APOCALYPTIC LOYALTIES

With the December 2012 apocalypse looming, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my loyalties.  Let’s assume that when the aliens land on Earth their plan is to eliminate the scourge of human insects that have infested their planet all these thousands of years.  The dilemma I have is who would my loyalties be to?  Do I stick it out with my guns and defend against the overwhelming alien force with the last remaining survivors of the planet?  Do I go out in a blaze of glory to demonstrate to the aliens that although they have us beat when it comes to fire power we, as humans, have heart and courage?  Am I standing there side by side with the ragged last rebel  group firing round after round with reckless abandon only to cease my assault when the aliens' energy weapons vaporize the liquid in my body turning me to dust?...... FUCK NO!  I have zero loyalty to the human race AT ALL!  Human’s are shit heads; fuck um!  The VERY first thing I would do is pledge my allegiance to the first alien I saw and to prove it, as I’m sure they’d want a demonstration of my loyalty, by curb stomping the first person I saw.  Then the aliens, impressed by my turncoat mentality, would hand me one of their energy weapons to assist in the decimation of the humans.  The next phase of the alien occupation campaign would be to round up the useful humans such as those that are built well for labor and as breeding vessels.  With the elimination phase over, the human race dropped to its knees, and the occupation phase commencing I would then, having proved my loyalty, surrender myself as a breeding vessel.  The reason I would surrender myself is because with my proven reliability and willingness to aid the alien cause I would not just be a standard breeding vessel but would be one of the upper echelon breeding vessels.  Now I know what you’re thinking…”But Rusty, how can you be a breeding vessel? You aren’t female”?  I would then shatter your preconceived notions of alien breeding practices.  As I’m sure you would know had you been watching the show “Ancient Aliens” on the History Channel, the aliens’ physiology and means of reproducing is incompatible with the human female reproductive tract.  Only human males can become breeding vessels.  The human male anus and the human male urethra are the only suitable body cavities for alien fetal growth.  So I would have my anus implanted with upwards of 60 alien fetal pods and my urethra with up to 12.  The great thing is that all I have to do is sit in a comfortable breeding room in the alien home planet’s maternal facility.  Now granted with that many butt babies and cabies (pronounced KAY-BEEZ, which is short for cock babies) growing in me I would look like a bloated termite queen but I get all the mochtar (alien version of Chinese dumplings), Lookra(a delicious spiny fruit on their planet), and Globpus (A fat gelatinous worm that takes some getting used to but with some paprika and lime tastes like a cross between a deviled egg and a Del Taco fish taco, both of which I love) that I can eat.  The only downside is giving birth but once you get used to it and your orifices get more flexible the pods just basically fall out.  My dick would look like a dead elephant’s trunk that some kid set off a pipe bomb in the end of it but, hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So get ready cause those aliens are coming.  You need to decide whose side you’ll be on cause I already know where my loyalties lie.