UN GAY BOYS 4 (DOUBLE TAKE)

So Rawbee and I were talkin’ to some bitches last weekend.  I was trying to get a Blow job and Rawbee was trying to get some anal action from this slut he was talkin’ to.  They weren’t havin’ it and I was like:

[ME]:  Yo, Rawbee let’s beat it these bitches ain’t puttin’ out and I’m trying to break my all time pussy slayin’ record tonight.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right Rusty, this shit’s takin’ too long, let’s bounce.

[ME]:  Where we gonna go to get some ass then?

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, I just remembered something… there’s this new club that just opened up in the gay district called THE DOUBLE TAKE.  We need to go to that shit tonight!

[ME]:  Oh hell yeah, I almost forgot that bitches love hanging out with gay guys cause they feel more comfortable and let loose more and shit!  That place will be crawlin’ with hoes.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right brotha’.  We’ll be like stealth fighters.  We pretend that we’re a couple of homos, get up on um’, they get comfortable cause they think we’re gay and then they’ll be getting’ comfortable on this big hetero dick!  “ SURPRISE BITCH YOU JUST BEEN UN-GAYED!”

[ME]:  Best idea you’ve ever had bro!

THE NEXT MORNING:_________________________________________________

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, that club was off the chain last night, son.

[ME]:  I know right!

[RAWBEE]:  Bro, I can’t believe that whole place was filled with Transvestites!  I should have figured it out from the name of the club: THE DOUBLE TAKE.  It was like a club full of….full of…..what are those queer ass things in that movie with those queers?

[ME]:  Oh snap, you mean those queer ass half horse half man things?

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah.

[ME]:  Muhfucking Centaurs, bro!

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah, yeah but instead of half horse/half man it was like half cock gobbler/half big tittied slut.

[ME]:  Yo, I got free drinks all night and I fucked like 6 of em’ in the ass in the bathroom!  Man, you gotta get a chick really drunk in a regular bar to go balls deep in her ass, but those homohoes were just takin’ it all night long.  That shit was crazy!  I was like  “YOU CHOPSHOP FAGS AIN’T NEVER BEEN FUCKED LIKE THIS HAVE YOU?  THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE GETTING BONED BY A HETERO!  SURPRISE!”

[RAWBEE]:  Aw shit that’s crazy HA AH AH!

[RAWBEE]:  This gayboy/girl was like, “You can suck on my titties if you suck my dick first.”

[ME]:  That bitch/boy must’ve been out her mind! Yo, what’d you say?

[RAWBEE]:  I was like “What?  I ain’t suckin’ your dick but YOU are still gonna let me suck on them tig ol’ bitties AND  your gonna suck on MY dick instead…”

[ME]:  Oh shit, what’d that RuPaul say?

[RAWBEE]:  That dumb ass tranny said yes!  HA! Can you believe that shit… BOOOM!  I still got it baby!  I should be a muhfucking lawyer or some shit.”

[ME]:  Yo, you still got it! “Bro, I know you were drinking hard last night but do you remember what we did at the end of the night?”

[RAWBEE]:  Shit, I’m not a light weight.  Of course I remember.  Those gay ass centaur bitches wanted to play that game they called SHOT IN THE MIDDLE.

[ME]:  Yeah, they put a two shot glasses with the most expensive liquor in the place on the floor in the middle of 10 of those trannies while they jacked off like a bunch of homos.

[RAWBEE]:  Then they each busted a nut in those two glasses and said we had to drink it.

[ME]:  Yeah but they under estimated the UNGAY BOYS didn’t they?

[RAWBEE]:  Hell yeah they did!  We picked those two glasses up, finger scooped that gay ass jizz out of um,  drank um down and said “NICE TRY YOU GAYBOYGIRLS  BUT GUESS WHAT?  YOU MIGHT WANNA FINE TUNE YOUR GAYDARS CAUSE THESE GUYS AIN’T GAY!  THANKS FOR THE ALL NIGHT DRINK FEST FAGS!”

THE UN-GAY BOYS

So my buddy, from work, and I were talking about how utterly and completely heterosexual we are.  How we epitomize manliness at every level all the way to our core.  We set the standard for straight-as-an-arrow masculinity.  In fact, we are so purely hetero male and completely comfortable in our own sexuality that we do things just to PROVE that we are über straight.  I, myself, at least once a week, go to the Rainbow Cactus Club and pick up the first guy I see, get him to buy me a drink, and then take him home and either bang him in the ass or let him bang me, you know, whatever!  I do this because I am SO absolutely sure of my heterosexuality that I test my metal with a gay man every week just so I can say, after getting that nut busted in my face by Hansel, the Norwegian exchange student, “Yep, I totally knew it, definitely still Hetero, just like I thought.”  The next day I come to work and bullshit with my buddy about it.  We’ll say shit like:

[ME]  “Bro, I was jackin’ this dude off last night, at my place, and he busted such a huge nut in my mouth that I could barely say the words: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FAG, CAUSE I AIN’T GAY LIKE YOU!” 

