With Thanksgiving coming up soon I always get revved up for the mass slaughter of turkeys that occurs each year. Despite PETA’s best efforts American’s blood lust for this fat ass bird is limitless. Do you know why? Cause they taste fucking delicious! What? Did you expect me to say something else? I have, however, noticed that the swine is making an increasing dent in the table toppings year by year. I see more and more honey hams as the main dish all by itself, and this encroachment got me thinking. I contacted the ASPCA (The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) for information on some of the most prevalent animals species found and neglected. Assuming I was interested in volunteer work or something they eagerly ran down the list of the creatures. Obviously, dogs and cats were at the top as they are a common feral animal. They are followed by gerbils (tossed after anal sex I’d imagine), birds (when you run out of bird seed to sprinkle on your balls), snakes (same reason as gerbils), iguanas (when you run out of crickets for it to eat off your balls), and so on. After getting that list I teamed up with my buddy Derrick who has one of those big ass barbecue pits on wheels that he tows behind his truck and sells awesome BBQ at sports events, festivals, etc. I handed him a basket full of puppies that I had recently adopted from the kennel for free, as they were about to be euthanized. You see, if you grab them up within 2 hours of their execution time you get them for free, whereas if you are too early you gotta pay all those bullshit fees and fill out shitloads of paperwork. The kennel looks at it from a cost savings perspective. They figure the animal was a goner anyway and this way they don’t have to pay for the injection, disposal, and associated man hours expended. So anyways, I said to Derrick “Bro, you make some amazing BBQ out of pork, chicken, steak, etc., but if I were to have you cook up these dogs could you make them just as good?” Derrick responded with “Shit son! I love dog! In fact I cooked up a whole German shepherd last week and fed it to these yahoos at a soccer game and they loved that shit. I’ve got an entire underground market for unorthodox BBQ. Why what’s up?” I told him that my plan was to curb the yearly holocaust of the turkey and swine by introducing the forgotten other white meat in this country; the neglected feral animals and house pets. I said all it would take would be a campaign to convince the American people that a basket full of warm gerbils was just as delicious as, and easier to distribute than, carving a cumbersome turkey or ham. A plate full of snakes makes better sandwiches for the kids for the rest of the week as leftovers than a turkey ever could. If Edward Bernays could dupe the American public into believing “bacon and eggs” was a hearty/healthy breakfast to help the pork industry sell more bacon in 1920’s, then I will create my own catch phrase by replacing it with “kitty and eggs”, or Thanksgiving Golden Retriever. If you’re good at BBQ, you can make a cow patty taste like hickory flavored heaven, and sell like hotcakes. Some may say that I’m just swapping one species for another and that soon it’ll just be a holocaust for some other creatures. For one, the turkey and swine are mass bred for feeding. These creatures aren’t roaming around whilly nilly cat calling on a fence because somebody was allergic to them or gasping for air out some guys asshole cause he likes it when gerbils squirm; they are kept in a confined area before being hacked up with surgical precision and efficiency. In addition, the continued breeding of these turkeys and swine has to be thinning out their DNA pool leaving a massive amount of inbred and retarded turkeys that you are eating, probably resulting in your own retardation. Secondly, I am doing a public service by cleaning up the streets of unwanted animals that might get adopted, but would more than likely get the gas chamber. So, you’re welcome. It’s like hunting. They have a hunting season so that the deer population doesn’t explode and every ¼ mile that you drive you and your baby are risking head first-ing it through the windshield cause they are like flies on Haitian kid’s dick. My holocaust of the unwanted house pets and strays is one of mercy and bounty. Mercy for them to alleviate their suffering and bounty because millions of citizens will have warm, gravy smothered hamsters, gerbils, cats, dogs, snakes, mongooses, rabbits, and goldfishes to eat. So if you start seeing commercials with happy smiling children chowing down on cranberry sauce and calico kittens just know that it’s for a good cause. It’s okay….they’re delicious. I promise.
