URINAL ETIQUETTE

Alright, I'll make this quick.  I've been noticing some serious slacking in urinal etiquette lately.  I'm not going to go over all the examples and rules of urinal etiquette as that would take quite awhile.  I'm just gonna touch on the basics and some errors I have noticed recently.  Starting with the first picture below:1ST PISSER: Always proceeds immediately to the end stall farthest from the door to avoid incoming traffic.

2ND PISSER:  It is preferred that they locate to the most distant stall from the other urinal pisser even if it's closest to the door.  It is not improper to be where this man is as he is correctly spaced, but it is not preferred.

3RD PISSER: As long as there is equal distant and a stall in between each pisser you are golden (no pun intended).

NO TALKING:  Talking is strictly forbidden, in general, but if a moderate light conversation is ABSOLUTELY necessary exceptions can be made for those that are AT LEAST two urinals distance away as to avoid accidental junk viewing.  In addition, it interrupts the sanctity of the piss.  The bathroom is a fortress of solitude for a man and his concentration should not be broken, especially by a fellow man.  His only time at peace is in the bathroom, don't rob him of his peace!

JUNK VIEWING: Obviously this is strictly forbidden.  Even in jest this is forbidden as a "pretend-to-view" can quickly and accidentally turn into a "oh shit-my-bad-didn't mean to-is that a wort or a zit?-never mind-view".  No one wants that, gay or straight, no one wants that.

ENCOURAGING MOCKING OF OTHERS JUNK:
Not cool!  If you are gonna bust on some dudes junk at least do it after you leave the bathroom.  Karma is a bitch.  Just cause his dick's smaller than a new born chicken's dick, doesn't mean that some mandingo motherfucker won't put YOU to shame next week.  Just not good etiquette.

HURRICANE STRENGTH HEMORRHOIDS

Have you ever tried and succeeded in shitting into a bag?  I have and have.  Now, I’m not talking some large trash bag or some pseudo toilet set up, or even shitting in a hole and then scooping it into a bag like when you’re camping.  I’m talking squatting over a quart-sized Ziploc sandwich bag and shitting into it with the precision of a diamantaire trying to create an Asscher Cut diamond.  Why didn’t I just shit in the toilet you ask?  (sarcastic and condescending tone) “Well…ummm…the Hurricane, maybe….?”  You see, I was trapped by Hurricane Irene in a room about 12ft by 12ft; don’t ask why, it’s a longer story than you’ll want to read.  Having a sudden onset of “Punching Midget Bowels” (see my post THUNDER POO from 15AUG2011) I debated between braving the gale force winds and certain death or shitting in-house.  I opted for shitting in-house.  Frantically, I scurried around the small space looking for the essentials: something to shit into; something to wipe the shit off with; and something else to put the something I shit into…into, to reduce the smell.  I found some cloth rags, some scraps of paper towels, an old TPS report and I even sacrificed one of my socks for the cause.  Now, not only did I have to squat over this bag and shit into it, but because it’s was a sandwich sized bag, I had to hold it with both hands.  Last thing I needed was to miss the mark and shit on my hands or have an unexpected blow out which would rip the bag away from me.  So, squatting, I had my left hand in front holding one end of the bag and right hand in rear under my ass holding the other side of the bag.  I held it open and went for it.  Operation Soft Serve was a success!  Oh shit, wait! I have to pee!  I forgot!  I always have to pee right as I’ve finished shitting...can’t….stop….it,…too….late!  Operation Golden Shower was in full affect.  In a moment of clarity, I realize what needed to be done.  I release my right hand grip on the now poo-filled bag and with my left quickly jostle it into an inline position with my dick.  Oooooohhhhh….that’s nice.  As I am sitting their urinating atop my own shit, into a Ziploc bag, in a small confined space, during the middle of hurricane, I can’t help but feel like a mangy homeless dog squat-shitting on someone’s pristine lawn in the suburbs.  Phew, finally I finished.  I wiped my ass, sealed up the bag with the convenient Ziploc bag seals; yellow stripe, blue stripe, makes green stripe and we’re all set.  Operation Irene, which is the overall name for both Operations Soft Serve and Golden Shower, was a complete success.  Now I just gotta figure out which mail box to put this Ziploc bag full of shitty-piss into.