URINAL ETIQUETTE

Alright, I'll make this quick.  I've been noticing some serious slacking in urinal etiquette lately.  I'm not going to go over all the examples and rules of urinal etiquette as that would take quite awhile.  I'm just gonna touch on the basics and some errors I have noticed recently.  Starting with the first picture below:1ST PISSER: Always proceeds immediately to the end stall farthest from the door to avoid incoming traffic.

2ND PISSER:  It is preferred that they locate to the most distant stall from the other urinal pisser even if it's closest to the door.  It is not improper to be where this man is as he is correctly spaced, but it is not preferred.

3RD PISSER: As long as there is equal distant and a stall in between each pisser you are golden (no pun intended).

NO TALKING:  Talking is strictly forbidden, in general, but if a moderate light conversation is ABSOLUTELY necessary exceptions can be made for those that are AT LEAST two urinals distance away as to avoid accidental junk viewing.  In addition, it interrupts the sanctity of the piss.  The bathroom is a fortress of solitude for a man and his concentration should not be broken, especially by a fellow man.  His only time at peace is in the bathroom, don't rob him of his peace!

JUNK VIEWING: Obviously this is strictly forbidden.  Even in jest this is forbidden as a "pretend-to-view" can quickly and accidentally turn into a "oh shit-my-bad-didn't mean to-is that a wort or a zit?-never mind-view".  No one wants that, gay or straight, no one wants that.

ENCOURAGING MOCKING OF OTHERS JUNK:
Not cool!  If you are gonna bust on some dudes junk at least do it after you leave the bathroom.  Karma is a bitch.  Just cause his dick's smaller than a new born chicken's dick, doesn't mean that some mandingo motherfucker won't put YOU to shame next week.  Just not good etiquette.

BLACK PANTHER PROBLEM

I was talking to my Brother-in-Law, Huey Newton III, yesterday.  He is having problems with his wife (my sister).  He said to me “Rusty, man, I need yo’ help wit dis bitch rite he’re.”  Well, hold on a second…let’s rewind a bit and get some perspective.  You see, Musty, my older sister, and Huey met at a New Black Panther Party rally in Oakland, California in September of 1995.  Huey is let’s say…not very tolerant of the fact that I’m white.  I keep trying to tell him that the name Shrew is, from what my mom told me, a Ugandan name, straight out of Africa, and that my family carries a rare albino genetic code that makes us all just LOOK Caucasian; but he doesn’t want to hear it.  So be it.  He insists that whenever I talk to him I speak to him in Ebonics, not because that is the only language he understands, he actually has a PhD. in linguistics; he just thinks Ebonics was a ridiculous segregationist technique created by the white man and that since I am a ridiculous white man that I should be forced to speak it.  That’s fine with me; when in Rome right?  So, therefore, I just adjust my vernacular when I’m around him, just as you would switch to Français when in Paris.  Musty is, of course, fluent in Ebonics, and is much more versed in the enunciation and inflection of the Ebonic vernacular than I am.  I’m working on it though.  Now that you have some background on Huey, let’s get back to his dilemma:

[ME] “So wuss yo beef wit Musty, cuz?”

[HUEY] “Bruh, lemme tell u bout dis heffa! I go tuh fuk dis bitch lass night, right? She gon tell me “My pussy hurts from da lass time we had sex”, I say, WHU!? Fuck dat shit!

[ME] “For real dog? Damn, wuz she sore or some shit from yo black mamba?”

[HUEY]  ”Nah, Homey, I get ta talkin’ to dis bitch and she tell me, after like 30 minutes or some shit, that it ain’t da pussy that hurts, it’s that she ain’t in da mood.”

[ME] “WHU! Bitch betta recognize!”

[HUEY]  “Dog, I wuz mad as hell, and I said, whut chu NEED tah do, is wash dat stank as pussy! Dat shit smell  like a ferret’s dick, girl! Dats problee why yo punk ass daddy named yo ass Musty!”

[ME] “Oh shit son! Den whut?”

[HUEY]  “Bruh, dis bitch dun pulled a gat out on mah ass!  She said “You evah say some shit like dat again, and I’ll blow yo muh fuckin’ dick, right duh fuck off!”  Yo! I wuz like, Oh SHIT dis skeezy is for real!

[ME] “Dat shit’s legit homey!  So, whutchu gon du now?”

[HUEY]  “I’m gon apologize to mah boo.  She don’t need shit like dat comin’ from her man.  I bought some flowers and candy and shit, cause bitches love flowers and candy and shit, you know what I’m sayin’ Dog?”

[ME] “True dat.”

[HUEY]  “A’ight bruh, I appreciate you lettin’ me holla at chu.  Peace out.”

[ME] “A’ight homey.”

Now that wasn’t so bad was it?  Nothing but a simple little misunderstanding between a married couple.  It happens to us all.  The point is that we learn to understand and listen to what our partner is trying to say and respect THEIR point of view as well.   Peace out, Homey.