PETRIFIED PIMPIN'

Lately, I have let you in on some of my business ventures (TECHNICOLOR MIDGETS 20AUG2011, SOPHISTICATED CANNIBALISM 31OCT2011, PROFESSIONAL QUADRIPLEGIC CAT JACKER 22OCT2011, etc.) around the world that help keep me so rich.  I tend to fund the more unusual and odd ventures so that I can capitalize on unknown and untapped markets for making money.  My latest money making scheme involves becoming a partial financier in the Chicago, IL. (U.S.), Milwaukee, WI. (U.S.) and Madrid, Spain pimping circuits.  I have always admired pimps for their work ethic.  It’s not easy to regulate and manage multiple “bitches and/or hoes” while simultaneously ensuring that bitches “betta have yo’ money” as is so eloquently stated in the pimpin trade (or in Madrid, “Las Perras deben tener mi dinero.”  The problem with the standard pimping circuit is that the game is played out.  Macs gotta stretch their legs and bitches just ain’t the same bitches no moh.  So, I gathered together a few of my pimp associates and we hashed out a plan to develop a new and unexplored market; an untapped resource if you will.  We are going to tap the vast necrophiliac underground.  Those members of society who have been shunned or even arrested because they want to fuck dead women, guys, goats, muskrats, road kill, ducks, whatever, as long as it’s deceased… will have an outlet for their pent up sexual desires.  Why should you have to settle for cheating on your wife with a whore who’s heart’s still beating!  I say, that’s unfair, and to be honest, it’s borderline lifest….that’s right, I said it,  LIFEST.  So what if you’re dead, should you be discriminated against by the living for who you are?! Hell no!  Sorry I’m getting off on a tangent.  I just get a little worked up because as you know I used to date and almost married a zombie chick once (MY ZOMBIE LATINA, 10OCT2011), so you can imagine I have a soft spot for the dead.    Well, as this plan is still in the works and I don’t want to be trumped by some other necrophiliac pimp entrepreneur this is where I’ll leave this discussion until the follow up post. Keep that pimp hand strong!

BUM BODY HEATERS

As you all know I am quite the environmentalist.  I feel strongly that all of us should do our part to help preserve our planet by finding renewable and low impact ways to sustain ourselves for the benefit of all.  I was researching ways of heating my home recently.  I looked at solar power, solar steam generating systems, geothermal, and even considered restructuring portions of my home so as capture the most sunlight for heating naturally.  About 7 months ago I had a eureka moment while reading War Against The Weak by Edwin Black.  It occurred to me that I could simultaneously do my part to help President Obama boost the national economy, if only in a small way, as well as help to feed and house the homeless of America, and heat my home in a revolutionary and renewable way.  I travelled around the local metropolis close to where I live and gathered up about a two dozen homeless men and about a half dozen homeless women to come back with me to my palatial home in the country.  It was quite easy as what I offered besides a turkey leg each and 5 dollars was the proposal of a warm night’s sleep indoors and more food.  In my house I have installed a subfloor heating system using a similar concept to radiant floor heating.  Along my hallways and in every room I have installed just under the floor 6 foot long by 3 foot wide by 3 foot deep insulated compartments with a solid venting cover covering them that is level with my Bolivian hardwood flooring.    Once arriving at my home with the riff raff they are treated to a sumptuous meal prepared by my cooking staff to include the following: roasted baby pig, veal, chicken parmesan, caeser salad, roasted sweet potatoes, clam chowder, and for desert there is pecan pie and lemon meringue pie for those with nut allergies.  I also brought out four bottles of rather tasty Chardonnay laced with ample amounts of horse sedative.  After about an hour all 30 of them are semi-comatose.  I have them thoroughly cleaned by my staff to eliminate any smells and coated them in delousing powder.  Then one bum is placed in each of the compartments throughout the house and chained to the bottom.  As we all know humans, on average, produce and radiate approximately 250 BTU’s of body heat while sleeping and 400 BTU’s while awake and potentially even more depending on metabolism rates.   If I want to “turn up the thermostat” I literally turn up a thermostat on the wall that determines what dosage of adrenaline to inject into the room’s human heating units.  This injection wakes them up a little to a lot depending on how much more heat I need them to produce.  Now, obviously 250-400 BTU’s is not an overly significant amount of heat but like most environmentalists I am not totally committed to the cause I just want to be able to say “I’m doing my part.”  Plus, have you ever been in a small room with 4 to 5 people and it starts to get hotter and hotter in there until someone says open a window?  There’s something to be said about the power of the human body to produce warmth.  Now, of course, my system isn’t perfect.  It’s more of a prototype than anything.  I still have the occasional problem with the bum heaters where they go bat shit crazy inside their little compartment for whatever reason, whether it be the limited food supply to keep them alive, the constant sedation, claustrophobia of being in a box in some one’s subfloor, you know, whatever it might be.  I have had to make some modifications to account for the cleaning of fecal matter and body odor on a daily basis as well.  This has been solved by using a bleach and water flushing of the compartment which handles the problem quite well.  As G.K. Chesterton once opposed the British Eugenicists in the 1920’s for their attempts to sterilize and eradicate the “feeble minded” and “inadequate” members of society to make way for those of more intelligent and “worthy” stock; I propose a different approach.  I don’t want to eliminate those members from our society; I want them to flourish.  They could usher in a new era of renewable resource to rival even that of the big oil companies.  The environmentalist of the future would have found their new triumphant energy source and the greedy oil companies would be banished from this earth never to pollute and take advantage again.  

