MILK ME MATH

After reaching ejaculatory climax this morning I got to thinking….  How much have I ejaculated since I started masturbating?  I figured that I must have busted enough nuts to repopulate the entire population of the United States.  So I sat down and went through the math.

AVERAGE VOLUME OF SEMEN PER EJACULATE:  About 2 milliliters to 6 milliliters. So lets just split that and say that my average ejaculate is about 4 milliliters.

NUMBER OF TIMES OF DAY:  With that number (4 ml) I will take the EXTREMELY low ball number of one time a day.  (My record in one day is 13 times just to give you an idea of how low ball once a day is but that’s a story for another day)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER WEEK:  4 ml X 7 days a week = 28 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER MONTH:  28 ml X 4 weeks = 112 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER YEAR: 112 ml X 12 months = 1344 ml (keep in mind that a one liter bottle of soda is 1000 ml)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 12 years old (roughly when I started full time): 1344 ml X 22 years = 29,568 ml  (That’s over 29 full one liter bottles full of semen).

APPROXIMATE AMOUNT OF SPERM PRODUCED SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD: 28,568ml X 280 million (average amount of sperm per ejaculate) = 8,279,040,000,000 (8.27 Trillion sperm)

CURRENT UNITED STATES POPULATION AS OF TODAY: 314,189,172 (over 324 million)

CURRENT WORLD POPULATION AS OF TODAY:  7,033,713,687 (over 7 Billion people)

So after doing the math I could easily repopulate the entire United States population and potentially the entire World population by myself.  So ladies, since the Mayan calendar proves that the World is going to end in December of 2012, how bout it?  I am ready and willing to fill your gas tanks, top off your reservoir, plug your dyke, be the pig in your blanket, stuff your turkey, pack your bags, lube your gears, cream coat your cookies, butter your bread, plaster your pelvic girdle, soak your spunge, circumnavigate your cervix, flog your fallopian tubes, baste your baby maker, over-easy your eggs, dredge your canal, if you know what I mean….  Repopulate the United States?  Shit, I wouldn’t even break a sweat but the child support would be a bitch!

***Just as a side note if I were to have been donating sperm and getting paid for it I calculated that too.  

AVERAGE AMOUNT PAID PER SPERM DONATION: $40 dollars to $206 dollars (So I realize my sperm, being obviously of a superior stock, would be at the high end, but lets just go with the low ball amount of $40 dollars)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD (of legal age to sell my baby gravy) = 1344 ml (yearly amount) X 16 years= 24, 192 ml

AMOUNT OF SINGLE SERVINGS OF EJACULATE SINCE 18 YEARS OLD: 24,192 divided by 4(ml)= 6,048 times

AMOUNT OF MONEY MADE SINCE I WAS OF LEGAL AGE (18 years old) AT THE RATE OF $40 DOLLARS PER NUT:  6,048 times ejaculated since 18 years old X $40 dollars =   $241,920 dollars!!!  What the fuck!!  To think I could have been cashing in this whole time!  Shit, I better start saving those happy socks cause they are all worth at least a $1,000 each!

