SLUTTY CAT

Alright, lemme try and explain this so it makes some kind of sense.  As you all know I have five cats; 3 males and 2 females.  The oldest one is female and she is either REALLY horny or just REALLY friendly.  I get the impression that she isn’t interested, sexually that is, in the opposite sex of her own feline species but rather is ACTUALLY sexually attracted to humans; particularly me.  Now I could just be imagining this but I don’t think I am.  I have concluded that my cat wants my dick….

            This reason I say this is because when I pet her along her back her ass end will start to rise.  Now having been around cats for some time now I know this is pretty normal behavior.  The problem is that the more I pet her down her back the higher her butt goes and her tail shoots straight up exposing her “goods.”  She will also start drooling and purring really loud.  This may all seem normal to you but to me it’s not.  It’s a sign that she wants it and wants it BAD. 

            I think the reason I haven’t made a move on my cat yet is because I can’t quite get the logistics of it down of how to bang my slutty cat.  My human penis would simply destroy my cat’s vagina and likely kill her; however, my pinky finger might not.  I have measured my finger and guesstimated the vaginal canal width and depth of my slutty cat using visual observation.  I’m assuming that my pinky, while still very large in cat penis terms, might fit.  In addition, my slutty cat has the benefit of having given birth to a litter of kittens at one point in her life.  This means her vagina has been stretched and made more elastic than a virgin cat’s. 

            I have caught myself staring at my slutty cats little grey cotton ball vagina on several occasions and am very tempted to just pinky that little horny bitch.  The question keeps arising in my mind, however, as to what her response would be.  Elation at the fact that her much anticipated dream of banging a human has finally come true?  Shear terror and much claw slashing and biting at having been fingered by a human, not to mention the inevitable awkwardness from then on between us?  I think the unknown outcome is the biggest deterrent to me making a move.  Unfortunately, I guess I’ll never get up the nerve to give my pussy’s pussy a try.  Fucking tease!

           

UN GAY BOYS 3 (SEXTING)

Late night text conversation between Me and my buddy Hobart.

Rusty [10:42] Hey can you bring your laptop for Tuesday's seminar.  Also, you need to come out of the closet already...

Hobart: [10:43]  I can do that… And for your information I am out of the closet…

Rusty [10:44] LOL, Bout time!!!

Hobart [10:45] I followed your lead.

Rusty [10:51] I’ve lead you to the promise land.  Now u can blow, suck and fuck all over the place with no attachments.  Plus you’ll get rich cause all gay guys are rich like that guy in the movie “The Jackal” that Bruce Willis meets at the club, seduces, kisses, eats his Chinese food, and shoots in the chest.

Hobart [10:52] Are you saying I’m gonna get shot in the chest?  Or catch shots in the mouth?

Rusty [10:54] I’m gonna coat ur tonsils in man milk and then kick u six feet deep in ur chest to make u swallow it.

Hobart [10:55] Well the joke’s on you because I would have swallowed it any way…

Rusty [11:00] Actually, the joke is on u because I have the rare talent of reverse ejaculation.  I can create a vacuum in my scrotum and my penis goes from shooting to sucking like a shop vac! Uh Oh, somebody just got their jizz back! Nice try, fag!

Hobart [11:02] I’m not the fag.. You’re the one who is fantasizing about me sucking your dick!

Rusty [11:02] It isn’t fantasizing it’s predicting.

Hobart [11:03] This year’s South American Humanitarian Society conference will be fun with both of us there.

Rusty [11:07] Won’t be there gay boy u’ll have to suck Thomas’ fat little Vienna sausage dick instead.

Hobart [11:08] Where will you be?

Rusty [11:09] At your uncle’s house.

Hobart [11:10] I don’t have an Uncle…

Rusty [11:12] Then who the hell’s house am I at right now?  He said he was ur Uncle and he was gonna comp me a free massage because I knew u.  That’s why I’m naked sitting in a kiddie pool full of KY.

Hobart[11:13] Fag.

Hobart [11:14] If it was my Uncle it would be astro glyde… The preferred anal sex lube.

Rusty [11:17] I was on welfare before the job that I’m in now, so food stamps only bought me jars of cold coagulated turkey fat that I had to preheat and inject into my ass.  Life was tough back then I wasn't gonna let the man keep me down, a real G's gotta live life to the fullest u know what I’m sayin’…?

Hobart [11:27] Does that mean you love me?

Rusty [11:29] U complete me.  We’re like the Wonder Twins, we can’t transform into the form of a refrigerator, teacup, or a pterodactyl until we touch penis tips.

Hobart [11:33] When can this happen, I’m game!

Rusty [11:35] I got a half chub right now just need the go ahead.

Hobart [11:36] Go.

Rusty [11:36] I’m already there.

Hobart [11:39] I’m cumming on you.

Rusty [11:40] Doesn’t feel like it, but I’ll take ur word for it… oh wait.. oh, okay, there it is, ah shit right in my eye!

Hobart [11:42] Quit being a bitch and take it.

Rusty [11:44] Now my eye is gonna be red all day, fuck u, I’m outta here.

Hobart [11:45] Love you…

Rusty [11:46] Love you too..

Hobart [11:47] Fag..

RANDOMIZER GENIE

I like to frequent retirement homes on occasion for something different to do.  I’m not talking retirement communities where everyone is still pretty lively and beeboppin’ around.  I like the ones where everyone, for the most part, is still pretty coherent but they are wheelchair bound or don’t move around much.  The retirement communities where everyone is still playing golf, bingo and livin’ up their golden years doesn’t appeal to me cause they just don’t have the time for you.  They are still self absorbed in their lives.  The “rest homes” are the types that I like cause those retirees ain’t goin’ anywhere and they’ve got nothing better to do then talk to you. 

