THUNDER POO

This one will be short, I promise.  I figured I’d start the week off on the right foot.  At this very moment I have a log of shit so huge, in my ass, that it literally feels like I ate a midget while he was asleep, and he woke up, and is now punching his way through my intestinal track to get out the other end.  I am trying to figure out what the fuck I ate so as to never replicate this experience again.  In addition, I am not in a position nor in the location where I have facilities TO shit, so, essentially, I’m stuck.  I feel like I’m in some sweat shop in Bangladesh and I have a very specific job.  All I have to do is test butt plugs…on myself.  I test various different sizes from virgin asshole poppers to porn butt fisters.  My main testing objective is to determine if the shape of the butt plug is conducive to plugging butt, without losing the device inside the rectum completely.  You see, that is why, typically, butt plugs have that Mario Brothers Goomba shape, so that you won’t go, “OH SHIT! Ummmm… I…just…..lost… the butt plug.”  Cause I’ll tell you what, if you think it’s hard getting a butt plug IN to your butt…. try getting that motherfucker OUT after it shoots inside your anal cavity.  You may have to go child birth style on that thing with obstetrical forceps and a shit load of Vaseline.  You gotta turn that thing around, get a good grip, maybe put a leg or two on the hip bones of the victim as leverage, then yank that fucker out!  I’ll tell you what though; at least I’d be a hit at parties… [ME] “Hey you fucks, check out what I can do!” [PARTY GOER #1] “What’s Rusty doing? He’s just sitting on that black stool.  What’s so special about that?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Bro, that’s not a stool, that’s a giant butt plug.” [PARTY GOER #1] “Uhhh…what the fuck? Are you fucking serious?” [PARTY GOER #2] “Shhh…just watch he’s about to start, this shit’ll blow your mind..” [ME] “ Alright! Here…I…Goooouuuuuunnnngggghhhhhhhfffuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!”

PATTERNS 1

When you take a shower, and soap yourself up, do have a particular pattern you follow?  Seriously, don’t gimme that, “Oh, here we go” look.  Think about it.  Next time you’re in the shower think about how you wipe yourself down.  Do you go face, behind the ear lobes, armpits, chest, stomach, butt crack, nuts and/or vag, legs then feet?  Do you skip the legs altogether?  Do you do ass crack then go “SHIT” cause then you have to go to the face next cause you forgot to?  What if you’ve got mud butt?  Do you use your soapy fingers like they are a rake and your feces are your neighbor’s autumn leaves that are all over your lawn?  What’s your pattern?  I’m an ass to face kinda guy.  I dunno why, I don’t plan on doing it, it just happens.  If I have to scrub mud butt, I then have to scrub my finger tips with the soap bar, afterwards, in some vain attempt to clean them.  I never wash my legs, fuck um’.  I sometimes wash my feet.  Never ever wash my back…I probably have dirt on there from when I was 15 years old.  My hair?  If I give a fuck.  However, I DO always use my apricot scrub and then Aveeno pore cleanser on my face, no matter what. Gotta take care of myself you know.   What’s your pattern?

BLOWIN' UP YA OVARIES!

I’m so virile that my dick has it’s own dick

I impregnate women just by looking at them

In fact, any women reading this blog right now…you better go check yo’ muh fuckin’ shit, cause you’ve probably just been rustied…your welcome.

I ejaculate sperm the size of fish

With one sperm I can impregnate three women

If I ever die my balls have a half life of 20,000 years

I can interspecies impregnate, CAN YOU DO THAT SHIT! FUCK NO YOU CAN’T!  I can make cowpeople babies if I want to

I can get men pregnant.  You didn’t know that shit was even fucking possible did you?! Now you know.

My dick’s so hard it can punch through 3 cinder blocks.  IN A ROW!

My dick’s so hard I chop down trees with it

The Viagra commercial says “Call a doctor for an erection lasting more than 4 hours”,  my shit lasts for 48 hours NON STOP on a regular basis.

I ejaculate like a shotgun.  I'll blow yo' fuckin' ovaries, THE FUCK UP!

In the year 2356 female archaeologists will dig up a napkin with my sperm on it and instantly have a baby

My babies don’t wait no fuckin’ 9 months!    9 minutes!   BAM! BABY!  Fuckin’ done!

