WORLD TRANSLATOR

Monday, July 18, 2011

CHRONO-BATING

Chronobating is a term I have coined for the rapid rate at which time increases while masturbating.  I’m sure, being the intelligent and well-learned audience that you are, that you’ve heard the phrase “Time flies when you’re having fun”?  I find that in my experience, in the masturbatory arts, that what seems like a 2 minute sprint race in all actuality is equivalent to about 20 minutes.  Now am I actually choking the chicken or for women, hooking the tuna, for 20 minutes!  Hmmm… I think not, my phallus would be shredded beet red from friction with the look of a pulled pork sandwich.  So, either my dick is a temporal nexus that can bend the fabric of space and time, or the act itself creates a chronometric annomally, thus slowing MY time down while the rest of the world operates at a normal rate.  Is this Quantum Leap?  Genitalia Leap?  Actually, it’s probably closer to H.G.Wells than Scott Bakula, and yes I know one is an author and the other an actor, you get the point.  Now, if I could only SLOW time down.  Maybe if I stick something up my ass?  Gathering empirical data is such a pain in the butt, literally.
Posted by Rusty Shrew at 7:02 PM
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3 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 18, 2011 at 11:19 PM

    Well, I have always wondered the same thing. In fact, I have contemplated this point: If you masturbate at faster than the speed of light will time stop? Or even reverse itself? Is it possible for me to masturbate fast enough that by coitus I have actually brought myself back in time enough that Hammer pants are cool again? Or even back to the time before Micheal was a pedophile? This has just become my goal. So, in the interest of science, I am going to go do a little research, and work on my stroke.

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  2. AnonymousJuly 18, 2011 at 11:56 PM

    Is there a formula for this theory? Like, how many times do you have to stroke it to advance like a hundred years into the future? I think I'm going to try to find out. R

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  3. Rusty ShrewJuly 19, 2011 at 6:27 AM

    That's a good question. Ever since I was a young Bater I've been pondering this. I consider the merging of my fist and penis, when it happens, to be one unit. This combined unit functions, in principle, as Nikola Tesla's resonance (earthquake) machine was meant to. Tesla's machine, if you didn't know, was used to tune to whatever object you wanted to affect's resonant frequency. If you've seen the Mythbusters episode you'll understand it also. So, anyway, what I'm getting at is that Tesla's machine used a little energy to create a huge result. My merged fist/penis "machine" uses the stroking motion to vibrate the harmonic frequency of the universe thus creating a temporal causality. No formula yet though still in the testing phases, sorry.

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