BOSTON LOG TOSSER

When I was thirteen, I was all about efficiency and expediency.  I wanted to make sure everything in my life had order, was done correctly, and quickly.  When mowing the lawn I’d go as fast as I could but always with an eye on perfection; getting the little grass stalks that intertwined the chain link fence that the mower couldn’t get, with scissors; pruning the begonias and rose bushes; de-weeding the entire yard of it’s dandelions;  washing the windows like the President himself would be coming by and white gloving them.  I was ridiculous.  So, needless to say, I took that efficient mindedness into the bathroom with me.  I would vigorously shower like I’d been full body licked by a hairy Greek bath house patron and use the minimum amount of soap necessary.  One day, while showering, I had a sudden urge to shit.  I was almost clean by this point, mind you.  I thought about what an immense disruption in my clockwork-like day it would be to have to get out the shower, towel off, take a shit, wipe my ass, get back in the shower, basically take a whole new shower, towel off again and THEN get dressed.  That’s, like, 5 minutes of wasted time that I could be doing homework, vacuuming the carpet, helping my mom with groceries.  Not to mention how uncomfortable it feels to get out of the shower wet and sit on the toilet, all sliding around, wet, cold, and water on the floor, and yeah… it’s terrible.  So, I devised a plan of action.  I, while in the shower, just began to shit.  Bent my legs a little, in a half squat position, and started shitting.  I had a good solid log coming out, which was very fortunate.  The position I was in, however, made it very awkward, and my sphincter began to flutter.  In a panic, and concerned about a “suck back” and having to start all over, I quickly reacted….I grasped the log and began to pull.  It was like trying to pull a cat through the cat door it had almost successfully made it out of.  Despite some tender tugging the hand pull did the trick, I was able to manually extract the Christmas log from my anal cavity.  So, what to do with the 10 incher in my hand?  I opened the shower door (it was one of those glass shower doors) and like the fat kid picked for the basketball game I granny tossed it into the toilet.  A triumphant SPLOOSH and it was over.  All I had to do now was a quick cleaning of my ass and left hand, towel off, flush the toilet on the way out, and I was back on schedule.  I did this thrice total, but that third time was my last.  I got cocky, and it was my undoing. On that final time I attempted a Ray Allen, from the Celtics, jump shot with the log…..and missed.  The log hit the toilet rim, splitting itself in two, one half splooshed into the toilet but the stray piece exploded all over the floor and toilet side wall, creating an infinitesimally more complex situation than I had anticipated.  That was the last Log Toss I ever did, sad to say.  I retired my jersey and #2 was never worn again in my house.