                

So I was cruisin’ around inside the retirement home passing by two women playing chess.  On my other side was an old navy war vet relaxing watching television.  Then I came around the corner and I saw him.  He was incredible.  He was sprawled out on a large bean bag chair with his legs apart and kicked out; each one on a bean bag of its own.  In between his legs there was what appeared to be third leg coming out and flopped onto a bean bag of ITS own.  Curious at this odd sight, I went up to investigate.  I said “Hello sir, my name’s Rusty Shrew, I noticed that you have three legs.  Have you always been deformed like this?”  His name was Mr. Jeremiah Walden, and he responded by saying, “Hell, son, that ain’t a leg; that’s mah dick!”  Astonished, I started probing him for details as to how he’d lived such a long life with what looked like a terribly cumbersome appendage coming out from his groin.  It was about 4 ½ feet long and about a Pringles’ can in girth.  He was wearing sweat pants and had apparently needed another sweat pant leg sewn into the crotch section to accommodate his tape worm of a penis.  He told me it wasn’t always that big.  You see, Jeremiah was one of the British soldiers who fought towards the reoccupation of Iraq by the British in the Anglo-Iraq war in 1941.  He remembers a lot of strange things going on out in that desert.  One day himself and three other scouts were patrolling a remote canyon area when they were ambushed by nomads.  The marauders were firing from a top the ravine and killed all three of the other soldiers he was with.  He, himself, was hit in shoulder.  Jeremiah managed to duck into a cave and out of sight.  The bandits eventually lost interest and moved on as it was getting dark and it probably wasn’t worth going down into the canyon just for him.  He gunpowder-cauterized the wound like Rambo.  He then wandered further into the cave to take refuge for the night.  Eventually he came to an enormous cavern opening.  Blades of the day’s remaining light stabbing down through holes in the towering ceiling, the utter silence of the cave, and its soft sandy floor indicated a good place to stop and rest for awhile.  When he sat down however, it was right onto something really hard and sharp that made him jump and then wince in pain from the shoulder pain caused by that movement on his gun shot wound.  Jeremiah grasped the object, which was a brass genie lamp with blue trim and intricate designs.  He mockingly rubbed it a few times, and to his complete surprise, SHAZAM! out came a towering blue apparition of a genie.  The genie was cordial and grateful to be released after millennia of solitude.  The standard three wishes were proposed.  Jeremiah, of course, being young-dumb-and-full-of-cum didn’t think twice about his first wish as he had no doubt he’d be able to get himself back to base camp on his own.  He had remembered a Persian temptress in the town near their camp that he had sex with.  She enjoyed it but said she would be his forever only if he had a much larger penis, as she was not an easily satisfied woman; if you know what I mean.  Jeremiah had fallen completely in love with her yet miserably disappointed in his own shortcomings at the same time; UNTIL NOW!  “Genie, my first wish is to have an enormous penis that will satisfy the woman I love” exclaimed Jeremiah.  “Your wish is my command.  Salabim! Salabam!” The genie chanted with a thundering voice that echoed throughout the cavern.  “It is done, you now have two wishes left” The genie concluded.  Jeremiah grabbed at his crotch but was shocked to find nothing! Nothing at all!  “What have you done you bastard!?  I have no penis at all now! The Genie explained what was happening, “I am not like other genies my friend.  I am Massuliah the randomizer genie.  I have the ability to grant whatever wish you desire but it can either be the exact wish you asked for or the exact opposite.  I have no control over the outcome, it is completely randomized.”  “So you can’t control it at all!?”  Screamed Jeremiah.  “So, if I said something like…. I wish I could be teleported to the inside of a sheep’s asshole then….wait! Oh shit, no! I wasn’t really wishing that…FUUUUCKK!”

Meanwhile, in a small sheep herding community in Cappadocia, Turkey, Ahnwal and his son are petting their favorite sheep Juji.  Suddenly Juji’s lower torso expands rapidly, the sheep screams in excruciating pain. Ahnwal’s son is screaming as blood, shit, and entrails burst out of Juji’s asshole like a geyser.  Then, like a balloon filled with red food dye and macaroni and cheese that’s just been popped, Juji’s entire rear end explodes as the whole of Jeremiah’s body manifests itself in the same space as Juji’s rectum.  Ahnwal and his son run screaming back to the village as a very irritated Jeremiah curses at the sky while lifting himself out of what’s left of Juji’s twitching body. 

“God damnit Massuliah!  I was just using that as an example for clarification! Now I’ve got sheep asshole all over me!”  Screamed Jeremiah.  Massuliah appeared before him again and stated “As I said, it may be EXACTLY what you asked for or the complete opposite; I have no control over it, just the ability to grant it.”  “Alright then, Massuliah, since I only have one wish left I really want that big cock so I’m gonna roll the dice and hope that I’m not doomed to jack off with tweezers for the rest of my life.”  “I wish I had a ridiculously enormous penis!!” Jeremiah chanted a final time.

So, the story ends just about as you might think, almost. Jeremiah gained a ridiculously enormous vagina instead of a penis for his third wish.  He ended up having to drag his new 70 lb pussy out of the cave like you would 5 trash bags full of meat wrapped around your waste.  He had almost lost all hope but luckily he ran across another genie lamp with a regular genie in it who gave him his enormous cock, teleported him back to the base camp, and one wish left over for later.  He also ended up paying Ahnwal for blowing his sheep in half.  He went and married his Persian temptress and banged her so hard her ovaries hurt.  The British ended up occupying Iraq for the second time, and all was well with the world.  Massuliah….well no one really knows what happened to the genie lamp that held him, maybe one day someone else will utilize the abilities of the Randomizer Genie.