TAO of GLUTTONY

I like to eat.  A massive heart attack is probably the way I’m gonna bite the bullet, but as long as I’m deep throating a strawberry danish at the time, so be it.  That’s the beauty of America; the gluttony of our culture.  We don’t eat a leaf of vinaigrette glazed lettuce with a slice of ricotta sitting on a vine ripened tomato slice like in Europe… there’s no time for that bullshit in America.  No one has a fresh garden on their balcony as if we lived in a downtown Paris apartment.  We have Wal-Mart.  Within the Wal-Mart we have the food section (just cattycorner to the Hardware section and across from the Electronics).  The food section of Wal-Mart, where at 2 o’clock in the morning I can, after smoking 8 bowls of sticky icky, get a bucket of M&M’s, a tub of ice cream, and wheel barrel of fried chicken without even one person looking at me sideways.  You can’t milk your goat in the dark, Europe, I guess you’re not gonna have cereal first thing in the morning, I’ll bet you wish you could spend only 30 seconds pulling the gallon of milk out of the Wal-Mart fridges anytime you wanted. 

In addition to a 24 hour food supply, we have everything from IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eaters) and AICE (Association of Independent Competitive Eaters) to an entire channel on cable devoted just for cooking and food (Food Network).  I always wondered if starving goat herders in Sudan or famished kids in the ghettos of Somalia, whatever that means, are watching these shows and saying “Look at these fucking cocksuckers, they’ve got a motherfucking show JUST for eating…. What kind of horseshit is this?  I have to collect the flies buzzing around my head for a meal.”   My reply, of course, being “Sucks to be you shithead, maybe you should stop fucking goat herding and get a real job, like a mercenary or a corrupt military official. 

If I ever go on a humanitarian mission to a place where people are in dire need of help and all they have to eat is dust, because of a repressive regime that slaughters whole villages out of spite, I’d know exactly what needed to be done.  I’d bring a team of people that were the best of the best when it comes to deep frying Twinkies.  With my “A” team of Twinkie Fryers we’d churn out hundreds upon hundreds of them.  My goal would be to fatten up the famished and oppressed populace as quickly as possible.  Granted, they’d get absolutely zero nutritional value from the deep fried Twinkies but they’d be delicious, would take their mind off of the constant threat of beheading, and we’d create plenty of fat asses to cannibalize once we’d left and no more food was coming in.  I would have done my part for humanity, and I could go back to the U.S. happy knowing that I contributed to a brighter future for this World.  I might even start a charity.  I’d call it, IBAHF (International Broke Ass Hungry Fucks)… okay, so the acronym needs some work but it’s the thought that counts.