CENTENARIAN NARCO LORDS

An underground epidemic is occurring that few, if any, people know about.  It involves an insidiously addictive new drug, if you can call it that, which makes the crack epidemic of the 1980’s look like a frat house rufee party for naïve freshman college girls.  The most prevalent targets of these addicts are older men; the older the better.  The most prized of that demographic are the centenarians (those who have reached 100 years or above in age), and of those the most rare and highly prized are the super centenarians (humans having reach 110 years of age or older).  Many elderly men, believe it or not, are facilitators of these addicts, and thus the catalysts for the rapid up-tick in addiction cases and violent crimes related to it.  What is this new drug that is sweeping the Nation?  If you’ve ever heard the joke “He’s so old that when he busts-a-nut, powder comes out!”, then you’re more apt than most to understand the dilemma.  No one quite knows where it started but the urban myth runs along the lines of those propogated about the AIDS virus.  For AIDS it was a “known fact” that a gay guy went to Africa, fucked a monkey that was infected with the virus, travelled back to the United States thus unleashing that plague upon everyone….thanks gay guy.   Similarly, the gay community has “allegedly” contributed to this scourge that has befallen us as well.  The urban myth goes that in a public bathroom in San Francisco one of the stalls had a hole drilled into the wall of it.  This modification of course instantly converts it into a GLORY HOLE room.  One day a young gay man, or straight man looking to validate his heterosexuality (see Post THE UNGAY BOYS, 9SEP2011), goes into the glory hole stall.  A centenarian of 105 years old is in the stall next to him and inserts his penis through the hole.  After 10 solid minutes the elderly mystery man’s cock is fully fellatiated and he ejaculates.   Rather than a gelatinous mass permeated with spermatozoa the young man gets a mouth full poof of powderized man fertilizer.  What, until that day in San Francisco, had yet to be discovered by the gay community, or heterosexuality curious community, is that powderized ejaculate creates an extremely euphoric effect in humans.  Scientists do not yet know why powdered jizz has such a potent narcotic nature whereas normal gelatinous cum does nothing.  The euphoric feeling is on par with or better than that of heroine, and the ultimate benefit is that it is, in theory, free.    The demand for old man ejaculate shot through the roof.  Highly addicted jizzheads began raiding retirement communities, nursing homes, bingo parlors, and VFW’s everywhere.   Old men were being sucked off left and right.  The fact that elderly men were likely to be on a fixed income did not help the situation as they were more and more likely to bust powdery nuts into young men’s mouths for extra cash.  So many old men were being fellatio’d that they, literally, began running dry, no pun intended.  So these young men began experimenting with other methods such as taking raw ejaculate from younger men, putting it in a spoon, heating it until it crystallized and then sniffing it.  It worked, but as far as sniffing jizz goes it was the equivalent of smoking skunk weed vs. some sweet sticky-icky Kine bud.   It just isn’t as good.   This significant desire for “the older the berry the sweeter the jizz” product has created the equivalent of narco-bosses out of some super-centenarians.  They have harems of the oldest fucks imaginable hopped up on cocktails of rufees (to keep them sedated) and Viagra (to keep them hard and producing).  These super-centenarian drug lords milk their centenarian and sub-centenarian captives like cattle creating mounds of powderized ejaculate that sells for millions of dollars.  The reason you haven’t heard of this is because who the fuck would be believe there are 110+ year old Scar Faces out there with Narco Sperm Empires.  It’s usually dismissed as just another gay slander against elderly homosexuals and nothing more is said about it.   I just wanted to make you all aware of it so your children, homosexual or not, do not succumb to this epidemic. 

After Thought: Seeing as how everyone is looking for the next big high because the government keeps making everything except the pharmaceuticals they're selling illegal, it's actually pretty amazing that it took this long for people to figure out that powderized jizz gets you lifted.  I suppose prior to this discovery the only things you did with jizz were swallow, spit, or dodge it.  So, maybe it's not such a surprise it took this long after all.

