PANDEMIC TEAM MASCOTS

I was thinking, the other day, about sports team mascots.  I’d imagine their primary purpose, other than a rallying figure, is to invoke some sort of fear in the competition or to intimidate.  Here are some examples of fearsome sports mascots that just by their very nature, reputation, or look could/should, at least subliminally, induce anxiety in the opposition: 

UC-Irvine Anteaters- may not seem intimidating but think about the wholesale mass slaughter of ants by the 1000’s every time it eats.

Sandiego State University Aztecs- Ripping hearts out of motherfuckers for sacrificial ceremonies I think qualifies as intimidating

Valparaiso University Crusaders- Whoopin’ ass all over Mesopotamia to preserve the faith.

Toronto Raptors- Cause everyone saw what happened to the cow that got lowered into the Raptor cage, as a snack, in Jurassic Park, plus with those talons the raptors, as a species, are phenomenal at basketball.

Watford Football Club Hornets- Can you say anaphylactic shock!  If you’re allergic and hornets come after you, you’re fucked.

Now, I realize that’s just a cunt hair’s worth of examples but I don’t have all day and you get where I’m going with this.  So what if you’re mascot IS NOT bad ass, or is NOT intimidating.  Don’t you think that plays a factor in the team’s and fan’s self confidence and thus, in turn, their chances of winning?  For those lame ass mascots I propose to give them an upgrade.  If you’re goal is to imply that you’re sports team’s intent is to go Mortal Kombat on the opponent and rip their fucking head off or outright kill them then here is my idea.  Use diseases, bacteria, amoebas, etc.  What’s more terrifying than Cholera? How about Malaria or Typhoid? Shit, instead of being called the Nebraska State Corn Huskers, they’d now be the Nebraska State Bubonics.  I mean, the bubonic plague killed upwards of 75 million people in the 14^th century alone, tell me that won’t get your rivals shaking in their boots.   I could go on forever:  Tennessee State tapeworms; the Alabama State Auto Immune Deficiency Syndromes; The New Jersey State Necrotizing Fasciitis’.  If I were to name a newly emerging team I’m pretty sure I’d go straight for devastating diseases.  My team’s intent would be clearly understood by the rival.  You can shoot a bear or an eagle or a corn husker but you better have some serious antibiotics on hand to stop me motherfucker! Even then, I may be an antibiotics resistant strain and then you’d really be fucked.