As you all know I am quite the environmentalist. I feel strongly that all of us should do our part to help preserve our planet by finding renewable and low impact ways to sustain ourselves for the benefit of all. I was researching ways of heating my home recently. I looked at solar power, solar steam generating systems, geothermal, and even considered restructuring portions of my home so as capture the most sunlight for heating naturally. About 7 months ago I had a eureka moment while reading War Against The Weak by Edwin Black. It occurred to me that I could simultaneously do my part to help President Obama boost the national economy, if only in a small way, as well as help to feed and house the homeless of America, and heat my home in a revolutionary and renewable way. I travelled around the local metropolis close to where I live and gathered up about a two dozen homeless men and about a half dozen homeless women to come back with me to my palatial home in the country. It was quite easy as what I offered besides a turkey leg each and 5 dollars was the proposal of a warm night’s sleep indoors and more food. In my house I have installed a subfloor heating system using a similar concept to radiant floor heating. Along my hallways and in every room I have installed just under the floor 6 foot long by 3 foot wide by 3 foot deep insulated compartments with a solid venting cover covering them that is level with my Bolivian hardwood flooring. Once arriving at my home with the riff raff they are treated to a sumptuous meal prepared by my cooking staff to include the following: roasted baby pig, veal, chicken parmesan, caeser salad, roasted sweet potatoes, clam chowder, and for desert there is pecan pie and lemon meringue pie for those with nut allergies. I also brought out four bottles of rather tasty Chardonnay laced with ample amounts of horse sedative. After about an hour all 30 of them are semi-comatose. I have them thoroughly cleaned by my staff to eliminate any smells and coated them in delousing powder. Then one bum is placed in each of the compartments throughout the house and chained to the bottom. As we all know humans, on average, produce and radiate approximately 250 BTU’s of body heat while sleeping and 400 BTU’s while awake and potentially even more depending on metabolism rates. If I want to “turn up the thermostat” I literally turn up a thermostat on the wall that determines what dosage of adrenaline to inject into the room’s human heating units. This injection wakes them up a little to a lot depending on how much more heat I need them to produce. Now, obviously 250-400 BTU’s is not an overly significant amount of heat but like most environmentalists I am not totally committed to the cause I just want to be able to say “I’m doing my part.” Plus, have you ever been in a small room with 4 to 5 people and it starts to get hotter and hotter in there until someone says open a window? There’s something to be said about the power of the human body to produce warmth. Now, of course, my system isn’t perfect. It’s more of a prototype than anything. I still have the occasional problem with the bum heaters where they go bat shit crazy inside their little compartment for whatever reason, whether it be the limited food supply to keep them alive, the constant sedation, claustrophobia of being in a box in some one’s subfloor, you know, whatever it might be. I have had to make some modifications to account for the cleaning of fecal matter and body odor on a daily basis as well. This has been solved by using a bleach and water flushing of the compartment which handles the problem quite well. As G.K. Chesterton once opposed the British Eugenicists in the 1920’s for their attempts to sterilize and eradicate the “feeble minded” and “inadequate” members of society to make way for those of more intelligent and “worthy” stock; I propose a different approach. I don’t want to eliminate those members from our society; I want them to flourish. They could usher in a new era of renewable resource to rival even that of the big oil companies. The environmentalist of the future would have found their new triumphant energy source and the greedy oil companies would be banished from this earth never to pollute and take advantage again.
