CRUSADER OF THE T.P.

As Lord of the T.P.(post 06SEP2011) my goal was to establish my Kingdom, claim the Toilet paper from the available stalls, thereby creating a single source for shit paper, and then forming a peasant class which had no choice but to beg for my T.P, and could then be more easily converted to the faith.  Since then God has blessed me with much favor in that I now control, not only my own stall, but three of the five other stalls within the public bathroom.  My Kingdom has grown as has my dominance in the area.  I usurped two of the three stalls, which I now control, by locking the stall doors from the inside by reaching over from the other stall.  To outsiders, even though no feet were visible beneath the stalls the fact that the doors were obviously locked completely deterred even the most determined of them, thus forcing them to use the last two stalls.  On the third of three stalls I had conquered, I went so far as to put a pair of spare gym shoes at the base of the toilet itself.  As would-be Lords of the T.P. attempted to get into the stall they noticed the tips of shoes from beneath and were immediately ran off.  I was to be the ONLY Lord of the T.P. in this bathroom!  I was on a mission from God himself to vanquish the vile scum which attempted to inhabit the glorious stalls of Publicus Bathroomus, the land which I now claimed for my own and for the Almighty.  As I had previously stated; three out of five stalls had been conquered; leaving a stubborn two left.  The crowds were already surging around the row of stalls as only those last two were left to facilitate all needs of the scourge outside.  I was determined to take those last two from the demon spawn wishing to pray to their false porcelain gods.  Those hell beasts, who offered chocolate eggs to their evil spirits, within their swirling pools of despair and hate.  I SHALL CAST THE DEMONS FROM THE LAND OF GOD AND ALL SHALL KNOW THAT I AM HE WHO DOTH BROUGHT THE WRATH OF THE HEAVENS TO LIGHT THE PATH TO GLORY!!  I already had six converts to the faith who were ready to serve me as I saw fit.  I dictated my wishes to them that upon my exorcising the demons from the last two stalls they were to occupy the land and stand their ground.  I gathered frigid purified sink water in a bucket and with all the power I could muster, dumped it over the doors of both stalls.  The demons came bursting out in all their half naked filth, writhing, hissing, and screaming.  My apprentices quickly leapt into the open chasms of the stalls and slammed the doors shut barring the spawns of Satan from ever returning.  Despite brief yet passionate protests and howling by the demons, they eventually left, and thus all five stalls had been claimed for the Lord of the T.P., my followers, and for the glory of the Almighty!

LAKE SHITTICAKAPUPUPEEPEE

I have always had aspirations of owning a farm.  For now, though, I am relegated to my back yard.  I have set up a small garden area where I grow squash, tomatoes, radishes, etc.  Next to that I have several rows of corn.  I used to use a Native American technique which is to add a small fish (a guppy or something similar) to the seed hole thus introducing a burst of nutrients from which the plant can feed as it grows.  Kinda like the original Miracle Gro.  This, however, started to get a little tedious as my garden grew larger; plus I was decimating the population of my kid’s goldfish bowl as going back and forth to the local pond for more guppies got to be a pain in the ass.  So, I had to come up with a solution.  “D’uh!” I said to myself.  I could just go and buy some fertilizer or manure from the garden shop in town. 

            The manure worked out great but it started getting pricey.  Then one day, I was sacrificing butt babies to the porcelain god, when I flushed the toilet, it clogged, and started overflowing.  “Aw fuck!”  I shouted as the toilet gushed forth like a geyser pouring onto the floor of the bathroom and immediately out the door.  The chocolate river ebbed and flowed through the hallway, then across the hardwood of the living room on its way to the kitchen.  I panicked and grabbed one of my cats, knocking it unconscious by whacking it up against the wall and dropped it in front of the tide of turds as an organic sandbag to slow it, but it was no use.  I figured if I added more cats I could halt the rush of shit water so I started whacking cats against the wall like their species depended on it.  Five unconscious shit soaked felines later and the deluge still just continued right around them.  I thought to myself “If I only had more cats! Fuck!”  The surge of fecal fluid trekked across the glued down squares of linoleum flooring in the kitchen and headed for the screen door in the back.  I could only sit there in disbelief as the river of rank finally exploded through the mesh of the screen door leaving solids on one side and a liquid colon cocktail on the other to flow down the steps.  Finally, one of my cats regained consciousness and, remembering it’s emergency flooding training, ran to the bathroom, gripped the toilet input water valve wheel with its teeth and rightee tight-eed it.  The flow at the bathroom end had ceased.  The business end of the tsunami of shit, however, concluded its path of destruction in my garden by flooding it completely.

            All I could do was let the waters of the newly formed Lake Shitticakapupupeepee drain into the ground over the next couple of days.  I threw my hands up in frustration and avoided the garden for a full week.  Upon coming back to till the soil, rip out dead plants and start the garden fresh, I noticed that not only were my plants not ruined; they were flourishing.  The squash and radishes, despite a brown hue, looked amazing.  The tomatoes looked like plump ebony goodness and the corn like…well; it looked like really good corn; with corn on it.  That’s when it hit me!  Why the fuck am I paying for manure when I’ve got it for free right here!?  In fact, apparently, my shit is so bangin’ that if I can get a garden to look this good, I could even sell this stuff.  So that’s what I did; I sold it.  I started eating a loaf of white bread and a multivitamin every day then followed it with a Metamucil chaser to speed things along.  I was a human fertilizer assembly line.  I had it down to three hours between shits and thanks to all the white bread in my diet it came out in perfectly firm logs ready for plastic wrapping.  I call it Rusty’s Miracle Loaf.  They are selling like hot cakes and on top of that I get Government tax breaks for falling under the Green Business Initiative.  So, I get paid and veggies get made.  Ain’t America great?!