HAPPY HOLOCAUST

With Thanksgiving coming up soon I always get revved up for the mass slaughter of turkeys that occurs each year.  Despite PETA’s best efforts American’s blood lust for this fat ass bird is limitless.  Do you know why?  Cause they taste fucking delicious! What? Did you expect me to say something else?  I have, however, noticed that the swine is making an increasing dent in the table toppings year by year.  I see more and more honey hams as the main dish all by itself, and this encroachment got me thinking.  I contacted the ASPCA (The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) for information on some of the most prevalent animals species found and neglected.   Assuming I was interested in volunteer work or something they eagerly ran down the list of the creatures.  Obviously, dogs and cats were at the top as they are a common feral animal.  They are followed by gerbils (tossed after anal sex I’d imagine), birds (when you run out of bird seed to sprinkle on your balls), snakes (same reason as gerbils), iguanas (when you run out of crickets for it to eat off your balls), and so on.  After getting that list I teamed up with my buddy Derrick who has one of those big ass barbecue pits on wheels that he tows behind his truck and sells awesome BBQ at sports events, festivals, etc.  I handed him a basket full of puppies that I had recently adopted from the kennel for free, as they were about to be euthanized.  You see, if you grab them up within 2 hours of their execution time you get them for free, whereas if you are too early you gotta pay all those bullshit fees and fill out shitloads of paperwork.  The kennel looks at it from a cost savings perspective.  They figure the animal was a goner anyway and this way they don’t have to pay for the injection, disposal, and associated man hours expended.  So anyways, I said to Derrick “Bro, you make some amazing BBQ out of pork, chicken, steak, etc., but if I were to have you cook up these dogs could you make them just as good?”  Derrick responded with “Shit son! I love dog!  In fact I cooked up a whole German shepherd last week and fed it to these yahoos at a soccer game and they loved that shit.  I’ve got an entire underground market for unorthodox BBQ.  Why what’s up?”  I told him that my plan was to curb the yearly holocaust of the turkey and swine by introducing the forgotten other white meat in this country; the neglected feral animals and house pets.   I said all it would take would be a campaign to convince the American people that a basket full of warm gerbils was just as delicious as, and easier to distribute than, carving a cumbersome turkey or ham.  A plate full of snakes makes better sandwiches for the kids for the rest of the week as leftovers than a turkey ever could.  If Edward Bernays could dupe the American public into believing “bacon and eggs” was a hearty/healthy breakfast to help the pork industry sell more bacon in 1920’s, then I will create my own catch phrase by replacing it with “kitty and eggs”, or Thanksgiving Golden Retriever.  If you’re good at BBQ, you can make a cow patty taste like hickory flavored heaven, and sell like hotcakes.  Some may say that I’m just swapping one species for another and that soon it’ll just be a holocaust for some other creatures.  For one, the turkey and swine are mass bred for feeding.  These creatures aren’t roaming around whilly nilly cat calling on a fence because somebody was allergic to them or gasping for air out some guys asshole cause he likes it when gerbils squirm; they are kept in a confined area before being hacked up with surgical precision and efficiency.  In addition, the continued breeding of these turkeys and swine has to be thinning out their DNA pool leaving a massive amount of inbred and retarded turkeys that you are eating, probably resulting in your own retardation.  Secondly, I am doing a public service by cleaning up the streets of unwanted animals that might get adopted, but would more than likely get the gas chamber.  So, you’re welcome.  It’s like hunting.  They have a hunting season so that the deer population doesn’t explode and every ¼ mile that you drive you and your baby are risking head first-ing it through the windshield cause they are like flies on Haitian kid’s dick.  My holocaust of the unwanted house pets and strays is one of mercy and bounty.  Mercy for them to alleviate their suffering and bounty because millions of citizens will have warm, gravy smothered hamsters, gerbils, cats, dogs, snakes, mongooses, rabbits,  and goldfishes to eat.  So if you start seeing commercials with happy smiling children chowing down on cranberry sauce and calico kittens just know that it’s for a good cause.  It’s okay….they’re delicious.  I promise. 

ARCHIPELAGO OF ASSHOLES

I do a little freelance proctology on the weekends to help out my local community.  After all, there were approx. 240,000 new cases of prostate cancer and 33,000 deaths in 2011, so you can’t be too safe.  It is usually a pretty simple procedure.  If you’ve ever been in the military you’ve had a finger up your ass, involuntarily, at least once.  For those of you that haven’t; allow me to explain.  I have a van that says “Check your butt for the cure” which, I admit, is a tasteless knockoff of the breast cancer organization Susan G. Komen for the Cure, but it gets people’s attention.  Instead of pink my colors are, obviously, brown which makes for a more fashionably conscious clothing and apparel line, along with the obvious promotional benefits.  I mean . . . pepto bismol pink, while certainly bringing notice to the cause of breast cancer, isn’t exactly a color that goes well with your Dolce and Gabbana handbag.  My prostate cancer brown color promotes butt cancer AND looks awesome with the entire Calvin Klein fall men’s clothing line.  So, anyway, I drive my van around to art shows, state fairs, rodeos, jazz festivals, etc., and stick a finger up people’s asses for their health.  I do it completely free and only ask for donations so I can recoup some of my fuel, latex glove, and lubricant expenses.  Normally, it’s the same ol’ same ol’:  Poop stained buttholes, bleached porn star buttholes, cow-sized buttholes, perky virgin buttholes, old man hemorrhoidal buttholes, etc.  Last week, however, I was at a free concert called “The Masculine Man’s Music Festival” which was promoted by this team of guy’s who called themselves the UNGAY BOYS (Post: UNGAY BOYS, SEP 9,2011), and got quite a shock with this one customer.  I remember that I was swamped that day.  I was fingering assholes left and right and couldn’t understand why I was so damn popular at that festival, when this one guy named Rudolfo came in.  He must have had a family history of prostate cancer and was probably very nervous about it because he eagerly pulled his pants down right when he walked in.   I was taken aback when he turned around and bent over for me to check his prostate because he had some unusual anatomy.  He had not one asshole as you or I might, but 14 individual and separate anuses.  He had an archipelago of assholes.  If you were looking at map of the Hawaiian or Indonesian islands archipelago and replaced the islands with assholes that’s what it looked like in between his butt cheeks.  The assholes started just behind his balls and were peppered up the length of his ass crack going as high as, and ending at, the very lowest portion of his back.  It was quite breathtaking.  I asked him if he had multiple intestines that supplied each anus.  He told me that he defecates from the same large intestine except that at the very end of the intestine it splits into 14 separate anal cavities.  He told me that he’s really popular at gay pride parade after parties.  I chit chatted with him for a little bit and then decided it was time to get down to business.  I am happy to say that Rudolfo, and his 14 anal cavities are free of prostate cancer.  That day at the Masculine Man’s Music Festival,  I had had my work cut out for me, particularly, with Rudolfo, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  