ARGUING WITH AN ASSHOLE

I have this friend, well more like a good acquaintance, his personality is like Guinness, and it takes some getting used to.  He’s temperamental, likes to spout off at the mouth a lot, but most of the time he has a grudge and holds things in.  I guess the best word to describe him is that he’s an asshole.  We’ve known each other our whole lives.  We have this place we always like to go to, kind of like our own little hang out.  I’d say we go there just about everyday, sometimes twice a day.  When we get there he is always really anxious to get to it, bossing me around, trying to get ahead of me and even threatening me sometimes.  It has become a Pavlovian type response for him.  In fact, this pattern of us going out everyday is so engrained in him that before we even get there he’s bugging the shit out of me.  It’s really irritating.  I have almost lost control of myself before because of him.  We bicker back and forth all the way there.  I say “Hold the fuck on man! You weren’t bugging me like this ten minutes ago but now that we’re almost here you can’t wait to get going!”  He just sits there and pushes and pushes and pushes until I can’t stand it anymore.  He even spits on the ground sometimes out of spite.  I wonder why I even bother arguing with him sometimes.  It doesn’t even make sense.  Sometimes, it seems like we’ll never get along, but other times, when things go just right, we are like two peas in a pod.  Yep! My asshole and I have been through some shit together but we always end up coming out clean on the other side. 

Ivan Pavlov (conditioned response): Experiments using dogs where as some form of stimuli (ie., ringing a bell, mild electric shock, whistles, etc.) was used whenever it was time for the dog to eat.  At a certain point the food was never presented and just the stimuli was conducted and the dogs began to drool in anticipation of the food even though it wasn’t there.  The stimuli caused the conditioned response rather than the food.  Just in case you were curious.

WEEKEND RACIST

Getting a Red Bull is one of my favorite past times, probably because I am completely addicted to the Taurine or whatever horrific heart failure causing agents are in it.  I can’t resist.  So, today I was in the local 7-11 (I say local like it’s Mr. Smith’s 2^nd street deli and not a chain store that’s fucking everywhere) and, as usual, buying my 3 gallon can of Red Bull because the 16oz one won’t hasten my eventual meeting with Satan quick enough.  While waiting in line I spied this guy in front of me who had several well placed tattoos embossed on his flesh.  I happened to notice this peculiar tattoo on the side of his right calf.  He had a tree with a long extended branch.  From the branch was a Klu Klux Klan member who was hanging from a noose and quite dead.  I thought, to myself, “what an odd tattoo choice.”  I mean, I get the symbolism of it but it was one of those tilt your head and scrunch your upper lip in curious bewilderment moments.   What would possess someone to get a tattoo like that, particularly a white guy?  The movie Black Sheep with Chris Farley popped into my head and I imagined him with his 6 black friends at a college frat party, getting shit faced and double dog daring each other.  The eventual outcome being, “Fuck you Jamal! I’m not a pussy!…wanna make a bet that I won’t get that tattoo?”  My second thought was that maybe he was just sympathetic to the struggle for African American rights in America against the backlash of primarily white racist oppression.  Naaahh… that’s too easy of an answer.  I finally concluded that he MUST be a self loathing Klu Klux Klan member.   It’s like when Ariel Moore in Footloose rebels against her uptight conservative father and goes dancing.  He still hangs out with his Klux buddies during the week, but on the weekend he gets nuts and sheds the white robe and marches in NBPP rallies. On Sundays, he hosts a book seminar on the influence of "In the Name of Elijah Muhammad Louis Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam" by Mattias Gardell, just for fun. 

