UN GAY BOYS 4 (DOUBLE TAKE)

So Rawbee and I were talkin’ to some bitches last weekend.  I was trying to get a Blow job and Rawbee was trying to get some anal action from this slut he was talkin’ to.  They weren’t havin’ it and I was like:

[ME]:  Yo, Rawbee let’s beat it these bitches ain’t puttin’ out and I’m trying to break my all time pussy slayin’ record tonight.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right Rusty, this shit’s takin’ too long, let’s bounce.

[ME]:  Where we gonna go to get some ass then?

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, I just remembered something… there’s this new club that just opened up in the gay district called THE DOUBLE TAKE.  We need to go to that shit tonight!

[ME]:  Oh hell yeah, I almost forgot that bitches love hanging out with gay guys cause they feel more comfortable and let loose more and shit!  That place will be crawlin’ with hoes.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right brotha’.  We’ll be like stealth fighters.  We pretend that we’re a couple of homos, get up on um’, they get comfortable cause they think we’re gay and then they’ll be getting’ comfortable on this big hetero dick!  “ SURPRISE BITCH YOU JUST BEEN UN-GAYED!”

[ME]:  Best idea you’ve ever had bro!

THE NEXT MORNING:_________________________________________________

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, that club was off the chain last night, son.

[ME]:  I know right!

[RAWBEE]:  Bro, I can’t believe that whole place was filled with Transvestites!  I should have figured it out from the name of the club: THE DOUBLE TAKE.  It was like a club full of….full of…..what are those queer ass things in that movie with those queers?

[ME]:  Oh snap, you mean those queer ass half horse half man things?

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah.

[ME]:  Muhfucking Centaurs, bro!

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah, yeah but instead of half horse/half man it was like half cock gobbler/half big tittied slut.

[ME]:  Yo, I got free drinks all night and I fucked like 6 of em’ in the ass in the bathroom!  Man, you gotta get a chick really drunk in a regular bar to go balls deep in her ass, but those homohoes were just takin’ it all night long.  That shit was crazy!  I was like  “YOU CHOPSHOP FAGS AIN’T NEVER BEEN FUCKED LIKE THIS HAVE YOU?  THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE GETTING BONED BY A HETERO!  SURPRISE!”

[RAWBEE]:  Aw shit that’s crazy HA AH AH!

[RAWBEE]:  This gayboy/girl was like, “You can suck on my titties if you suck my dick first.”

[ME]:  That bitch/boy must’ve been out her mind! Yo, what’d you say?

[RAWBEE]:  I was like “What?  I ain’t suckin’ your dick but YOU are still gonna let me suck on them tig ol’ bitties AND  your gonna suck on MY dick instead…”

[ME]:  Oh shit, what’d that RuPaul say?

[RAWBEE]:  That dumb ass tranny said yes!  HA! Can you believe that shit… BOOOM!  I still got it baby!  I should be a muhfucking lawyer or some shit.”

[ME]:  Yo, you still got it! “Bro, I know you were drinking hard last night but do you remember what we did at the end of the night?”

[RAWBEE]:  Shit, I’m not a light weight.  Of course I remember.  Those gay ass centaur bitches wanted to play that game they called SHOT IN THE MIDDLE.

[ME]:  Yeah, they put a two shot glasses with the most expensive liquor in the place on the floor in the middle of 10 of those trannies while they jacked off like a bunch of homos.

[RAWBEE]:  Then they each busted a nut in those two glasses and said we had to drink it.

[ME]:  Yeah but they under estimated the UNGAY BOYS didn’t they?

[RAWBEE]:  Hell yeah they did!  We picked those two glasses up, finger scooped that gay ass jizz out of um,  drank um down and said “NICE TRY YOU GAYBOYGIRLS  BUT GUESS WHAT?  YOU MIGHT WANNA FINE TUNE YOUR GAYDARS CAUSE THESE GUYS AIN’T GAY!  THANKS FOR THE ALL NIGHT DRINK FEST FAGS!”

THE UN-GAY BOYS 2 (MAD MONEY)

So Rawbee and I decided we needed some extra cash so that we could buy some fly clothes and a new car to take bitches out to the clubs.  We were thinking about that shit for awhile an then suddenly an idea hit me!  I would go be a bartender at this gay club downtown called the CHOKING CHICKEN.  Since I know I’m totally not gay it’d be a piece of cake.  All I’d have to do is pour drinks for those flamers and pretend like I was gay, you know, flirting and shakin’ my butt and shit, what ever those gay boys do, and I’d be makin’ so many fucking tips it’d be crazy!  Then Rawbee came up with an idea too.  He’d go be a stripper at a gay strip club.  I was like “Hell, yeah brotha’, those queers will finally see how a REAL man dances, instead of that limp wristed sissy dancing they do!”  Rawbee figured he’d just do the helicopter with his dick a couple times and pick up a champagne glass with his butt cheeks, or whatever they’re into, and he’d make MAD money!  So, by the end of the week we were rolling in dough just like we had predicted!

[ME]  “Yo!  This shit was the perfect plan!  I made so much damn money at that bar. I made it rain dolla’ bills on them fools.”

[RAWBEE]  “Bro, I’ll bet that I’ve got you beat.  Just my tips on Thursday alone at the BLACK STALLION STRIP CLUB probably topped your WHOLE week’s worth.

[ME]  “ I dunno bout that, I was doing this shit called THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN, and those fags loved it!  I’d sit on the bar, you know, with just my thong on as usual, then I’d lean back and pour champagne onto my neck and it’d run down my chest and stomach, hit my belly button, and shoot out into some gay motherfucker’s mouth who was there waiting.”

[RAWBEE]  “Dumb queers probably got turned on by the shit, I’ll bet.”