THE HIGHEST FIVE

I used to hate high fiving people but lately I’ve seen a resurgence of this multi use practice and I want back on the band wagon.  I say “multi-use” because if you think about it, high fiving is so versatile.  You can use it as a greeting, a congratulations, a celebratory action, a way to make a fool of someone as in “high five, down low, too slow”,  and even as a hip performance as in high fiving in the front as you walk by someone and then following with a reverse low five just as you pass.  The most awesome thing about high fives is that you don’t even need a cooperative or even aware partner for a high five.  I was at the trial for a murderer, as a witness, last month.  When he stood up and the bailiff told him to raise his right hand to swear his oath I leapt over the table towards him.  I managed to steal a free high five on his raised right hand before the bailiff pepper sprayed and beat me unconscious with his baton.  The verdict on court room oath high fives?  Totally worth it!  As if that wasn’t awesome enough I went to a neo Nazi rally I heard about on AryanNations.org.  I was drunk with ecstasy when everyone “Heiled Hitler”.  Let’s just say that when I woke up in the hospital a week later the only thing that hurt more than my broken jaw and crushed testicle, was the bruise on my hand from all those involuntary high fives I stole!  I can’t, however, say the same for the Black Panthers rally that I went to because you can’t high five a raised fist.  So, I didn’t get any high fives there, but I did, however, get my first gunshot wound in my left ass cheek, so that’s pretty cool.  I’ve been going crazy lately.  I’ve been slapping fives at auctions when they raise their hands; whacking the shit out of those little smarty nerds in elementary school classes that know the answers; getting some mid range fives from dirty bums with their hands out for change; people hailing cabs, and sailor’s wives on the pier as their husband’s ships sail away on deployment.  In fact, I’ve high fived so many times in the last month that I’ve developed quite the callus on my palm.  So much so that I could give a hand job to a running chainsaw and probably not feel it.  Despite the rough hands I plan on continuing in my palm punishing quest.  The more high fives I give, the more it catches on and therefore the more high fives I get.  It’s a perpetual motion machine of high fives and I’m right in the middle of it.

SOPHISTICATED CANNIBALISM

Ever wonder where the bio waste from hospitals goes?  You know, snipped umbilical cords, liposuction fat, unusable severed limbs, removed organs, etc.   Would you believe me if I told you that cannibalism isn’t JUST for the Congo anymore or practiced in some remote village in the Amazon rain forest, but that it is practiced, openly, in upscale places like Manhattan and Los Angeles?  Yeah right, you say?  Well, I have a cousin named Tristan who so happens to be a facilitator of this bourgeoisie taste of the unwashed masses.   You see, most hospitals have an incinerator somewhere on the premises to dispose of bio waste and material in a safe and efficient manner.  If the hospital is not equipped with an incinerator or that method of disposal isn’t economical they hire companies like Tristan’s to make sure it’s taken care of.  So when Grandma gets a heart transplant and doesn’t need the old faulty one, the star high school football player gets his legs ripped off in a car accident and can’t reattach them, or little Timmy loses three fingers because he thought the pit bull was just like his aunt’s cute Pomeranian, that’s Tristan’s bread and butter.  My cousin is very well connected in New York and particularly in Manhattan.  So much so, that you know how your driver’s license says whether you are an organ donor or not?  When you roll into the hospital near death but potentially recoverable, do you really think, with the back log of patients waiting for heart, liver, spleen, kidney and penis transplants that your philanthropic ass stands a chance of surviving?  Or with Tristan getting his percentage, having paid off the hospital staff already,  that you won’t end up on a dinner plate on the Upper West Side?  Get real brother, you’re fucked.  Even if you didn’t put organ donor on your license you may still be doomed.  Do you honestly believe that if Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter is dying of heart failure and needs one, that your plug won’t get pulled so they can send your iced up blood pump hurdling across the country by jet into the warm hands of John Liebawitz, M.D.?  Once again; get real brother, you’re fucked.  Anyways, back to Tristan.  So, when Tristan gets the body parts, blood bags, liposuction fat bags, etc., he takes them to his warehouse where he catalogs and stores them.  He checks his status board which has the various restaurant’s requests and orders on it and when they will need those particular items.  After that he gets in his truck and distributes the people pieces as ordered.  He always does curbside service and the chefs love him for it.  They get some of the freshest stuff anywhere because of Tristan’s impeccable timing, efficiency, and careful packaging.   Timmy, the pitbull petter’s fingers become a delicious pate to be spread on batter fried leg skin crackers.  It's finger food; literally.  Grandma’s heart is ground in a meat grinder, mixed with a red wine and cranberry vinaigrette reduction then packed in between two sheets of egg pasta to make ravioli.  The grandma heart ravioli is then covered in a cheese sauce and diced portabella mushrooms.  Mmmmm… That sounds fucking good, doesn’t it?  What about Mr. All Star quarterback who won’t be doing the LMFAO shuffle any time soon, you ask?  Well his legs got diced into 1 inch cubes and added to the Guinness beef stew to be served with a side of carrot soup and Irish soda bread.  It’s a really hardy meal that even Mr. All Star might say, after eating it, that it was worth losing the legs over.  Look…. I know what you’re saying to yourself right now; “what the…fuck?”.   Remember when you’re Mom used to tell you not to waste those nasty bits of soggy broccoli on your plate because there were starving kids in Somalia, Ethiopia or [insert destitute cholera ridden country]?  Tristan and the cannibal chefs of Manhattan are the solution to that problem; they make delicious food out of a perfectly good and often wasted product.  So next time you shutter at the thought of cannibals dining amongst you, think about the contribution your body parts could make to the culinary world.  You’re saying that you can’t spare a finger or two for the starving socialites of New York City?  Well, aren’t you the selfish one…?