[RAWBEE] “No shit?  Aw man, yeah I got fucked in the ass last night by this gay ass Brazilian dancer, I was like, YOU HOMOS CAN’T FUCK AT ALL CAN YOU?  YOU GONNA BUST A NUT OR WHAT?”

[ME]  “Oh shit, that’s hilarious!”

[RAWBEE] “I know right.  So this dude FINALLY shoots his wad in my ass and I was like, ABOUT TIME GAY BOY! NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, CAUSE GUESS WHAT, I AIN’T GAY! SURPRISE!!”

[ME]  “Ha Ha, you told that motherfucker!” 

[RAWBEE] “Shit, I wish you were with me on Saturday night.  I had this one dude’s dick down my throat all the way to my tonsils.  I mean, I was starting to lose consciousness due to lack of oxygen.  Then I gagged, pulled his cock out, and threw up all over his sneakers.  Right after that I looked up at him, laughed, and said, I BET YOU THINK I’M LOOKING UP AT YOU CAUSE I’M GONNA SAY SOMETHING SEXY RIGHT? WELL, GUESS AGAIN! CAUSE THIS GUY AIN’T QUEER!”

[ME]  “Oh Shit bro, you actually said that shit?! That’s awesome! Ha Ha! You’re SO not gay and that dumbass probably didn’t even realize it!”

[RAWBEE] “I know right?  What a dumbass! Dude, it’s ridiculous how UN-GAY we are.”

[ME]  “You’re right about that brotha, let’s go to the REAL club tonight and bang some hot chicks!”

[RAWBEE] “Hell yeah bro!” 

PRETEND TIME !

We’re gonna play a little game called “Pretend.”  You remember that game don’t you?  The one in Elementary school, you know, where you were the knight in shining armor or the Pretty princess with the pony.  No… ? Well then, how bout more recently, as let’s saaaay a short skirted house maid, or oiled up pool boy….hmmm….that’s more your speed isn’t it.  Alright then, so what are we pretending then?  Well, what we are pretending today is simple enough... let’s just pretend that it's the year 1999, in Los Angeles, California and I was a gay necrophiliac who worked as an embalmer in the city morgue.  I was what you would call a Necrosexual.  I was a bit of a shut in, but really a sweet guy at heart.  I was just like everyone else.  I loved walks on the beach, old John Wayne flicks, a good glass of Pinot Grigio, couldn’t get enough of playing Jenga, and I was and still am a sucker for guys in corduroy pants….. oh, yeah…. and I loved fucking corpses.  Now, since I was a Homosexual Necrosexual, my Wednesday and Saturday nights were usually spent turning all the male stiffs that rolled through my morgue into human Pigs-in-the-blanket.  I prided myself on my efforts towards diversity.  I didn’t care about skin color (everybody was pretty much pale by the time they got to me anyways), tattoos, or body composition, I would say young or old, but what’s the point.  I didn’t care how ripe they were as long as they were male.  I’d fuck Thomas Jefferson’s old ass if I could get past the guards at Monticello long enough to dig em’ up.   Hell, I’d even go so far as fucking a zombie if they were real; now that’d spice up your Friday night!  

Obviously, working at the morgue afforded me opportunities which benefited my particular “interests.”  I wasn’t always like this; I used to just be your regular old run-of-the-mill homosexual.  I’d window shop the various clubs in L.A.  My favorite was this one called “The Tool Box.”  I’d meet young men, such as myself, roofie them immediately, and roll them home in a shopping cart.  That limp sack of Man Meat was as close as I got to bliss before I started working at the city morgue.   Now that I worked there I could take all the pictures that I wanted, make all the videos that I wanted, I could even violate Tom, Dick, AND Harry while pulling their brains out of their nostrils with a crochet needle and douching the left over cavity full of embalming fluid.   I loved my job, it was the best.  If it hadn’t been for the owner showing up at 2AM, and catching me elbows deep in two Asian prior-weight lifters with (10) other stiffs sitting in chairs in a circle around us, and the video camera running,  I’d still be working there.  Life’s a funny thing (no pun intended).