I WISH MY CATS HAD GLAUCOMA

                                                                                 

I have five cats, yes, you heard me…five!  They used to be awesome and my goal was to have six cats so I could say at parties, “I’ve got a half dozen cats.”  Cause if you have five you’re just the crazy cat guy or lady, but if you have a half dozen, now you’re trendy and hip.  So now that I’m getting sick of these little bastards, after 10 years of having them, I don’t know how to get rid of them.  I look at my cats, condescendingly of course as I always do, and they look pretty fuckin’ healthy.  I don’t think they are ever gonna die, hell, they might even out live me at this rate.  They aren’t like outdoor cats that have to struggle to find food and fight other cats for territorial supremacy and mates, living a stressed out life. They are lazy, ungrateful, and spoiled cats each with their own belly fat that sways as they walk.  They look fit as a fiddle.  You’d expect the signs that a house pet is getting old to be, like, glaucoma in both eyes, teeth falling out, fur manging and falling out, limping and in pain, etc.  These fucking cats are doing back flips!  That’s like going to your Grandpa’s house expecting to see a decrepit old man and you walk in on him banging Miss Oklahoma 1999 while flexing in the mirror like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.  I’m not sure what to do?  I want to smother them with a pillow or drown them or shoot them in their cute little furry fucking faces with a shotgun but I don’t have the heart to do so.  I thought about giving them away but I’m too damn attached to them.  It’d be like giving away your kids, you want to, but you’d feel bad for a little while after the fact.  So now, I’m basically just stuck waiting for them to die.  I find myself sitting on the couch petting them while they purr away on my belly, saying “why won’t just die you little son-of-a-bitch, just die already!”  Why couldn’t I have five gerbils instead?  Their life span is like 2-4 years.  When you’re done sticking them up your ass, just break their neck and throw their little shit covered ass in the trash.  Then get a new one.  I used to go through like 10 a week back in the day.  I’d buy um’ by the bushel.

Side note: A cat’s life span is approximately 12-14 years.  A gerbil’s life span is approximately 2-4 years.  A gerbil’s lifespan in my house … 30 minutes to an hour depending on if he scratches my colon or not.