MILK ME MATH

After reaching ejaculatory climax this morning I got to thinking….  How much have I ejaculated since I started masturbating?  I figured that I must have busted enough nuts to repopulate the entire population of the United States.  So I sat down and went through the math.

AVERAGE VOLUME OF SEMEN PER EJACULATE:  About 2 milliliters to 6 milliliters. So lets just split that and say that my average ejaculate is about 4 milliliters.

NUMBER OF TIMES OF DAY:  With that number (4 ml) I will take the EXTREMELY low ball number of one time a day.  (My record in one day is 13 times just to give you an idea of how low ball once a day is but that’s a story for another day)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER WEEK:  4 ml X 7 days a week = 28 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER MONTH:  28 ml X 4 weeks = 112 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER YEAR: 112 ml X 12 months = 1344 ml (keep in mind that a one liter bottle of soda is 1000 ml)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 12 years old (roughly when I started full time): 1344 ml X 22 years = 29,568 ml  (That’s over 29 full one liter bottles full of semen).

APPROXIMATE AMOUNT OF SPERM PRODUCED SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD: 28,568ml X 280 million (average amount of sperm per ejaculate) = 8,279,040,000,000 (8.27 Trillion sperm)

CURRENT UNITED STATES POPULATION AS OF TODAY: 314,189,172 (over 324 million)

CURRENT WORLD POPULATION AS OF TODAY:  7,033,713,687 (over 7 Billion people)

So after doing the math I could easily repopulate the entire United States population and potentially the entire World population by myself.  So ladies, since the Mayan calendar proves that the World is going to end in December of 2012, how bout it?  I am ready and willing to fill your gas tanks, top off your reservoir, plug your dyke, be the pig in your blanket, stuff your turkey, pack your bags, lube your gears, cream coat your cookies, butter your bread, plaster your pelvic girdle, soak your spunge, circumnavigate your cervix, flog your fallopian tubes, baste your baby maker, over-easy your eggs, dredge your canal, if you know what I mean….  Repopulate the United States?  Shit, I wouldn’t even break a sweat but the child support would be a bitch!

***Just as a side note if I were to have been donating sperm and getting paid for it I calculated that too.  

AVERAGE AMOUNT PAID PER SPERM DONATION: $40 dollars to $206 dollars (So I realize my sperm, being obviously of a superior stock, would be at the high end, but lets just go with the low ball amount of $40 dollars)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD (of legal age to sell my baby gravy) = 1344 ml (yearly amount) X 16 years= 24, 192 ml

AMOUNT OF SINGLE SERVINGS OF EJACULATE SINCE 18 YEARS OLD: 24,192 divided by 4(ml)= 6,048 times

AMOUNT OF MONEY MADE SINCE I WAS OF LEGAL AGE (18 years old) AT THE RATE OF $40 DOLLARS PER NUT:  6,048 times ejaculated since 18 years old X $40 dollars =   $241,920 dollars!!!  What the fuck!!  To think I could have been cashing in this whole time!  Shit, I better start saving those happy socks cause they are all worth at least a $1,000 each!

SHOTGUN FARTS

SHIT! I’ll tell you what; I bought a whole shitload of fresh roasted garlic with olive oil on it, like 3 fist full's worth, at the supermarket yesterday.  I ate them ALL.  They were so fuckin’ good.  This morning and pretty much all day today I have had a school that requires a fair amount of concentration and finite hand coordination (you have a dirty ass mind, shut up).  The gas produced by the quarter pound of roasted garlic built up in my system so quick and smelled so bad that I had to rush to the bathroom every half hour.  I couldn’t concentrate the pressure pains were too much.  Each time I ran to the toilet and hurriedly sat down, my ass cheeks were splayed open by the curvature of the seat cover’s design, and my sphincter didn’t even have a chance to flutter..BAM!! Like a shotgun!! (not even close to an exaggeration) the 75psi worth of gas in my bowels ejaculated out of my ass! (and yes that is an appropriate way to use that word, see you learned something today.. it’s not just for nut bustin’)  How did I know it was the roasted garlic and olive oil that caused this half hourly turmoil?  I could clearly see, just as you would corn, the WHOLE garlic cloves just as they went into my mouth but coming out the other end with such velocity as to chip the enamel of the porcelain toilet.  Hell, I probably could have pulled them out of the toilet and ate them again they looked so similar to how they were just yesterday going into my mouth.  I was actually concerned that someone might think I was making a snuff film in one of the stalls because it didn’t sound like I was farting/sharting  AT ALL.  The fart was quick and explosive and the sound (yes the sound) of the garlic cloves ricocheting off of the toilet bowl walls was so similar to a Mossberg 500 that if anyone was within ear shot I might be in jail right now. 

Side note:  Another way of using ejactulate is:  He couldn’t take the child’s constant whining and bickering anymore and finally ejaculated, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll kick the fuck out of you!”  (if you read old books, as I like to, you hear it used in this way a lot, still sounds weird though.)

Another note:  I could have put Blade to shame today with the amount of vampires that would have gotten fucked up being anywhere near me.