APOCALYPTIC LOYALTIES

With the December 2012 apocalypse looming, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my loyalties.  Let’s assume that when the aliens land on Earth their plan is to eliminate the scourge of human insects that have infested their planet all these thousands of years.  The dilemma I have is who would my loyalties be to?  Do I stick it out with my guns and defend against the overwhelming alien force with the last remaining survivors of the planet?  Do I go out in a blaze of glory to demonstrate to the aliens that although they have us beat when it comes to fire power we, as humans, have heart and courage?  Am I standing there side by side with the ragged last rebel  group firing round after round with reckless abandon only to cease my assault when the aliens' energy weapons vaporize the liquid in my body turning me to dust?...... FUCK NO!  I have zero loyalty to the human race AT ALL!  Human’s are shit heads; fuck um!  The VERY first thing I would do is pledge my allegiance to the first alien I saw and to prove it, as I’m sure they’d want a demonstration of my loyalty, by curb stomping the first person I saw.  Then the aliens, impressed by my turncoat mentality, would hand me one of their energy weapons to assist in the decimation of the humans.  The next phase of the alien occupation campaign would be to round up the useful humans such as those that are built well for labor and as breeding vessels.  With the elimination phase over, the human race dropped to its knees, and the occupation phase commencing I would then, having proved my loyalty, surrender myself as a breeding vessel.  The reason I would surrender myself is because with my proven reliability and willingness to aid the alien cause I would not just be a standard breeding vessel but would be one of the upper echelon breeding vessels.  Now I know what you’re thinking…”But Rusty, how can you be a breeding vessel? You aren’t female”?  I would then shatter your preconceived notions of alien breeding practices.  As I’m sure you would know had you been watching the show “Ancient Aliens” on the History Channel, the aliens’ physiology and means of reproducing is incompatible with the human female reproductive tract.  Only human males can become breeding vessels.  The human male anus and the human male urethra are the only suitable body cavities for alien fetal growth.  So I would have my anus implanted with upwards of 60 alien fetal pods and my urethra with up to 12.  The great thing is that all I have to do is sit in a comfortable breeding room in the alien home planet’s maternal facility.  Now granted with that many butt babies and cabies (pronounced KAY-BEEZ, which is short for cock babies) growing in me I would look like a bloated termite queen but I get all the mochtar (alien version of Chinese dumplings), Lookra(a delicious spiny fruit on their planet), and Globpus (A fat gelatinous worm that takes some getting used to but with some paprika and lime tastes like a cross between a deviled egg and a Del Taco fish taco, both of which I love) that I can eat.  The only downside is giving birth but once you get used to it and your orifices get more flexible the pods just basically fall out.  My dick would look like a dead elephant’s trunk that some kid set off a pipe bomb in the end of it but, hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So get ready cause those aliens are coming.  You need to decide whose side you’ll be on cause I already know where my loyalties lie.     

MILK ME MATH

After reaching ejaculatory climax this morning I got to thinking….  How much have I ejaculated since I started masturbating?  I figured that I must have busted enough nuts to repopulate the entire population of the United States.  So I sat down and went through the math.

AVERAGE VOLUME OF SEMEN PER EJACULATE:  About 2 milliliters to 6 milliliters. So lets just split that and say that my average ejaculate is about 4 milliliters.

NUMBER OF TIMES OF DAY:  With that number (4 ml) I will take the EXTREMELY low ball number of one time a day.  (My record in one day is 13 times just to give you an idea of how low ball once a day is but that’s a story for another day)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER WEEK:  4 ml X 7 days a week = 28 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER MONTH:  28 ml X 4 weeks = 112 ml

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE PER YEAR: 112 ml X 12 months = 1344 ml (keep in mind that a one liter bottle of soda is 1000 ml)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 12 years old (roughly when I started full time): 1344 ml X 22 years = 29,568 ml  (That’s over 29 full one liter bottles full of semen).