In case you were curious:

Bourgeoisie- The upper crust of a society; that privileged class

The Great Unwashed Masses- You, me and everyone else in society that gets their lives dictated to and are apparently too stupid and undereducated to think for themselves and control their own actions and must be controlled.

LMFAO- are these guys:   http://youtu.be/KQ6zr6kCPj8

PANDEMIC TEAM MASCOTS

I was thinking, the other day, about sports team mascots.  I’d imagine their primary purpose, other than a rallying figure, is to invoke some sort of fear in the competition or to intimidate.  Here are some examples of fearsome sports mascots that just by their very nature, reputation, or look could/should, at least subliminally, induce anxiety in the opposition: 

UC-Irvine Anteaters- may not seem intimidating but think about the wholesale mass slaughter of ants by the 1000’s every time it eats.

Sandiego State University Aztecs- Ripping hearts out of motherfuckers for sacrificial ceremonies I think qualifies as intimidating

Valparaiso University Crusaders- Whoopin’ ass all over Mesopotamia to preserve the faith.

Toronto Raptors- Cause everyone saw what happened to the cow that got lowered into the Raptor cage, as a snack, in Jurassic Park, plus with those talons the raptors, as a species, are phenomenal at basketball.

Watford Football Club Hornets- Can you say anaphylactic shock!  If you’re allergic and hornets come after you, you’re fucked.

Now, I realize that’s just a cunt hair’s worth of examples but I don’t have all day and you get where I’m going with this.  So what if you’re mascot IS NOT bad ass, or is NOT intimidating.  Don’t you think that plays a factor in the team’s and fan’s self confidence and thus, in turn, their chances of winning?  For those lame ass mascots I propose to give them an upgrade.  If you’re goal is to imply that you’re sports team’s intent is to go Mortal Kombat on the opponent and rip their fucking head off or outright kill them then here is my idea.  Use diseases, bacteria, amoebas, etc.  What’s more terrifying than Cholera? How about Malaria or Typhoid? Shit, instead of being called the Nebraska State Corn Huskers, they’d now be the Nebraska State Bubonics.  I mean, the bubonic plague killed upwards of 75 million people in the 14^th century alone, tell me that won’t get your rivals shaking in their boots.   I could go on forever:  Tennessee State tapeworms; the Alabama State Auto Immune Deficiency Syndromes; The New Jersey State Necrotizing Fasciitis’.  If I were to name a newly emerging team I’m pretty sure I’d go straight for devastating diseases.  My team’s intent would be clearly understood by the rival.  You can shoot a bear or an eagle or a corn husker but you better have some serious antibiotics on hand to stop me motherfucker! Even then, I may be an antibiotics resistant strain and then you’d really be fucked.   

BABIES EATING BABIES

 I just gave my baby daughter some eggs this morning for the first time.  As she was eating them I thought about how odd that situation was.  If you think about it, my baby was eating another species’ baby.  Now that wouldn’t be considered cannibalism as that is human on human dining.  I suppose it’d be closer to infanticide than anything, except that my daughter didn’t kill the other baby, my wife did; on the frying pan.  Hmmmm.. . I’ll have to think about that one a little more and get back to you cause I’m at a loss.  If you have any ideas please feel free to comment. 

