THE PHANTOM METHANE POD RACE

The Phantom Methane Pod Race is when you do a little fart and that gas rolls into a 4mm sized gas ball as it tries to escape while compressed between the butt cheeks and the other fleshy crotch landscape features.  The gas ball rolls out of the sphincter, up through the butt cheeks, and then hits the taint run (which is the flat out portion of the race track consisting of the length of the taint).  Then up to the bottom cusp of the scrotum (or Labia Majora for you lady racers) which is the finish line where the gas ball slams into and pops signaling the winner.  I had two such gas balls that came out of my asshole, both jockeying for position.  I couldn’t see the race, obviously, but the sensitive nerves of my treasure trove are what indicated the progress of this fast paced methane laced Taintooine pod race.  Like a blind and deaf man getting a prostate exam, you never really know when it’s done until it’s done but it’s exhilarating while it’s happening and such a relief when it’s over.  Along with the competitive excitement that comes from something akin to seeing Sea Biscuit win a race it also feels awesome as well.  Now, having just one gas ball is a rare event as is but two balls is almost unheard of.  I was so ecstatic that I almost wanted to clench my cheeks just to slow the race down but those balls are fast tricky little fucks and I soon realized I had little control over it.  I could only sit back and enjoy the race in all its glory. 

SHOTGUN FARTS

SHIT! I’ll tell you what; I bought a whole shitload of fresh roasted garlic with olive oil on it, like 3 fist full's worth, at the supermarket yesterday.  I ate them ALL.  They were so fuckin’ good.  This morning and pretty much all day today I have had a school that requires a fair amount of concentration and finite hand coordination (you have a dirty ass mind, shut up).  The gas produced by the quarter pound of roasted garlic built up in my system so quick and smelled so bad that I had to rush to the bathroom every half hour.  I couldn’t concentrate the pressure pains were too much.  Each time I ran to the toilet and hurriedly sat down, my ass cheeks were splayed open by the curvature of the seat cover’s design, and my sphincter didn’t even have a chance to flutter..BAM!! Like a shotgun!! (not even close to an exaggeration) the 75psi worth of gas in my bowels ejaculated out of my ass! (and yes that is an appropriate way to use that word, see you learned something today.. it’s not just for nut bustin’)  How did I know it was the roasted garlic and olive oil that caused this half hourly turmoil?  I could clearly see, just as you would corn, the WHOLE garlic cloves just as they went into my mouth but coming out the other end with such velocity as to chip the enamel of the porcelain toilet.  Hell, I probably could have pulled them out of the toilet and ate them again they looked so similar to how they were just yesterday going into my mouth.  I was actually concerned that someone might think I was making a snuff film in one of the stalls because it didn’t sound like I was farting/sharting  AT ALL.  The fart was quick and explosive and the sound (yes the sound) of the garlic cloves ricocheting off of the toilet bowl walls was so similar to a Mossberg 500 that if anyone was within ear shot I might be in jail right now. 

Side note:  Another way of using ejactulate is:  He couldn’t take the child’s constant whining and bickering anymore and finally ejaculated, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll kick the fuck out of you!”  (if you read old books, as I like to, you hear it used in this way a lot, still sounds weird though.)

Another note:  I could have put Blade to shame today with the amount of vampires that would have gotten fucked up being anywhere near me.