APPROXIMATE AMOUNT OF SPERM PRODUCED SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD: 28,568ml X 280 million (average amount of sperm per ejaculate) = 8,279,040,000,000 (8.27 Trillion sperm)

CURRENT UNITED STATES POPULATION AS OF TODAY: 314,189,172 (over 324 million)

CURRENT WORLD POPULATION AS OF TODAY:  7,033,713,687 (over 7 Billion people)

So after doing the math I could easily repopulate the entire United States population and potentially the entire World population by myself.  So ladies, since the Mayan calendar proves that the World is going to end in December of 2012, how bout it?  I am ready and willing to fill your gas tanks, top off your reservoir, plug your dyke, be the pig in your blanket, stuff your turkey, pack your bags, lube your gears, cream coat your cookies, butter your bread, plaster your pelvic girdle, soak your spunge, circumnavigate your cervix, flog your fallopian tubes, baste your baby maker, over-easy your eggs, dredge your canal, if you know what I mean….  Repopulate the United States?  Shit, I wouldn’t even break a sweat but the child support would be a bitch!

***Just as a side note if I were to have been donating sperm and getting paid for it I calculated that too.  

AVERAGE AMOUNT PAID PER SPERM DONATION: $40 dollars to $206 dollars (So I realize my sperm, being obviously of a superior stock, would be at the high end, but lets just go with the low ball amount of $40 dollars)

AMOUNT OF EJACULATE SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD (of legal age to sell my baby gravy) = 1344 ml (yearly amount) X 16 years= 24, 192 ml

AMOUNT OF SINGLE SERVINGS OF EJACULATE SINCE 18 YEARS OLD: 24,192 divided by 4(ml)= 6,048 times

AMOUNT OF MONEY MADE SINCE I WAS OF LEGAL AGE (18 years old) AT THE RATE OF $40 DOLLARS PER NUT:  6,048 times ejaculated since 18 years old X $40 dollars =   $241,920 dollars!!!  What the fuck!!  To think I could have been cashing in this whole time!  Shit, I better start saving those happy socks cause they are all worth at least a $1,000 each!

DISCRIMINATING DEVIANT

So I was skimming through the videos on a Transsexual porn site the other day and I discovered something about myself.  I found that I am a very discriminating tranny porn watcher.  I always thought that anything goes with me but it turns out I have a very narrow bandwidth when it comes to chicks with dicks.  I don’t really care for seeing a tranny pounding out a regular guy cause that’s just gay, unless I’m in a sadistic mood.  I am also not big on solo tranny masturbation scenes, but I am a big fan of tranny masturbation during reverse cowboy.  In fact, reverse cowboy is one of the only tranny porn parts that I care to watch other than a tranny railing a regular female.  I dunno, something about the tranny’s dick flopping around in reverse cowboy does it for me.  Now that I think about it, I am also a big fan of “dick surprise” tranny porn.  I know, I know, it’s all just staged but when you have “good” actors in tranny porn that can play off that they are surprised and shocked about being hoodwinked into tranny sex it makes it so much better.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then let me explain.  It’s simple; guy comes into hotel room with “girl”, guy and girl start foreplay, guy pulls down girls pants and her cock is bigger than his;  SURPRISE!!  It’s the best!  Then guy gets his ass carved out by previously mentioned well endowed girl.  At that point I skip through the gay parts to the reverse cowboy scene and might stay around for the finish, if I’m not finished already.  Have a great weekend!

THE PHANTOM METHANE POD RACE

The Phantom Methane Pod Race is when you do a little fart and that gas rolls into a 4mm sized gas ball as it tries to escape while compressed between the butt cheeks and the other fleshy crotch landscape features.  The gas ball rolls out of the sphincter, up through the butt cheeks, and then hits the taint run (which is the flat out portion of the race track consisting of the length of the taint).  Then up to the bottom cusp of the scrotum (or Labia Majora for you lady racers) which is the finish line where the gas ball slams into and pops signaling the winner.  I had two such gas balls that came out of my asshole, both jockeying for position.  I couldn’t see the race, obviously, but the sensitive nerves of my treasure trove are what indicated the progress of this fast paced methane laced Taintooine pod race.  Like a blind and deaf man getting a prostate exam, you never really know when it’s done until it’s done but it’s exhilarating while it’s happening and such a relief when it’s over.  Along with the competitive excitement that comes from something akin to seeing Sea Biscuit win a race it also feels awesome as well.  Now, having just one gas ball is a rare event as is but two balls is almost unheard of.  I was so ecstatic that I almost wanted to clench my cheeks just to slow the race down but those balls are fast tricky little fucks and I soon realized I had little control over it.  I could only sit back and enjoy the race in all its glory. 