[ME]  “Damn right they did!  This one dude, after drinking some of the champagne fountain, starting running his tongue from my belly button all the way to my neck where I was pouring it at.”

[RAWBEE]  “AH MAN!  That’s SO GAY!”

[ME]  “I know right?!  But check this out.  When the fruit finally licked his way all the way up to my neck, he looked into my eyes as I was still pouring and I said to him, I’LL BET YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE LICKIN’ UP ON ANOTHER FAG DIDN’T YOU?  WELL GUESS AGAIN!  CAUSE THIS..GUY…AIN’T…QUEER! HA!

[RAWBEE]  “Hahaa!  Oh shit son!  I bet he wasn’t expecting that shit was he!?”

[ME]  “Ha ha, hell no he wasn’t.  He gave me this look like I was just playin’ or somethin’ but he knew he fucked up!”

[RAWBEE]  “Ah man, that shit’s funny as fuck, but I gotchu beat!”

[ME]  “For real?  Cause that shit was pretty fuckin’ gay.”

[RAWBEE]  “It was, but check this out.  So I was doin this trick that these homos love called the LEMON DROP BEE BOP, where I Velcro a wine glass filled with a Lemon Drop Mojito onto the dance floor, I slide down the stripper pole with my legs spread wide onto the glass, I keep sliding down until the wine glass is up my ass to the stem, then I twirl on the pole until I’m upside down, the mojito pours into my ass, I twirl around again, placing the glass back on the dance floor with the drink still inside my ass and then stand up.  I then do a little dance to tease those fags some more, after that I squat back over the wine glass and pee the mojito back out of my ass into it, then drink it.  Those sick fucks go totally gay boy over that shit!  That’s how I make the mad money!

[ME]  “Damn bro, that shit is nuts!  To think you’ve got all those flaming cocksuckers thinking, that WHOLE TIME, that you are some butt pirate JUST LIKE THEM.  I’m actually impressed.

[RAWBEE]  “It’s crazy how dumb they are.  I’ve got them all fooled.  I even had this one queer come up to get my autograph.”

[ME]  “What an idiot!  Please tell me you signed some crazy shit to make him feel stupid.”

[RAWBEE]  “Shit, you know me.  I signed:  YOU JUST GOT PUNKED BY A STRAIGHT DUDE! HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!  WITH LOVE, THE UNGAY BOYS!”

THE UN-GAY BOYS

So my buddy, from work, and I were talking about how utterly and completely heterosexual we are.  How we epitomize manliness at every level all the way to our core.  We set the standard for straight-as-an-arrow masculinity.  In fact, we are so purely hetero male and completely comfortable in our own sexuality that we do things just to PROVE that we are über straight.  I, myself, at least once a week, go to the Rainbow Cactus Club and pick up the first guy I see, get him to buy me a drink, and then take him home and either bang him in the ass or let him bang me, you know, whatever!  I do this because I am SO absolutely sure of my heterosexuality that I test my metal with a gay man every week just so I can say, after getting that nut busted in my face by Hansel, the Norwegian exchange student, “Yep, I totally knew it, definitely still Hetero, just like I thought.”  The next day I come to work and bullshit with my buddy about it.  We’ll say shit like:

[ME]  “Bro, I was jackin’ this dude off last night, at my place, and he busted such a huge nut in my mouth that I could barely say the words: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FAG, CAUSE I AIN’T GAY LIKE YOU!” 

[RAWBEE] “No shit?  Aw man, yeah I got fucked in the ass last night by this gay ass Brazilian dancer, I was like, YOU HOMOS CAN’T FUCK AT ALL CAN YOU?  YOU GONNA BUST A NUT OR WHAT?”

[ME]  “Oh shit, that’s hilarious!”

[RAWBEE] “I know right.  So this dude FINALLY shoots his wad in my ass and I was like, ABOUT TIME GAY BOY! NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, CAUSE GUESS WHAT, I AIN’T GAY! SURPRISE!!”

[ME]  “Ha Ha, you told that motherfucker!” 

[RAWBEE] “Shit, I wish you were with me on Saturday night.  I had this one dude’s dick down my throat all the way to my tonsils.  I mean, I was starting to lose consciousness due to lack of oxygen.  Then I gagged, pulled his cock out, and threw up all over his sneakers.  Right after that I looked up at him, laughed, and said, I BET YOU THINK I’M LOOKING UP AT YOU CAUSE I’M GONNA SAY SOMETHING SEXY RIGHT? WELL, GUESS AGAIN! CAUSE THIS GUY AIN’T QUEER!”

[ME]  “Oh Shit bro, you actually said that shit?! That’s awesome! Ha Ha! You’re SO not gay and that dumbass probably didn’t even realize it!”

[RAWBEE] “I know right?  What a dumbass! Dude, it’s ridiculous how UN-GAY we are.”

[ME]  “You’re right about that brotha, let’s go to the REAL club tonight and bang some hot chicks!”

[RAWBEE] “Hell yeah bro!” 

HOMO-WORDS

Fun with Homophones.  I have no idea if this is rythmically correct, but fuck it, it's my blog and I'll write about shitting in a poetic verse if I want to.

The shit, out my ass, it did pour;

As a zit being popped squirting out the pore.

Shooting out of my sphincter in the shape of a ball;

It felt so bad, all night crying; I did bawl.

Hours and hours it brewed;

But seconds to get to the pool; my brood.

It was painful but special so I kept it, like a science experiment, in a vial;

Does hoarding my feces make me vile?

Does it make me weak,

the fact that I’ve been doing it for a week?

I don’t care because each time I poo, I watch the inches come off my waist.

The perfect diet, all by dumping my waste.

You think that’s gross?

At least I didn’t tell you of the taste.