend like I was gay, you know, flirting and shakin’ my butt and shit, what ever those gay boys do, and I’d be makin’ so many fucking tips it’d be crazy!  Then Rawbee came up with an idea too.  He’d go be a stripper at a gay strip club.  I was like “Hell, yeah brotha’, those queers will finally see how a REAL man dances, instead of that limp wristed sissy dancing they do!”  Rawbee figured he’d just do the helicopter with his dick a couple times and pick up a champagne glass with his butt cheeks, or whatever they’re into, and he’d make MAD money!  So, by the end of the week we were rolling in dough just like we had predicted!

[ME]  “Yo!  This shit was the perfect plan!  I made so much damn money at that bar. I made it rain dolla’ bills on them fools.”

[RAWBEE]  “Bro, I’ll bet that I’ve got you beat.  Just my tips on Thursday alone at the BLACK STALLION STRIP CLUB probably topped your WHOLE week’s worth.

[ME]  “ I dunno bout that, I was doing this shit called THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN, and those fags loved it!  I’d sit on the bar, you know, with just my thong on as usual, then I’d lean back and pour champagne onto my neck and it’d run down my chest and stomach, hit my belly button, and shoot out into some gay motherfucker’s mouth who was there waiting.”

[RAWBEE]  “Dumb queers probably got turned on by the shit, I’ll bet.”

[ME]  “Damn right they did!  This one dude, after drinking some of the champagne fountain, starting running his tongue from my belly button all the way to my neck where I was pouring it at.”

[RAWBEE]  “AH MAN!  That’s SO GAY!”

[ME]  “I know right?!  But check this out.  When the fruit finally licked his way all the way up to my neck, he looked into my eyes as I was still pouring and I said to him, I’LL BET YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE LICKIN’ UP ON ANOTHER FAG DIDN’T YOU?  WELL GUESS AGAIN!  CAUSE THIS..GUY…AIN’T…QUEER! HA!

[RAWBEE]  “Hahaa!  Oh shit son!  I bet he wasn’t expecting that shit was he!?”

[ME]  “Ha ha, hell no he wasn’t.  He gave me this look like I was just playin’ or somethin’ but he knew he fucked up!”

[RAWBEE]  “Ah man, that shit’s funny as fuck, but I gotchu beat!”

[ME]  “For real?  Cause that shit was pretty fuckin’ gay.”

[RAWBEE]  “It was, but check this out.  So I was doin this trick that these homos love called the LEMON DROP BEE BOP, where I Velcro a wine glass filled with a Lemon Drop Mojito onto the dance floor, I slide down the stripper pole with my legs spread wide onto the glass, I keep sliding down until the wine glass is up my ass to the stem, then I twirl on the pole until I’m upside down, the mojito pours into my ass, I twirl around again, placing the glass back on the dance floor with the drink still inside my ass and then stand up.  I then do a little dance to tease those fags some more, after that I squat back over the wine glass and pee the mojito back out of my ass into it, then drink it.  Those sick fucks go totally gay boy over that shit!  That’s how I make the mad money!

[ME]  “Damn bro, that shit is nuts!  To think you’ve got all those flaming cocksuckers thinking, that WHOLE TIME, that you are some butt pirate JUST LIKE THEM.  I’m actually impressed.

[RAWBEE]  “It’s crazy how dumb they are.  I’ve got them all fooled.  I even had this one queer come up to get my autograph.”

[ME]  “What an idiot!  Please tell me you signed some crazy shit to make him feel stupid.”

[RAWBEE]  “Shit, you know me.  I signed:  YOU JUST GOT PUNKED BY A STRAIGHT DUDE! HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!  WITH LOVE, THE UNGAY BOYS!”

THE UN-GAY BOYS

So my buddy, from work, and I were talking about how utterly and completely heterosexual we are.  How we epitomize manliness at every level all the way to our core.  We set the standard for straight-as-an-arrow masculinity.  In fact, we are so purely hetero male and completely comfortable in our own sexuality that we do things just to PROVE that we are über straight.  I, myself, at least once a week, go to the Rainbow Cactus Club and pick up the first guy I see, get him to buy me a drink, and then take him home and either bang him in the ass or let him bang me, you know, whatever!  I do this because I am SO absolutely sure of my heterosexuality that I test my metal with a gay man every week just so I can say, after getting that nut busted in my face by Hansel, the Norwegian exchange student, “Yep, I totally knew it, definitely still Hetero, just like I thought.”  The next day I come to work and bullshit with my buddy about it.  We’ll say shit like:

[ME]  “Bro, I was jackin’ this dude off last night, at my place, and he busted such a huge nut in my mouth that I could barely say the words: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FAG, CAUSE I AIN’T GAY LIKE YOU!” 

[RAWBEE] “No shit?  Aw man, yeah I got fucked in the ass last night by this gay ass Brazilian dancer, I was like, YOU HOMOS CAN’T FUCK AT ALL CAN YOU?  YOU GONNA BUST A NUT OR WHAT?”

[ME]  “Oh shit, that’s hilarious!”

[RAWBEE] “I know right.  So this dude FINALLY shoots his wad in my ass and I was like, ABOUT TIME GAY BOY! NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, CAUSE GUESS WHAT, I AIN’T GAY! SURPRISE!!”

[ME]  “Ha Ha, you told that motherfucker!” 