MASTURBADEER

I had a job a few years back that required a lot of driving.  Usually 2-3 hours of driving most days of the week.   Sometimes I would end up driving up to 8 hours or more depending on what was being asked of me.   Obviously, as you can imagine, drives of that length on open roads in a place like Montana can get pretty boring.  One particular day I was on the road by 8 A.M. heading to a town that was about 6 hours away.  I got to the town, did the job I was assigned to do for most of the day and proceeded back home in the early evening.  I now had a full 6 hour drive back home to look forward to.  I have found that, just like The Count of Monte Cristo when he was trapped in the Château d'If , you can only entertain yourself in so many ways when you are alone.  You can only listen to so much AM Radio before the combination of Sean Hannity and NPR makes you want to start up a protest rally against yourself.   You can only sing the Tetris theme song so many different ways before you aren’t even funny to yourself anymore.  There is only so much gold you can dig for in your nose before the mine is tapped.  Honking your horn at cows is just dumb and talking to yourself is just as pointless.  There is, however, one thing you can NEVER get bored of doing while driving on long trips with nothing to do.  CAR JACKING, and I don’t mean the stopped-at-a-red-light-in-Newark-New Jersey-at-2 o’clock-in-the morning type of carjacking.  So, there I am… it’s just after midnight, I’m still about an hour and a half away from home, and I’m driving at a smooth 95 miles an hour in the company dodge stratus.  I manage to strip down to just my socks, while driving.  Hey, don’t look at me like that; just undressing at that speed took a good 10 minutes of time off the trip.  Well worth it, in my opinion.  I then proceed with “Operation Purple Mushroom”.   I typically yell at myself the whole time, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”, as it helps me keep the rhythm plus I love that children’s nursery story; what’s it called again?….That’s right, The Little Engine that Could, thanks for reminding me.  Anyways, so at this point I’m sweating my ass off.  I cannot remember the last time I looked at the road and get concerned that I might be missing something.  I look up just in time to see the HERD of deer, yes I said HERD, that are crossing the road about 40 feet in front of me.  If I had to guess I’d estimate 80 deer in length, and about 10 deer deep.  I have no time to react, stop, speed up, or anything.  Amazingly, a small gap, about 8 feet wide, opens in the HERD and I barrel right through the hole like a gay guy in an ass fucking contest.  Deer heads clipped my right side mirror they were so close on either side and I burst out the other side; the herd once again disappearing into the night.  At this point I immediately ejaculate!  To be honest with you, despite almost plowing into a wall of deer, butt naked, at 95 miles an hour, in the company car, in bum fuck Montana, while jacking off, that was probably the best masturbation EVER!  I’ll tell you what though, coming so close to death in a Dodge Stratus will make you appreciate cumming all over yourself in a Dodge Stratus.    

FUCK TREES!

Who the hell uses only one sheet of toilet paper?  I was sitting in a public bathroom today trying to avoid having the head of my dick touch porcelain exposed by the gap in the front of the toilet seat.  I failed; now I have AIDS….fucking sucks… anyways, so I am sitting there, getting AIDS, and reading anything that will pass as a language, text, or gibberish to take my mind off the process.  I find the standard “Call Tonya for the best B.J. [random phone number to some elementary school or other unsuspecting innocents]”.  After that it is the casual knife carving of a penis or “I’m awesome”…sure enough followed by someone crossing out “Awesome” and writing “Gay”.   So, I am perusing the various pictographs and witty quips of generations of bathroom goers, finally able to shit now that I have found bathroom Zen, and then prepare for clean up.  The toilet paper was just sitting upright as no one ever cleans the bathroom, and the janitor apparently can’t be bothered to install the tissue correctly in the holder.  “That’s fine by me”, I mouth silently to myself.  I start pulling the tissue paper expecting to spool it out easily into the unnecessarily gigantic gobs that I apparently require to wipe an area the size of quarter.  I get three sheets into the pull and it parts.  I pull again, undeterred.  Two sheets this time [mild frown].  Pulled again; one sheet [“really?” face].  Pulled once again; one sheet, again!  “Okay, really?!” I yelp loud enough for the other stalls to share in my dissatisfaction.  At this point I am irritated that, not only am I getting a miniscule amount of shit paper, but I am, apparently, getting less with each pull.  Then, in a moment of environmental consciousness, I think to myself, “Hey Rusty, do you REALLY NEED two fistfuls of paper per wipe, can’t you save trees in the Amazon and just use that one sheet you were given?” [face goes from calm thinker to enraged shitter again].  “FUCK TREES!” I yell.  Anyone who WAS trying to ignore me and tend to their individual shitting experience can no longer shut me out.  “FUCK THIS TOILET PAPER TOO!”  In a rage I go “bored house cat” on the spool of toilet paper to my endless frustration.  If you were standing outside the stall waiting, you’d see it snowing single sheets in the opening under the door.  I grab a trembling fist full of singles and pack my ass crack full of them nearly getting shit all over my wrist in the attempt.  I then pull up my pants settling for mud butt rather than being in that stall one moment longer.  Out of spite, I smash my hand on every closed stall door on the way out like my palm was Thor’s fucking hammer and yelling “FUCK TREES!”