I’m a member of the legendary Polar Bear Club of Nova Scotia and each year, in January, we jump into the frigid waters of St. George’s Bay. I am quite the Plunger now, but that wasn’t always the case. On my first attempt, I, actually, involuntary converted to the opposite sex. It was a bitingly cold morning in early January of 1989. The spot on the rocky shoreline of St.George’s Bay that we had chosen was covered with a light dusting of snow from the night before. The ebony and emerald ocean frothed up in anticipation of this year’s victims. That year’s Polar Bear Club consisted of me and 17 young buxom 20-something females in their sexually uninhibited primes. All of whom were wearing bikinis that allowed me a visual of just how cold it really was that morning. Two by two by two; the human thermometers displayed the current of the two available temperature indications, HOT or COLD. It was time to get wet. We all held hands in a line for moral support, said our 1, 2, 3, GO’s, and vaulted forth into the briny chill of the Bay! Loud screams and hilarious gasping ensued. I, however, was in shock. The water was so frigid that upon my scrotal region making contact with liquid it immediately took the “flight” route of the “fight or flight” instinctual response. My entire penis inverted; possibly the single most painful event of my life, actually, I take that back, that night in Tijuana was…. Well, never mind….okay, the SECOND most painful night of my life. By inverted I don’t mean the “I jumped into a pool and that’s why my dick looks like a scared turtle” inverted; that’s just shrinkage. I am telling you, inverted, as in, I had a vagina now. Rather than an outward shaft, I had an inward tunnel. My balls had burrowed so deep into my pelvic girdle that I now, essentially, had ovaries rather than scrotes. I was terrified! Not only had I had a catastrophic restructuring of my manhood, but all these beautiful women around me; skin taught and glistening; prickled with goose bumps; horny, as women always are after being doused in freezing water; were now snuggling next to each other under blankets to keep warm, in obvious need of sexual satisfaction. My concern at this point was how was I going to satisfy all 17 of these women, as I had originally planned, with my penis inside out and shoved up into me?! Then, at that very moment, I had an epiphany. If I now had a vagina, yet was still attracted to all these women, then I suppose that makes me a lesbian, right? Right! “Oh, ladies! Guess who doesn’t need a condom anymore! As an added bonus, after a full night of lesbian scissor sex with those 17 young women, my penis DID end up reverting itself and popped out like a hotdog switchblade, followed right after by my testicles which popped into my scrotum sacks like dodgeballs into a netted gym bag. I was all that is man again, or, at least more than I was last night.
Just to preempt the haters that look at the picture and rather than saying, "damn, those are some bangin' chicks" instead say "Ummm..hmm..I don't recall there being glaciers and icebergs in St.George's Bay, Nova Scotia", I say fuck you! I got that shit covered too, you smart fuck! From the Newfoundland Dept. of Mines and Energy Geological Survey report in 2000,
ReplyDelete"The [Stephenville and St.George's Bay, Nova Scotia area]was glaciated during the late Wisconsinan [period]" approximately 13,500 years ago. So, every January, we jump into my time machine and travel back to the time when the first humans were migrating across the Bering Strait land bridge to what would one day be called the Americas, so that we could jump into the glacial waters of the soon-to-be St.George's Bay for our Polar Bear Club and to have lesbian scissor sex orgies. So, HA! I showed you, whoever you are, who may or may not at some point, possibly care enough to look at the picture and discern that there is some sort of incongruity and attempt to call me on it!! HA HA! Nice try!
Lesbian scissor sex...LMAO. R
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