TAMPON ANNIHILATOR

As you all know, in the beginning of September my brother Dusty cut his own dick off.  Luckily, his wife found him bleeding out on the bed and got him to the E.R.  They replaced his genitalia with a pneumatic penile assembly and saved his life and sex life, as he was quite lack luster in the bed to begin with.  The details of all this are in my post “Pneumatic Erotica 2” from September 12^th.   So anyways, it’s actually pretty lucky for him that he got that new pneumatic penis assembly but at the same time it’s a double edged sword of sorts for his wife.  You see, his wife, Susie, has a hereditary condition called vaginal hyperdontia.  Now, regular hyperdontia is the condition of having supernumerary teeth, or teeth which appear in addition to the regular number of teeth (an extra growth of teeth in your mouth).  So VAGINAL hyperdontia basically translates to her having teeth in her vagina.  Now don’t scrunch your eye brows together in confusion.  What you’re thinking right now is correct.  She has what equates to a mouth pussy.  Not the scary kind of mouth pussy with fangs or K-9 teeth or something like that, they’re more like molars.  She has 10 vagimolars total; five on each side of her vaginal wall.  The problem Dusty has always had is that when he had intercourse it was like getting a blowjob from a girl who’s never done it before and lets too many of her teeth touch your penis shaft.  So imagine pounding a vagina full of teeth.  Not the most comfortable thing but I suppose after awhile you’d build up a callus on your dick so vagimolars didn’t rip your shit apart.  That turned out to be the case, Dusty told me.  His penile skin had the consistency of a cowboy’s leather saddle to handle the constant rubbing and scraping of the pussy teeth.  The problem, now, is that with Dusty having a pneumatic penis, his dick is harder than his wife’s vaginal teeth and his penis is now wearing them down.  She has had to have several vagimolars extracted as they’d been worn down to the root and were causing her severe pain.  If you’ve ever had your wisdom teeth removed you know that it may not be painful because of the numbing shots but it’s a bloody and gruesome event.  A dental surgeon and a gynecologist had to be called in to remove her first 4 vaginal molars.  They performed it in much the same way as you would for wisdom teeth using pliers, chisels, and various other medieval devices to shatter, crunch, and extract the teeth.  By the time the fourth tooth was pulled it looked like she’d been fucked with a chainsaw.  So, after multiple surgeries Dusty’s wife is now down to only 2 vagina teeth, one on either side.   Dusty and Susie are much happier now.   Susie is also grateful because now she can start wearing tampons again.  She couldn’t before because her pussy mouth would tear them to shreds.  When she was a young college student she’d perform tricks at her local bar on Friday nights for free drinks by chewing up whole Maxi Pads with her Clam.  The difficulty was when it wasn’t time to show off it would still act up.  In math class, her pussy ate the crotch out of her brand new Levi jeans.  On a trip to Myrtle Beach it swallowed her bikini bottom, completely, leaving her suddenly naked on the bottom.  Finally, she’ll never forgive herself, or rather her vagina mouth, for severing the tongue off of that poor sophomore kid who just wanted to give her some head.  Susie is grateful that her final surgery for those last two teeth is this next week.  I have high hopes for those two love birds; with Dusty’s pneumatic cock and Susie’s newly tooth-free pussy there’s nothing those two can’t overcome.    

PROFESSIONAL QUADRIPLEGIC CAT JACKER

As you all know I have five cats.  My goal was to have six because that is the lagrangian point between the two sides of being the crazy cat lady (or guy in my case).  If you go to a party and say you have five or seven cats people look at you crazy, yet, if you say you have a “half-dozen cats”; now you’re trendy and everyone wants to get to know you.  As I am a cat enthusiast, I always fantasized about being a rare cat breeder.  One of the most expensive cats is the Asher cat that goes for about $28,000.   I would need to have a viable cat for breeding and selling the babies to make my money back and then a surplus.  I wouldn’t want to be in the hole for 28K just because of a cat; it’s an investment.  You figure you sell the baby Asher cats for $7,000 a piece (which is a steal by the way) and in one litter you’ve broken even.  So about a year ago I went and bought my Asher using the money I got by selling my wife to a Saudi Arabian sheik.  I’ll tell you what; I had tears in my eyes cause this cat was so gorgeous.  I mean, if I was a cat; I’d fuck that cat.  Hell, I’m a human and I wanna fuck that cat cause it’s so bad ass!  Anyways, so I immediately started looking around for someone with a female Asher cat that I could mate my male cat Roscoe with.  Despite the Asher breed being very rare I lucked out and found a woman in Madagascar with a female Asher.  We exchanged information and she was going to buy a ticket to meet in a central location, like France, to let the two cats bump uglies, when a tragedy happened.  I was doing the dishes and had turned on the garbage disposal to chew up the refuse that had collected in the drain.  I always carry a laser light pen in my left pocket for fun time with Roscoe.  The laser pen fell out of my shirt pocket and into the drain while the disposal was going.  The laser light pen was shooting dots all over the ceiling wildly as the pen was being tossed and mangled inside the disposal.  Roscoe, of course, went crazy chasing it and leaped into the air to get the dots that were peppering the overhead like machine gun fire.  While he was hovering in the air over the sink in mid leap, the pen had reached its failing point in the blades of the disposal.  It exploded and laser pen shrapnel came flying out of the sink drain.  I was hit just under my right eye with little injury, but Roscoe wasn’t so lucky.  He took a pen shard to his neck and fell to the ground paralyzed and near death.  A year later, Roscoe is fine but still unable to use any of his limbs and his little cat penis is completely flaccid.  So, even if I wanted to breed him with a female he not only couldn’t mount the other cat, but he wouldn’t even be able to “get it in”.  I sat there deep in debt due to the initial purchase of Roscoe and the subsequent money spent on surgeries after the spinal injury.  I realized what I would have to do.  I needed to jack this cat off.  The problem is that, well, I’m a working man.  My hands are too rough and tough; I’d just end up ripping poor Roscoe’s dick off mid stroke.  I needed someone with dexterous hands, someone that could jack this cat off not too hard, but not too soft.  I also remembered how fast cats fuck.  They are like jack rabbits.  So now I needed someone who had hand dexterity AND speed.  Hmmmmm…. I KNOW!! A violinist! That’s it! They’re perfect for it.  If you’ve ever heard a violinist play Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Flight of the Bumblebee” you’ll understand why they are ideal cat masturbators.  So I hired Guinness World Record holder David Garrett to be that man.  I now have David milk Roscoe for his white man syrup about every week.  Once I have the tomcat juice I use a taxidermy stuffed Serval cat set in the mounting position to act as Roscoe’s stand in.  In the stuffed cat’s penis I have inserted an injection nozzle which I fill through a hole in its rear end.  Then I bang the shit out the female Asher cats with the stuffed cat busting a nut at the precise moment and voila!  Cat impregnation!  I’m happy, David Garrett is happy, and Roscoe is definitely happy.  It’s a win, win, win situation.

