THE HIGHEST FIVE

I used to hate high fiving people but lately I’ve seen a resurgence of this multi use practice and I want back on the band wagon.  I say “multi-use” because if you think about it, high fiving is so versatile.  You can use it as a greeting, a congratulations, a celebratory action, a way to make a fool of someone as in “high five, down low, too slow”,  and even as a hip performance as in high fiving in the front as you walk by someone and then following with a reverse low five just as you pass.  The most awesome thing about high fives is that you don’t even need a cooperative or even aware partner for a high five.  I was at the trial for a murderer, as a witness, last month.  When he stood up and the bailiff told him to raise his right hand to swear his oath I leapt over the table towards him.  I managed to steal a free high five on his raised right hand before the bailiff pepper sprayed and beat me unconscious with his baton.  The verdict on court room oath high fives?  Totally worth it!  As if that wasn’t awesome enough I went to a neo Nazi rally I heard about on AryanNations.org.  I was drunk with ecstasy when everyone “Heiled Hitler”.  Let’s just say that when I woke up in the hospital a week later the only thing that hurt more than my broken jaw and crushed testicle, was the bruise on my hand from all those involuntary high fives I stole!  I can’t, however, say the same for the Black Panthers rally that I went to because you can’t high five a raised fist.  So, I didn’t get any high fives there, but I did, however, get my first gunshot wound in my left ass cheek, so that’s pretty cool.  I’ve been going crazy lately.  I’ve been slapping fives at auctions when they raise their hands; whacking the shit out of those little smarty nerds in elementary school classes that know the answers; getting some mid range fives from dirty bums with their hands out for change; people hailing cabs, and sailor’s wives on the pier as their husband’s ships sail away on deployment.  In fact, I’ve high fived so many times in the last month that I’ve developed quite the callus on my palm.  So much so that I could give a hand job to a running chainsaw and probably not feel it.  Despite the rough hands I plan on continuing in my palm punishing quest.  The more high fives I give, the more it catches on and therefore the more high fives I get.  It’s a perpetual motion machine of high fives and I’m right in the middle of it.

CUCKOO FOR CAT SHIT

There’s a lot of construction work going on in and around where I currently work.  They recently hit one of the sewer lines to our building, by accident.  This has left my fellow co-workers and I stuck with using Porta Potty’s for the foreseeable future.  In addition, it is hot as a cat’s cunt outside and the Porta Johns are becoming especially ripe as no one has changed them out in awhile.   Now, like most guys, I’m sure, or at least I hope, as I don’t want to be the only one out there, I take pride in the various places on this earth that I have masturbated.  In Bathrooms, in vehicles, in the forest, in a tool shed, up in a tree, in a McDonald’s deep freezer, etc.  The world is awash with my seed.  I’ll bet if you took a black light everywhere you went you’d be shocked at how much semen, not just mine, is on everything in this world.  Don’t look at me like that.  You don’t think that the mobile device in your hand right now, or the mouse you are moving has semen on it from the guy in the factory in Guangzhou, China that put it together?  You’re livin’ in a dream world, Neo. With the one child policy in China there is an imbalance of 120 boys born to every 100 girls (Schorn).  That means lots of guys that can look, but can’t touch; so they touch themselves instead; then your phone, mouse, or keyboard. So, since we all know you did NOT meticulously clean your phone when you purchased it; you now have a Chinese factory worker’s jizz on you, congratulations.  Back to what I was originally talking about; strange jack off locations.  So, I have a good view of the Stonehenge-like configuration of Porta Potties, from my office window, down there in the construction zone.  I say Stonehenge-like cause there are about ten shitters in a circle, facing outwards, I would assume it’s to facilitate maximum shitting efficiency from all angles of the worksite.  So, as I’m looking at the Potties I think to myself [ME1] “You know Rusty, you’ve never busted a nut in a Porta Potty before, have you?” [ME2] “No, Rusty, you know that’s right, I never have, good call.” [ME1] “Thanks, Rusty, shall we partake in a masturbatory session in the Porta Potty?” [ME2] “Oh, yes Rusty, that sounds delightful.”   So, I went down to the worksite, chose a suitable Shitter to utilize and shut the door.  I was immediately hit by the smell of blue Kool-Aid, gorgonzola cheese, burnt hair and of course shit.  Despite the smell, I whooped it out and started stroking, recalling women, animals, objects, etc., from my Jackabase (database from which you recall jack-offable pictures and/or scenarios).  Just before any images or scenarios had coalesced, in my mind for me to use, I looked down into the shit pit.  Down at the bottom, in a large pile, was a sunburst orange colored pile of shit that definitely was not human.  I concluded, while still stroking, that it could only be cat shit, as I have extensive knowledge of cat shit.  Then, while still stroking, I pondered as to how cat shit, and so much of it at that, got into a Port Potty in the middle of a construction site?  I imagined, while still stroking, that one of the workers who had to clean up stray cat shit around the site, finally got sick of it.  He gathered up all the stray cats, took them by the arm full to the Port Potties.  He then proceeded to squeeze there abdomens with both hands hard and fast.  The cats yelp “MRRRROOOOOWWW!!!” and it was over, the cat shits itself into the pit like a squeezed toothpaste tube, he tosses the now evacuated cat out the door to continue on with its day, and does the rest of them; no more work site clean up.  Still stroking, I conclude that that could be the only...only……only……….uuuunnnnngggghhhh…….uuuuuhhhhhh…uuuuuuuhh…the only way cat shit could have gotten into the shit pit, in a Porta Potty, on a construction site.  I think I just jacked off, in Porta Potty, to cat shit, that’s a first on top of a first, literally.  Does anybody have a tissue, this Potty’s all out! 

Sources:

1)      My memory

2)      Schorn, Daniel. China:Too Many Men. CBSnews.com. 2009. Web. (accessed

29AUG2011).