MILK ME MATH

After reaching ejaculatory climax this morning I got to thinking….  How much have I ejaculated since I started masturbating?  I figured that I must have busted enough nuts to repopulate the entire population of the United States.  So I sat down and went through the math.

AVERAGE VOLUME OF SEMEN PER EJACULATE:  About 2 milliliters to 6 milliliters. So lets just split that and say that my average ejaculate is about 4 milliliters.

NUMBER OF TIMES OF DAY:  With that number (4 ml) I will take the EXTREMELY low ball number of one time a day.  (My record in one day is 13 times just to give you an idea of how low ball once a day is but that’s a story for another day)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER WEEK:  4 ml X 7 days a week = 28 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER MONTH:  28 ml X 4 weeks = 112 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER YEAR: 112 ml X 12 months = 1344 ml (keep in mind that a one liter bottle of soda is 1000 ml)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 12 years old (roughly when I started full time): 1344 ml X 22 years = 29,568 ml  (That’s over 29 full one liter bottles full of semen).

APPROXIMATE AMOUNT OF SPERM PRODUCED SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD: 28,568ml X 280 million (average amount of sperm per ejaculate) = 8,279,040,000,000 (8.27 Trillion sperm)

CURRENT UNITED STATES POPULATION AS OF TODAY: 314,189,172 (over 324 million)

CURRENT WORLD POPULATION AS OF TODAY:  7,033,713,687 (over 7 Billion people)

So after doing the math I could easily repopulate the entire United States population and potentially the entire World population by myself.  So ladies, since the Mayan calendar proves that the World is going to end in December of 2012, how bout it?  I am ready and willing to fill your gas tanks, top off your reservoir, plug your dyke, be the pig in your blanket, stuff your turkey, pack your bags, lube your gears, cream coat your cookies, butter your bread, plaster your pelvic girdle, soak your spunge, circumnavigate your cervix, flog your fallopian tubes, baste your baby maker, over-easy your eggs, dredge your canal, if you know what I mean….  Repopulate the United States?  Shit, I wouldn’t even break a sweat but the child support would be a bitch!

***Just as a side note if I were to have been donating sperm and getting paid for it I calculated that too.  

AVERAGE AMOUNT PAID PER SPERM DONATION: $40 dollars to $206 dollars (So I realize my sperm, being obviously of a superior stock, would be at the high end, but lets just go with the low ball amount of $40 dollars)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD (of legal age to sell my baby gravy) = 1344 ml (yearly amount) X 16 years= 24, 192 ml

AMOUNT OF SINGLE SERVINGS OF EJACULATE SINCE 18 YEARS OLD: 24,192 divided by 4(ml)= 6,048 times

AMOUNT OF MONEY MADE SINCE I WAS OF LEGAL AGE (18 years old) AT THE RATE OF $40 DOLLARS PER NUT:  6,048 times ejaculated since 18 years old X $40 dollars =   $241,920 dollars!!!  What the fuck!!  To think I could have been cashing in this whole time!  Shit, I better start saving those happy socks cause they are all worth at least a $1,000 each!

MECH SEX

What would it take for you to fuck a robot or be fucked by a robot?  Now, I know they have those videos called “Fucking Machines” out there (just Google it and you’ll quickly be educated) where women are “treated” to a dildo at the end of what is essentially a stick thrusted by a blender motor.  Recently, however, Fucking Machines HAS gotten much more sophisticated to the point where they have licking machines, double Dutch machines, etc., but they are still nothing more than crude devices.  I have seen flesh lights for men that have automated rippling effects and dildos for women that would spin like a dreidel inside your cervix, but nothing truly advanced.

 Some advances in robotic technology such as Honda’s ASIMO show promise but are still just a jackoff machine with a Pentium chip in it.  I’d think in order for it to be interesting you’d actually need a MECH machine.  Something that either is fully autonomous or that you can jump into and operate as a vehicle.  That seems like the next evolution in sex after fucking something like a horse or mandingo black guy or me.  To have someone in a giant MECH suit fill you full of chrome plated cock and then bust  10W-30 Valvoline all over your chest would be amazing, I think. 

My only objection to having sex with a MECH would be the possibility of a malfunction.  With your home PC, if you have glitch you may lose your family pictures, it may shut down on you, or your Adobe acrobat  might not work correctly or something like that.  If you’re MECH has a glitch, however, and you’re fucking it…you could have a serious problem.  If you are banging a female MECH it’s vice-like pussy would cut your dick clean off Laurena Bobbit style.  If you are GETTING banged by a MECH you can expect that the 2 foot long steel pipe of a penis will end up rammed into your ribcage via your ass or wherever it’s entering from.  It’d be like doing pull-ups, naked, above a standing broom stick, then losing your grip.  It would be pretty awful but it’d be a fucking amazing way to go, though.  Imagine telling that one at the pearly gates….[Saint Peter] “So, Rusty…why have you come before me at the Gates to Heaven?”   [Rusty Shrew] “Well, you see what happened was…..”

Side note: How kick ass would it be to see two people, each in their own individually operated MECH suits fucking the shit out of eachother.  I wouldn’t even know what to think, It’d blow my mind if I saw that.  Are you supposed to jack off to something like that? Or is that like being in your kitchen and masturbating to the whirring of your blender or climaxing in sync with the popping of your toaster?