[RAWBEE] “Shit, I wish you were with me on Saturday night.  I had this one dude’s dick down my throat all the way to my tonsils.  I mean, I was starting to lose consciousness due to lack of oxygen.  Then I gagged, pulled his cock out, and threw up all over his sneakers.  Right after that I looked up at him, laughed, and said, I BET YOU THINK I’M LOOKING UP AT YOU CAUSE I’M GONNA SAY SOMETHING SEXY RIGHT? WELL, GUESS AGAIN! CAUSE THIS GUY AIN’T QUEER!”

[ME]  “Oh Shit bro, you actually said that shit?! That’s awesome! Ha Ha! You’re SO not gay and that dumbass probably didn’t even realize it!”

[RAWBEE] “I know right?  What a dumbass! Dude, it’s ridiculous how UN-GAY we are.”

[ME]  “You’re right about that brotha, let’s go to the REAL club tonight and bang some hot chicks!”

[RAWBEE] “Hell yeah bro!” 

FUCK TREES!

Who the hell uses only one sheet of toilet paper?  I was sitting in a public bathroom today trying to avoid having the head of my dick touch porcelain exposed by the gap in the front of the toilet seat.  I failed; now I have AIDS….fucking sucks… anyways, so I am sitting there, getting AIDS, and reading anything that will pass as a language, text, or gibberish to take my mind off the process.  I find the standard “Call Tonya for the best B.J. [random phone number to some elementary school or other unsuspecting innocents]”.  After that it is the casual knife carving of a penis or “I’m awesome”…sure enough followed by someone crossing out “Awesome” and writing “Gay”.   So, I am perusing the various pictographs and witty quips of generations of bathroom goers, finally able to shit now that I have found bathroom Zen, and then prepare for clean up.  The toilet paper was just sitting upright as no one ever cleans the bathroom, and the janitor apparently can’t be bothered to install the tissue correctly in the holder.  “That’s fine by me”, I mouth silently to myself.  I start pulling the tissue paper expecting to spool it out easily into the unnecessarily gigantic gobs that I apparently require to wipe an area the size of quarter.  I get three sheets into the pull and it parts.  I pull again, undeterred.  Two sheets this time [mild frown].  Pulled again; one sheet [“really?” face].  Pulled once again; one sheet, again!  “Okay, really?!” I yelp loud enough for the other stalls to share in my dissatisfaction.  At this point I am irritated that, not only am I getting a miniscule amount of shit paper, but I am, apparently, getting less with each pull.  Then, in a moment of environmental consciousness, I think to myself, “Hey Rusty, do you REALLY NEED two fistfuls of paper per wipe, can’t you save trees in the Amazon and just use that one sheet you were given?” [face goes from calm thinker to enraged shitter again].  “FUCK TREES!” I yell.  Anyone who WAS trying to ignore me and tend to their individual shitting experience can no longer shut me out.  “FUCK THIS TOILET PAPER TOO!”  In a rage I go “bored house cat” on the spool of toilet paper to my endless frustration.  If you were standing outside the stall waiting, you’d see it snowing single sheets in the opening under the door.  I grab a trembling fist full of singles and pack my ass crack full of them nearly getting shit all over my wrist in the attempt.  I then pull up my pants settling for mud butt rather than being in that stall one moment longer.  Out of spite, I smash my hand on every closed stall door on the way out like my palm was Thor’s fucking hammer and yelling “FUCK TREES!”

PRETEND TIME !

We’re gonna play a little game called “Pretend.”  You remember that game don’t you?  The one in Elementary school, you know, where you were the knight in shining armor or the Pretty princess with the pony.  No… ? Well then, how bout more recently, as let’s saaaay a short skirted house maid, or oiled up pool boy….hmmm….that’s more your speed isn’t it.  Alright then, so what are we pretending then?  Well, what we are pretending today is simple enough... let’s just pretend that it's the year 1999, in Los Angeles, California and I was a gay necrophiliac who worked as an embalmer in the city morgue.  I was what you would call a Necrosexual.  I was a bit of a shut in, but really a sweet guy at heart.  I was just like everyone else.  I loved walks on the beach, old John Wayne flicks, a good glass of Pinot Grigio, couldn’t get enough of playing Jenga, and I was and still am a sucker for guys in corduroy pants….. oh, yeah…. and I loved fucking corpses.  Now, since I was a Homosexual Necrosexual, my Wednesday and Saturday nights were usually spent turning all the male stiffs that rolled through my morgue into human Pigs-in-the-blanket.  I prided myself on my efforts towards diversity.  I didn’t care about skin color (everybody was pretty much pale by the time they got to me anyways), tattoos, or body composition, I would say young or old, but what’s the point.  I didn’t care how ripe they were as long as they were male.  I’d fuck Thomas Jefferson’s old ass if I could get past the guards at Monticello long enough to dig em’ up.   Hell, I’d even go so far as fucking a zombie if they were real; now that’d spice up your Friday night!  

Obviously, working at the morgue afforded me opportunities which benefited my particular “interests.”  I wasn’t always like this; I used to just be your regular old run-of-the-mill homosexual.  I’d window shop the various clubs in L.A.  My favorite was this one called “The Tool Box.”  I’d meet young men, such as myself, roofie them immediately, and roll them home in a shopping cart.  That limp sack of Man Meat was as close as I got to bliss before I started working at the city morgue.   Now that I worked there I could take all the pictures that I wanted, make all the videos that I wanted, I could even violate Tom, Dick, AND Harry while pulling their brains out of their nostrils with a crochet needle and douching the left over cavity full of embalming fluid.   I loved my job, it was the best.  If it hadn’t been for the owner showing up at 2AM, and catching me elbows deep in two Asian prior-weight lifters with (10) other stiffs sitting in chairs in a circle around us, and the video camera running,  I’d still be working there.  Life’s a funny thing (no pun intended).