MECH SEX

What would it take for you to fuck a robot or be fucked by a robot?  Now, I know they have those videos called “Fucking Machines” out there (just Google it and you’ll quickly be educated) where women are “treated” to a dildo at the end of what is essentially a stick thrusted by a blender motor.  Recently, however, Fucking Machines HAS gotten much more sophisticated to the point where they have licking machines, double Dutch machines, etc., but they are still nothing more than crude devices.  I have seen flesh lights for men that have automated rippling effects and dildos for women that would spin like a dreidel inside your cervix, but nothing truly advanced.

 Some advances in robotic technology such as Honda’s ASIMO show promise but are still just a jackoff machine with a Pentium chip in it.  I’d think in order for it to be interesting you’d actually need a MECH machine.  Something that either is fully autonomous or that you can jump into and operate as a vehicle.  That seems like the next evolution in sex after fucking something like a horse or mandingo black guy or me.  To have someone in a giant MECH suit fill you full of chrome plated cock and then bust  10W-30 Valvoline all over your chest would be amazing, I think. 

My only objection to having sex with a MECH would be the possibility of a malfunction.  With your home PC, if you have glitch you may lose your family pictures, it may shut down on you, or your Adobe acrobat  might not work correctly or something like that.  If you’re MECH has a glitch, however, and you’re fucking it…you could have a serious problem.  If you are banging a female MECH it’s vice-like pussy would cut your dick clean off Laurena Bobbit style.  If you are GETTING banged by a MECH you can expect that the 2 foot long steel pipe of a penis will end up rammed into your ribcage via your ass or wherever it’s entering from.  It’d be like doing pull-ups, naked, above a standing broom stick, then losing your grip.  It would be pretty awful but it’d be a fucking amazing way to go, though.  Imagine telling that one at the pearly gates….[Saint Peter] “So, Rusty…why have you come before me at the Gates to Heaven?”   [Rusty Shrew] “Well, you see what happened was…..”

Side note: How kick ass would it be to see two people, each in their own individually operated MECH suits fucking the shit out of eachother.  I wouldn’t even know what to think, It’d blow my mind if I saw that.  Are you supposed to jack off to something like that? Or is that like being in your kitchen and masturbating to the whirring of your blender or climaxing in sync with the popping of your toaster?

CANDY BARS AND BUTT BABIES

I woke up this morning with a hankering for chocolate.  So, I lazily reached off the side of the bed into an old pair of jeans that I remembered had half of an old candy bar in it and BINGO!  As I was getting the squirreled away pseudo-melted candy bar I looked over at my baby in the crib.  I looked at my sleeping baby, then at the candy bar, then the baby again, and the candy bar again, baby, candy bar, baby, candy bar.  Then I had an epiphany.  For all those metro sexual husbands out there (Picture the movie “I love you Man”) that want to share in the experience of child birth but can’t, or have a wife that’s infertile, or they are sterile themselves, I have a solution.  Butt Babies! 

 Now, a women’s reproductive tract is a hostile environment, for sperm, to begin with.  It’s like taking  seventy- thousand 3 year olds, giving them Nerf guns, dropping them off on the beaches of Normandy on D-Day and saying “The Nazi’s are in those pill boxes on the cliffside, go gettum’ soldiers!”   The end result may make a great Dead Baby joke, but it’s a brutal environment, and that’s why very few sperm make it to fertilize the egg.  For women who want to be mothers but are having difficulties you have artificial insemination, surrogacy, fertility pills, etc. but even these methods aren’t always certain to produce.  

Once again, Butt Babies solves this dilemma! Very similar to artificial insemination, except you shove the fertilized egg up the husband’s ass and graft it to his rectal wall so the passing by bowel movements don’t take it away.  Kind of like a little spider pouch, if you’ve seen those, but in a guy’s ass.  The walls of the rectum are quite flexible and would easily facilitate a healthy, albeit shit covered, baby.  For all you naysayers, just go online, change your web search filter setting to NONE on Google, and type in “Brutal Anal.”  You will be a believer after that I assure you.  So, anyways, the baby grows and is excreted into the toilet or into a warm moist towel held by a wet nurse and voila! You have a brand new butt baby boy or girl!  Problem solved, and just think, this all came from a flattened, lint covered, three week old, partial Snickers bar. Life’s a funny thing.

Side Note: Yes, I know about Thomas Beatie, but my method involves ZERO surgery to accomplish.

Dead Baby Joke (cause you knew it was coming): 
J:  What’s grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

A: One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

**Dead baby joke courtesy of:  dead-baby-joke.com