ARCHIPELAGO OF ASSHOLES

I do a little freelance proctology on the weekends to help out my local community.  After all, there were approx. 240,000 new cases of prostate cancer and 33,000 deaths in 2011, so you can’t be too safe.  It is usually a pretty simple procedure.  If you’ve ever been in the military you’ve had a finger up your ass, involuntarily, at least once.  For those of you that haven’t; allow me to explain.  I have a van that says “Check your butt for the cure” which, I admit, is a tasteless knockoff of the breast cancer organization Susan G. Komen for the Cure, but it gets people’s attention.  Instead of pink my colors are, obviously, brown which makes for a more fashionably conscious clothing and apparel line, along with the obvious promotional benefits.  I mean . . . pepto bismol pink, while certainly bringing notice to the cause of breast cancer, isn’t exactly a color that goes well with your Dolce and Gabbana handbag.  My prostate cancer brown color promotes butt cancer AND looks awesome with the entire Calvin Klein fall men’s clothing line.  So, anyway, I drive my van around to art shows, state fairs, rodeos, jazz festivals, etc., and stick a finger up people’s asses for their health.  I do it completely free and only ask for donations so I can recoup some of my fuel, latex glove, and lubricant expenses.  Normally, it’s the same ol’ same ol’:  Poop stained buttholes, bleached porn star buttholes, cow-sized buttholes, perky virgin buttholes, old man hemorrhoidal buttholes, etc.  Last week, however, I was at a free concert called “The Masculine Man’s Music Festival” which was promoted by this team of guy’s who called themselves the UNGAY BOYS (Post: UNGAY BOYS, SEP 9,2011), and got quite a shock with this one customer.  I remember that I was swamped that day.  I was fingering assholes left and right and couldn’t understand why I was so damn popular at that festival, when this one guy named Rudolfo came in.  He must have had a family history of prostate cancer and was probably very nervous about it because he eagerly pulled his pants down right when he walked in.   I was taken aback when he turned around and bent over for me to check his prostate because he had some unusual anatomy.  He had not one asshole as you or I might, but 14 individual and separate anuses.  He had an archipelago of assholes.  If you were looking at map of the Hawaiian or Indonesian islands archipelago and replaced the islands with assholes that’s what it looked like in between his butt cheeks.  The assholes started just behind his balls and were peppered up the length of his ass crack going as high as, and ending at, the very lowest portion of his back.  It was quite breathtaking.  I asked him if he had multiple intestines that supplied each anus.  He told me that he defecates from the same large intestine except that at the very end of the intestine it splits into 14 separate anal cavities.  He told me that he’s really popular at gay pride parade after parties.  I chit chatted with him for a little bit and then decided it was time to get down to business.  I am happy to say that Rudolfo, and his 14 anal cavities are free of prostate cancer.  That day at the Masculine Man’s Music Festival,  I had had my work cut out for me, particularly, with Rudolfo, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.