UNI-PEDE RECYCLER

As a fervent and almost militant environmentalist, I always strive to not only create awareness but demonstrate new ideas to inspire others.  I have been carrying some extra body fat lately that I wanted to lose.  While watching the movie The Human Centipede I came up with a brilliant idea.  The idea would not only help me lose the excess weight but would be a bold and innovative way of demonstrating environmental consciousness through recycling.  For two weeks I would attach myself to myself, ass to mouth.  I would become a Human Uni-pede or Solo-pede as it’s called in Brazil.  I’d look kind of like those bugs in the M.C. Escher drawing.  This would serve two purposes.  First, I would maximize my body’s ability to absorb the most nutrients possible from each meal.  25% of food’s  nutrients are typically not absorbed by the body and are simply wasted down the toilet.  I would be able to, through re-digesting my own waste, absorb up to 98 % of nutrients from each meal.  Let’s see those kids in Ethiopia be THAT efficient with their UNICEF meal rations.  That’s where the second benefit comes in.  It would raise awareness of world hunger and the need for recycling.  Hell, those skinny kids with flies around their heads on T.V. would be made a thing of the past if they all just went Uni-pede.  I plan on getting surgically connected to my own asshole in the near future.  I have some preparations to take care of first, however.  I need to get a LASER hair removal on my genitals so I don’t have a pubic goatee.  I, especially, need to have my ass hair and anal rim pubes zapped since my lips will be grafted to my sphincter.   I will also need to accustomize myself to taking my food through a tube up my nose that drains into my stomach since my mouth will be rendered inoperative.  I am also starting yoga classes to limber up.  In the position my body will be in it will require not only extreme flexibility but if I expect to be mobile I’ll need to learn to walk on my hands since my legs will be kicked up over my shoulders to facilitate mouth/ass contact.  I’ll keep you updated on the progress.  Rusty, out.

AMAZONIAN ASS HAIR ON ARBOR DAY

I have found that in order to trim ass crack hair, and ladies don’t look at me obtusely like you don’t do it too, I have to perform a complex set of maneuvers.  To begin with, I feel that I should be honest with you.  I don’t trim/shave my ass hair very often.  Usually, it’s only for an anniversary or a Bar Mitzvah (I’m not Jewish, but why not, it’s an excuse) or because it’s Arbor Day (I’m environmentally conscious).  So anyways, you can’t just shove a Schick Quattro up your ass crack and expect magic.  You may get the tree tops of the Amazon but you won’t even be close to clearing the forest and kicking out the Natives to make room for your condominiums unless you get creative.

 I find that climbing completely onto the sink top itself, turning around, and facing my ass towards the mirror is the best approach.  I can then begin to bend over at this point.  You must, however, be extremely careful as you are top heavy and slightly off balance on that thin sink rim.  You can easily topple right off the sink and go through the bathroom door.  I managed to do this last Arbor Day and ended up smashing through the door like the Kool-Aid Man “OH YEAH!”, and knocking myself unconscious with my Quattro imbedded in my left ass cheek.  It was quite embarrassing, as my whole GREEN ECO-FIGHTERS CLUB group was there at the time having tea and strumpets before a rally on a local non-recycling 7-Eleven.  Needless to say, I was barred from the group as they found out that I was not full time Au Natural in the butt crack department….a lot of Oregonians and Northern Californians in that group.

 So, back to ass crack hair… you’re bent over looking at your pucker pipe from between your legs.  You then cock one leg up on the towel rack and begin to take on the briar patch.  Get it all, might as well, get the dingle berries, the taint trap, and the chocolate valley….hell, and even get those little strays that linger around the starfish.   When you’re done you’ll have a back end that’s as smooth as shark’s skin and will be the envy of all your friends.