Who the hell uses only one sheet of toilet paper? I was sitting in a public bathroom today trying to avoid having the head of my dick touch porcelain exposed by the gap in the front of the toilet seat. I failed; now I have AIDS….fucking sucks… anyways, so I am sitting there, getting AIDS, and reading anything that will pass as a language, text, or gibberish to take my mind off the process. I find the standard “Call Tonya for the best B.J. [random phone number to some elementary school or other unsuspecting innocents]”. After that it is the casual knife carving of a penis or “I’m awesome”…sure enough followed by someone crossing out “Awesome” and writing “Gay”. So, I am perusing the various pictographs and witty quips of generations of bathroom goers, finally able to shit now that I have found bathroom Zen, and then prepare for clean up. The toilet paper was just sitting upright as no one ever cleans the bathroom, and the janitor apparently can’t be bothered to install the tissue correctly in the holder. “That’s fine by me”, I mouth silently to myself. I start pulling the tissue paper expecting to spool it out easily into the unnecessarily gigantic gobs that I apparently require to wipe an area the size of quarter. I get three sheets into the pull and it parts. I pull again, undeterred. Two sheets this time [mild frown]. Pulled again; one sheet [“really?” face]. Pulled once again; one sheet, again! “Okay, really?!” I yelp loud enough for the other stalls to share in my dissatisfaction. At this point I am irritated that, not only am I getting a miniscule amount of shit paper, but I am, apparently, getting less with each pull. Then, in a moment of environmental consciousness, I think to myself, “Hey Rusty, do you REALLY NEED two fistfuls of paper per wipe, can’t you save trees in the Amazon and just use that one sheet you were given?” [face goes from calm thinker to enraged shitter again]. “FUCK TREES!” I yell. Anyone who WAS trying to ignore me and tend to their individual shitting experience can no longer shut me out. “FUCK THIS TOILET PAPER TOO!” In a rage I go “bored house cat” on the spool of toilet paper to my endless frustration. If you were standing outside the stall waiting, you’d see it snowing single sheets in the opening under the door. I grab a trembling fist full of singles and pack my ass crack full of them nearly getting shit all over my wrist in the attempt. I then pull up my pants settling for mud butt rather than being in that stall one moment longer. Out of spite, I smash my hand on every closed stall door on the way out like my palm was Thor’s fucking hammer and yelling “FUCK TREES!”