CENTENARIAN NARCO LORDS

An underground epidemic is occurring that few, if any, people know about.  It involves an insidiously addictive new drug, if you can call it that, which makes the crack epidemic of the 1980’s look like a frat house rufee party for naïve freshman college girls.  The most prevalent targets of these addicts are older men; the older the better.  The most prized of that demographic are the centenarians (those who have reached 100 years or above in age), and of those the most rare and highly prized are the super centenarians (humans having reach 110 years of age or older).  Many elderly men, believe it or not, are facilitators of these addicts, and thus the catalysts for the rapid up-tick in addiction cases and violent crimes related to it.  What is this new drug that is sweeping the Nation?  If you’ve ever heard the joke “He’s so old that when he busts-a-nut, powder comes out!”, then you’re more apt than most to understand the dilemma.  No one quite knows where it started but the urban myth runs along the lines of those propogated about the AIDS virus.  For AIDS it was a “known fact” that a gay guy went to Africa, fucked a monkey that was infected with the virus, travelled back to the United States thus unleashing that plague upon everyone….thanks gay guy.   Similarly, the gay community has “allegedly” contributed to this scourge that has befallen us as well.  The urban myth goes that in a public bathroom in San Francisco one of the stalls had a hole drilled into the wall of it.  This modification of course instantly converts it into a GLORY HOLE room.  One day a young gay man, or straight man looking to validate his heterosexuality (see Post THE UNGAY BOYS, 9SEP2011), goes into the glory hole stall.  A centenarian of 105 years old is in the stall next to him and inserts his penis through the hole.  After 10 solid minutes the elderly mystery man’s cock is fully fellatiated and he ejaculates.   Rather than a gelatinous mass permeated with spermatozoa the young man gets a mouth full poof of powderized man fertilizer.  What, until that day in San Francisco, had yet to be discovered by the gay community, or heterosexuality curious community, is that powderized ejaculate creates an extremely euphoric effect in humans.  Scientists do not yet know why powdered jizz has such a potent narcotic nature whereas normal gelatinous cum does nothing.  The euphoric feeling is on par with or better than that of heroine, and the ultimate benefit is that it is, in theory, free.    The demand for old man ejaculate shot through the roof.  Highly addicted jizzheads began raiding retirement communities, nursing homes, bingo parlors, and VFW’s everywhere.   Old men were being sucked off left and right.  The fact that elderly men were likely to be on a fixed income did not help the situation as they were more and more likely to bust powdery nuts into young men’s mouths for extra cash.  So many old men were being fellatio’d that they, literally, began running dry, no pun intended.  So these young men began experimenting with other methods such as taking raw ejaculate from younger men, putting it in a spoon, heating it until it crystallized and then sniffing it.  It worked, but as far as sniffing jizz goes it was the equivalent of smoking skunk weed vs. some sweet sticky-icky Kine bud.   It just isn’t as good.   This significant desire for “the older the berry the sweeter the jizz” product has created the equivalent of narco-bosses out of some super-centenarians.  They have harems of the oldest fucks imaginable hopped up on cocktails of rufees (to keep them sedated) and Viagra (to keep them hard and producing).  These super-centenarian drug lords milk their centenarian and sub-centenarian captives like cattle creating mounds of powderized ejaculate that sells for millions of dollars.  The reason you haven’t heard of this is because who the fuck would be believe there are 110+ year old Scar Faces out there with Narco Sperm Empires.  It’s usually dismissed as just another gay slander against elderly homosexuals and nothing more is said about it.   I just wanted to make you all aware of it so your children, homosexual or not, do not succumb to this epidemic. 

After Thought: Seeing as how everyone is looking for the next big high because the government keeps making everything except the pharmaceuticals they're selling illegal, it's actually pretty amazing that it took this long for people to figure out that powderized jizz gets you lifted.  I suppose prior to this discovery the only things you did with jizz were swallow, spit, or dodge it.  So, maybe it's not such a surprise it took this long after all.

BLOWIN' UP YA OVARIES!

I’m so virile that my dick has it’s own dick

I impregnate women just by looking at them

In fact, any women reading this blog right now…you better go check yo’ muh fuckin’ shit, cause you’ve probably just been rustied…your welcome.

I ejaculate sperm the size of fish

With one sperm I can impregnate three women

If I ever die my balls have a half life of 20,000 years

I can interspecies impregnate, CAN YOU DO THAT SHIT! FUCK NO YOU CAN’T!  I can make cowpeople babies if I want to

I can get men pregnant.  You didn’t know that shit was even fucking possible did you?! Now you know.

My dick’s so hard it can punch through 3 cinder blocks.  IN A ROW!

My dick’s so hard I chop down trees with it

The Viagra commercial says “Call a doctor for an erection lasting more than 4 hours”,  my shit lasts for 48 hours NON STOP on a regular basis.

I ejaculate like a shotgun.  I'll blow yo' fuckin' ovaries, THE FUCK UP!

In the year 2356 female archaeologists will dig up a napkin with my sperm on it and instantly have a baby

My babies don’t wait no fuckin’ 9 months!    9 minutes!   BAM! BABY!  Fuckin’ done!