CRUSADER OF THE T.P.

As Lord of the T.P.(post 06SEP2011) my goal was to establish my Kingdom, claim the Toilet paper from the available stalls, thereby creating a single source for shit paper, and then forming a peasant class which had no choice but to beg for my T.P, and could then be more easily converted to the faith.  Since then God has blessed me with much favor in that I now control, not only my own stall, but three of the five other stalls within the public bathroom.  My Kingdom has grown as has my dominance in the area.  I usurped two of the three stalls, which I now control, by locking the stall doors from the inside by reaching over from the other stall.  To outsiders, even though no feet were visible beneath the stalls the fact that the doors were obviously locked completely deterred even the most determined of them, thus forcing them to use the last two stalls.  On the third of three stalls I had conquered, I went so far as to put a pair of spare gym shoes at the base of the toilet itself.  As would-be Lords of the T.P. attempted to get into the stall they noticed the tips of shoes from beneath and were immediately ran off.  I was to be the ONLY Lord of the T.P. in this bathroom!  I was on a mission from God himself to vanquish the vile scum which attempted to inhabit the glorious stalls of Publicus Bathroomus, the land which I now claimed for my own and for the Almighty.  As I had previously stated; three out of five stalls had been conquered; leaving a stubborn two left.  The crowds were already surging around the row of stalls as only those last two were left to facilitate all needs of the scourge outside.  I was determined to take those last two from the demon spawn wishing to pray to their false porcelain gods.  Those hell beasts, who offered chocolate eggs to their evil spirits, within their swirling pools of despair and hate.  I SHALL CAST THE DEMONS FROM THE LAND OF GOD AND ALL SHALL KNOW THAT I AM HE WHO DOTH BROUGHT THE WRATH OF THE HEAVENS TO LIGHT THE PATH TO GLORY!!  I already had six converts to the faith who were ready to serve me as I saw fit.  I dictated my wishes to them that upon my exorcising the demons from the last two stalls they were to occupy the land and stand their ground.  I gathered frigid purified sink water in a bucket and with all the power I could muster, dumped it over the doors of both stalls.  The demons came bursting out in all their half naked filth, writhing, hissing, and screaming.  My apprentices quickly leapt into the open chasms of the stalls and slammed the doors shut barring the spawns of Satan from ever returning.  Despite brief yet passionate protests and howling by the demons, they eventually left, and thus all five stalls had been claimed for the Lord of the T.P., my followers, and for the glory of the Almighty!