UNI-PEDE RECYCLER

As a fervent and almost militant environmentalist, I always strive to not only create awareness but demonstrate new ideas to inspire others.  I have been carrying some extra body fat lately that I wanted to lose.  While watching the movie The Human Centipede I came up with a brilliant idea.  The idea would not only help me lose the excess weight but would be a bold and innovative way of demonstrating environmental consciousness through recycling.  For two weeks I would attach myself to myself, ass to mouth.  I would become a Human Uni-pede or Solo-pede as it’s called in Brazil.  I’d look kind of like those bugs in the M.C. Escher drawing.  This would serve two purposes.  First, I would maximize my body’s ability to absorb the most nutrients possible from each meal.  25% of food’s  nutrients are typically not absorbed by the body and are simply wasted down the toilet.  I would be able to, through re-digesting my own waste, absorb up to 98 % of nutrients from each meal.  Let’s see those kids in Ethiopia be THAT efficient with their UNICEF meal rations.  That’s where the second benefit comes in.  It would raise awareness of world hunger and the need for recycling.  Hell, those skinny kids with flies around their heads on T.V. would be made a thing of the past if they all just went Uni-pede.  I plan on getting surgically connected to my own asshole in the near future.  I have some preparations to take care of first, however.  I need to get a LASER hair removal on my genitals so I don’t have a pubic goatee.  I, especially, need to have my ass hair and anal rim pubes zapped since my lips will be grafted to my sphincter.   I will also need to accustomize myself to taking my food through a tube up my nose that drains into my stomach since my mouth will be rendered inoperative.  I am also starting yoga classes to limber up.  In the position my body will be in it will require not only extreme flexibility but if I expect to be mobile I’ll need to learn to walk on my hands since my legs will be kicked up over my shoulders to facilitate mouth/ass contact.  I’ll keep you updated on the progress.  Rusty, out.

BUNNY RABBIT RAPIST

When I was about 13 years old my parents bought a white bunny rabbit.  In the garage, a cage had been put together that was about 6” wide x 6” long x 4” high and constructed of just 2x4’s and chicken wire.  In the cage was hay for bedding, the feeding bowl, a water suckle bottle and . . . that god damn rapist of a bunny.  Its pink eyes pulsating with anxious erotic anticipation.  Its brilliant white fur prickling as the muscle and skin beneath it shuttered at the thought of the sexual assault it was about to commit.  Its victim?  Its victim was me.  I was raped repeatedly as a child by my sadistic albino bunny.   His name was LUCIUS, which was NOT a name given by me, but rather by my parents, and which I can only assume he was named after the Roman Republic dictator Lucius Cornelius Sulla.  Lucius, however, told me, on repeated occasions, in bunny speak, that I was to address him only by the name LUSCIOUS after, as he put it, his “lusciously fat bunny cock.”  Now, as absurd as the name Luscious is for a bunny to name itself, I have to admit the bunny WAS fairly well endowed, but that’s beside the point.  The fact is that Luscious was a RAPIST! 

                My parents never paid attention to the bunny after they had purchased it.  They must have assumed I would enjoy having a bunny in the house as it added to the spectrum of trapped animals in our domestic zoo such as our cats, gerbils, fish, dogs, etc.  Eventually, being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I became concerned that my parent’s inattentiveness towards the bunny would lead to it starving and dying.  I decided to be the caretaker of yet another pet project; no pun intended.  So every day I fed it and refilled the water, which was easily done from outside the cage.  The problem came when I had to perform the weekly hay bedding change.  This involved entering the cage.  

