UNI-PEDE RECYCLER

As a fervent and almost militant environmentalist, I always strive to not only create awareness but demonstrate new ideas to inspire others.  I have been carrying some extra body fat lately that I wanted to lose.  While watching the movie The Human Centipede I came up with a brilliant idea.  The idea would not only help me lose the excess weight but would be a bold and innovative way of demonstrating environmental consciousness through recycling.  For two weeks I would attach myself to myself, ass to mouth.  I would become a Human Uni-pede or Solo-pede as it’s called in Brazil.  I’d look kind of like those bugs in the M.C. Escher drawing.  This would serve two purposes.  First, I would maximize my body’s ability to absorb the most nutrients possible from each meal.  25% of food’s  nutrients are typically not absorbed by the body and are simply wasted down the toilet.  I would be able to, through re-digesting my own waste, absorb up to 98 % of nutrients from each meal.  Let’s see those kids in Ethiopia be THAT efficient with their UNICEF meal rations.  That’s where the second benefit comes in.  It would raise awareness of world hunger and the need for recycling.  Hell, those skinny kids with flies around their heads on T.V. would be made a thing of the past if they all just went Uni-pede.  I plan on getting surgically connected to my own asshole in the near future.  I have some preparations to take care of first, however.  I need to get a LASER hair removal on my genitals so I don’t have a pubic goatee.  I, especially, need to have my ass hair and anal rim pubes zapped since my lips will be grafted to my sphincter.   I will also need to accustomize myself to taking my food through a tube up my nose that drains into my stomach since my mouth will be rendered inoperative.  I am also starting yoga classes to limber up.  In the position my body will be in it will require not only extreme flexibility but if I expect to be mobile I’ll need to learn to walk on my hands since my legs will be kicked up over my shoulders to facilitate mouth/ass contact.  I’ll keep you updated on the progress.  Rusty, out.