Side Note: The use of "Lagrangian point" isn't exactly correct as it is used in physics to describe the gravitational equilibrium points within the Earth, Moon, and Sun system where if they were out of those spots would potentially start being pulled in towards one another.  I use it, loosely, to describe the equilibrium point in between the two social outcast boundaries of cat lady/guy status.  If you care.

MY ZOMBIE LATINA

When I was 20 years old I met this girl named Lucia.  She was a beautiful and witty Latina girl full of energy and spunk.  We used to go out together all the time as friends and eventually started dating.  Things got pretty serious and we really started to think about our future together; even the possibility of marriage.  I remember we were coming close to our one year anniversary.  I had planned a cruise to the Bahamas and saved up for several months.  I bought the tickets and came home to surprise her.  When I got home early from work she was already there and in bed.  I asked her if she was feeling okay and she said she felt like she was catching the flu and just wanted to rest.  Lucia didn’t look well at all.  She was pale, perspiring and just all around looked ill.  I let her sleep, and in the morning went to work again but didn’t wake her.  She seemed to be deep asleep and I figured she needed the rest.  When I got home that evening I smelled something putrid in the house.  It smelled like rotting trash or a dead animal.  I sniffed around and the smell was coming from the bedroom.  Finally, I came to the bedroom and Lucia was sitting upright in the bed staring out the window.  I said “Hey honey, I’m home.  How are you feeling? Do you smell that odor?  I think it’s coming from in here.”  She didn’t move.  So I went closer until I was within arms reach to tap her on the shoulder.  Just before I reached her she rapidly twisted around and leaped out of the bed at me.  Her eyes were black as coal and skin was deathly pale.  Reflexively, I grabbed her waist and threw her against the wall.  I immediately ran over and toppled the bedroom dresser on top of her to pin her down and then jumped on top to secure it.  At that moment while I was teetering on the cabinet with my girlfriend writhing, hissing and biting underneath I came to a realization.  My girlfriend was now a zombie!  A hot Latina zombie.  I chained her down to the bed post with a bike lock chain and a fuzzy handcuff set so that I could have some time to reevaluate our relationship.  “How do you break up with a zombie?”  I asked myself.  “I still have deep feelings for her though.  I don’t want to break up….maybe there’s a way I can make this work?”  I resolved at that point that this was just a small speed bump in the road of love.  Just as new couples have arguments and fights as they learn to adjust to each other’s quirks and habits they usually end up compromising.  Sticking it out in the relationship long enough to reach that point of compromise is what makes for a strong relationship.  A newly zombified girlfriend?  It’ll just take some getting used to.   

So, fast forward a few months and things actually fell into their own rhythm.  I’d lock her up in the closet in a dog cage with a few chicken wings and go to work for the day.  I’d come home and we’d hang out like any other loving couple.  I’d bring her out and strap her down to the recliner chair with ratchet down straps used for securing furniture to your truck bed.  I’d be in my chair and she in hers and we’d watch I Love Lucy, Jersey Shore or whatever.  I’d have popcorn and she’d have a puppy or gerbil that I either found or got from the kennel.  After awhile she looked a little thin so I started going out to gay bars on the weekends and getting guys drunk and bringing them home.  As they came into the door I’d throw a chloroform soaked rag over their mouth which usually did the trick.  They passed out and I’d roll them into the bedroom with Lucia so she could have a treat.  We were like two peas in a pod; Lucia and I.  I loved her and she loved me; in her own way. 

