Willy, a cute little calico rabbit from the local pet store and about 20 of his buddies have just been sold to the Johnson & Johnson Company for animal testing of their products. The first test they undergo is getting Listerine poured into their eyes to find out if they need to adjust the alcohol content, down a bit, in order to reduce that stinging sensation in your mouth. Now is this a bad thing? I say “No”. Now before you call PETA on me, here me out… I was thinking about all the women that put on Maybelline eye shadow every day. Thanks to Willy, and the countless jabs in the eyes from that eye shadow brush encrusted with powder and mica, Johnson & Johnson Co. can ensure you are safe and they don’t get sued when your eye gets blood shot or your cheek gets permanently stained from crying over your boyfriend dumping you. The customer’s needs always come first. After all, with mica being used in everything from Asphalt shingles and drywall to capacitors in electronics and heating elements such as those in your toaster, you can never take too many precautions. Without Willy, how would we ever have discovered that fine balance of, what we now refer to as, “Cosmetics Grade Mica”, that is safe for humans? So, let’s say “Thanks Willy!” for all that you and your buddies do for the human race to keep us safe. Now, just as Willy has a special role to play in our society; humans have a role to play in the intergalactic community. When aliens visit earth to snatch up cows and people every one automatically assumes it is for some kind of malevolent scientific research. A little known fact about aliens, in general, that you probably don’t know, and that STAR TREK (both original and TNG) is too PG-13 to show you, is that the galaxy is a cesspool of debauchery. We here on earth, have recently come from the era of Leave it to Beaver and The Andy Griffith Show, to nowadays, Jersey Shore and Two and a Half Men, and many communities feel as though the morals of the human race are going down the shitter. I mean, I remember when Sharon Stone’s Beaver shot in the movie Basic Instinct was, like, almost an NC-17 rating. Nowadays, that shit would follow a rerun of Sponge Bob Square Pants on the Cartoon Network. So this has happened in a fairly short period of time, but now imagine, out in the Galaxy, having eons to morally decline. A good example is of the Planet Xiaxxu. 7,000 years ago, the aliens there were debating on how many times you were allowed to ejaculate on Blucopods (A Xiaxxu version of Earth’s cute puppies). Thousands of years before the Egyptians, on Earth, were building the Pyramids, the Xaixxuians were trying to figure out NOT whether it was OKAY to jack off on Blucopods, but HOW MANY TIMES in a day you could. So as you can see, to our observers out in the galactic community, Jersey Shore and Sharon Stone’s beaver shot is the equivalent of “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” when you were 10 years old; it’s fucking tame in comparison. Something else you probably didn’t know is that our intergalactic peers have long had a thriving fetish industry. When you hear of aliens coming down to Earth and anal probing humans don’t snicker at the absurdity of Beings travelling millions of light years JUST to stick something up a person’s ass. The Galactic fetish industry primarily depends on the product testing (anal probing) of the human race to ensure the safety of its intergalactic customers, just like Johnson & Johnson’s eye shadow is tested on Willy here on Earth. You see, for example, if hundreds of humans hadn’t died to find out that Glakthor’s Super Nova Dildo (made on Neptune by the way) explodes within five seconds of coming in contact with a warm wet environment, such as a human anal cavity, millions of potential customers; our intergalactic neighbors, may have suffered. So stand up Human Race! and be proud of the job your doing being the guinea pigs of the alien erotica industry, you are the Willy of your intergalactic community.