                When I entered the cage to change the bedding is when the bunny went into action.  I had to bag up the old hay in order to replace it.  This required staying in there for about five minutes.  The bunny was instantly drawn towards my hairy exposed legs.  My calves represented the pulsating and glisteningly wet vagina of a horny female bunny just aching for a thick serving of bunny red rocket to get shoved in it.  Luscious assumed the “hugging hump” position on my calf and started rubbing one out, literally, with his “lusciously fat bunny cock.”  In the beginning I was repulsed by this and worked quickly, in a panic, and constantly kept moving to prevent the violation.  The only problem with that was that it resulted in a half assed job and I would need to go in there more frequently.  So, like any good serially raped victim I resolved to just let it happen and go with it.  After awhile I would enter and just let Luscious go at my leg with fervor and bust his bunny load all over my ankles.  I even began to look forward to it after awhile.  I got a sick sort of pleasure out of seeing him dry thrusting and quivering at just the look of me when I came into the garage.  He loved me, he really loved me, like no other animal I’ve ever known.  Soon I craved the attention and intensity of the Luscious’ sexual desire.  His pent up bunny balls coughing up a full thimble’s worth of Easter jizz was what made the end of my week complete.  Sadly, Luscious died of natural causes or blue balls from a two week vacation we took.   I would be lying if I didn’t say that I missed that little rapist after he was gone. 

UN GAY BOYS 3 (SEXTING)

Late night text conversation between Me and my buddy Hobart.

Rusty [10:42] Hey can you bring your laptop for Tuesday's seminar.  Also, you need to come out of the closet already...

Hobart: [10:43]  I can do that… And for your information I am out of the closet…

Rusty [10:44] LOL, Bout time!!!

Hobart [10:45] I followed your lead.

Rusty [10:51] I’ve lead you to the promise land.  Now u can blow, suck and fuck all over the place with no attachments.  Plus you’ll get rich cause all gay guys are rich like that guy in the movie “The Jackal” that Bruce Willis meets at the club, seduces, kisses, eats his Chinese food, and shoots in the chest.

Hobart [10:52] Are you saying I’m gonna get shot in the chest?  Or catch shots in the mouth?

Rusty [10:54] I’m gonna coat ur tonsils in man milk and then kick u six feet deep in ur chest to make u swallow it.

Hobart [10:55] Well the joke’s on you because I would have swallowed it any way…

Rusty [11:00] Actually, the joke is on u because I have the rare talent of reverse ejaculation.  I can create a vacuum in my scrotum and my penis goes from shooting to sucking like a shop vac! Uh Oh, somebody just got their jizz back! Nice try, fag!

Hobart [11:02] I’m not the fag.. You’re the one who is fantasizing about me sucking your dick!

Rusty [11:02] It isn’t fantasizing it’s predicting.

Hobart [11:03] This year’s South American Humanitarian Society conference will be fun with both of us there.

Rusty [11:07] Won’t be there gay boy u’ll have to suck Thomas’ fat little Vienna sausage dick instead.

Hobart [11:08] Where will you be?

Rusty [11:09] At your uncle’s house.

Hobart [11:10] I don’t have an Uncle…

Rusty [11:12] Then who the hell’s house am I at right now?  He said he was ur Uncle and he was gonna comp me a free massage because I knew u.  That’s why I’m naked sitting in a kiddie pool full of KY.

Hobart[11:13] Fag.

Hobart [11:14] If it was my Uncle it would be astro glyde… The preferred anal sex lube.

Rusty [11:17] I was on welfare before the job that I’m in now, so food stamps only bought me jars of cold coagulated turkey fat that I had to preheat and inject into my ass.  Life was tough back then I wasn't gonna let the man keep me down, a real G's gotta live life to the fullest u know what I’m sayin’…?

Hobart [11:27] Does that mean you love me?

Rusty [11:29] U complete me.  We’re like the Wonder Twins, we can’t transform into the form of a refrigerator, teacup, or a pterodactyl until we touch penis tips.

Hobart [11:33] When can this happen, I’m game!

Rusty [11:35] I got a half chub right now just need the go ahead.

Hobart [11:36] Go.

Rusty [11:36] I’m already there.

Hobart [11:39] I’m cumming on you.

Rusty [11:40] Doesn’t feel like it, but I’ll take ur word for it… oh wait.. oh, okay, there it is, ah shit right in my eye!

Hobart [11:42] Quit being a bitch and take it.

Rusty [11:44] Now my eye is gonna be red all day, fuck u, I’m outta here.

Hobart [11:45] Love you…

Rusty [11:46] Love you too..

Hobart [11:47] Fag..