Now, every couple needs to get out of the house and spread their wings a little bit.  Occasionally, I’d rent a cabin on this large plot of land in the country and Lucia and I would go get some fresh air.  Of course I’d bring a cooler full of beer and sandwiches for me and a trunk full of chloroformed gay men for her.  The best part is we both got to stretch out and relax.  I’d take the guys out and lay them in the grass about 100 yards away from the cabin.  Lucia and I would be on the porch.  As the men started waking up and moving around, still groggy from the chloroform, I’d let Lucia off her chain.  She'd have so much fun chasing around after them and I got some quite time to read my book.  Everything was working out great until one day we came back from our cabin retreat and she got out of the car at a local gas station.  She ran out into the road and a semi truck plowed right into her.  Her body exploded into dozens of one pound chunks of flesh.  Whatever wasn’t stuck to the truck’s grill or had ricocheted off to the sides ended up as paste on the pavement.  The trucker got out in horror thinking he’d killed my girlfriend.  I told him not to worry about it; that she was my zombie girlfriend and was already dead anyway.  He breathed a sigh of relief, got back in his truck and drove off.  I shrugged my shoulders and realized, at the point, that I was just kidding myself trying to keep a relationship going with a zombie girl. 

INTERNET ANSWER FORUMS: THE YARDSTICK OF CIVILIZATION

Alright, I’m sure at some point in your life you’ve needed information about something and had to look it up on the internet.   Do you remember what you used to do before Google?  You’d ask your parents, go to the library and look it up or get advice from your friends that you trusted.  What do we have now?  We have Yahoo Answers, Google Answers, and all the other useless Answer forums out there.   Someone poses a question and a bunch of people post answers in response to that question.  The problem is that the majority of people that post are illiterate morons that throw up any baseless opinion as fact.   Here was the question posed, “Is distilled water better than sterilized water for your baby?”  Here are the responses:

IDIOT #1: “Oh shit, don’t use that distilled water shit, that shit’ll make yer kid go blind!”

ME: No it won’t retard.

IDIOT #2: “You should use regular tap water because it has fluoride in it and it’s good for your teeth.”

ME: Okay, maybe not for newborns and very young children and probably not in large doses but you're probably on the right track.  For those that say the flouride levels in tap water are bad for baby, it can’t be THAT bad.  I had tap water for everything when I was growing up and look at me, I’m sexy as fuck.  So,  this guy isn't really an idiot but I have a pattern going here so fuck off.  I’ll buy that answer…okay..moving on.

IDIOT #3: “You should never use tap water cause your kid’s IQ will rapidly drop and stay down!”

ME: I’m not making this shit up, I swear.  Okay, first off, you are off topic.  It’s sterilized verses distilled, but I understand you are probably responding to idiot #2, which you shouldn't have as IDIOT#2 is infinitely smarter than you are.  I imagine, by the ejaculated nature of your response about the tap water, that you are completely sure of your answer.  What I am positive of, however, is that you have not researched that in any way, and either heard it in passing, and because you’re a retard, took it as fact, or saw it on some bottled water commercial.  If the latter is the case you are an even bigger idiot as you, not only, do not research anything and take things at face value but you allow biased advertisements, whose job it is to dissuade you from tap water to make bottled water sound good, determine your decision making.  Do me and every other person in the country a favor and don’t vote in this next election.

IDIOT #4:  Sterilized water is better because they evaporate it and it condenses on the other end and is really pure because you don’t get the pollutants.

ME: First off, copy/pasting from Wikipedia doesn’t make it correct or you smart.  I thought for a moment that this person had a clue and had just accidentally added "sterilized water" in place of distilled water, which is what he is actually describing, but I don’t like his condescending tone, therefore…. MORON!!   

IDIOT #5: “You should use distilled water because the amount of plastic bottles that sterilized water comes in just ends up on our beaches and in our oceans, harming the environment.”

ME: So do the plastic bottles that distilled water comes in dipshit! Here’s a tip…..of a knife! Go kill yourself!

IDIOT#6:  “You shouldn’t use distilled water cause it can make your kids go blind.”

ME: Hey you illiterate fuck, didn’t you read IDIOT #1's response to the original question.  Way to propagate the myth that distilled water blinds children by the millions, you Fuck.  I guess the grocery stores haven’t caught onto that fact yet. It's terrifying that I could walk into the local supermarket right now and find a shelf with distilled water peppered amongst bottles of sterilized water!  HOLY SHIT! DO SOMETHING! You might grab the distilled water by accident as the only indicator is the sticker on the front that is pink for distilled and blue for sterilized!

IDIOT#7: “You should only get water that is from fresh sources like mountain streams, glacier water, or springs as it tastes better and is better for you.”

ME: IS IT NOW?  How bout municipal sources like triple filtered shit water from your toilet? Cause guess what? That’s where your “Glacial stream” water is coming from.  It’s just called GLACIAL STREAM, the fact that it says “Bottled in Detroit” should tell you something.  Besides, I’ll submit that municipal sources are better for you than your serine mountain stream.   So I’m drinking from a stream that at the top of the mountain deer, moose, owls, and sasquatches have all been pissing and shitting in.  That sasquatch shit water comes down off the mountain and flows into the stagnant algae filled pond that you siphon from.  Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t like Sasquatch piss so I think I’ll go with the over chlorinated, fluorinated and fifty times filtrated municipal water.

This isn’t even close to all of the responses but I figured I’d give you a sample.  It is my opinion that the Google,Yahoo, and other answer forums on the internet are the yardstick of civilization.  The better and more factually accurate responses on those answer forums; the more educated and competent our country’s citizens are becoming.  As for right now…..I think we’re fucked!