As you all know I have five cats. My goal was to have six because that is the lagrangian point between the two sides of being the crazy cat lady (or guy in my case). If you go to a party and say you have five or seven cats people look at you crazy, yet, if you say you have a “half-dozen cats”; now you’re trendy and everyone wants to get to know you. As I am a cat enthusiast, I always fantasized about being a rare cat breeder. One of the most expensive cats is the Asher cat that goes for about $28,000. I would need to have a viable cat for breeding and selling the babies to make my money back and then a surplus. I wouldn’t want to be in the hole for 28K just because of a cat; it’s an investment. You figure you sell the baby Asher cats for $7,000 a piece (which is a steal by the way) and in one litter you’ve broken even. So about a year ago I went and bought my Asher using the money I got by selling my wife to a Saudi Arabian sheik. I’ll tell you what; I had tears in my eyes cause this cat was so gorgeous. I mean, if I was a cat; I’d fuck that cat. Hell, I’m a human and I wanna fuck that cat cause it’s so bad ass! Anyways, so I immediately started looking around for someone with a female Asher cat that I could mate my male cat Roscoe with. Despite the Asher breed being very rare I lucked out and found a woman in Madagascar with a female Asher. We exchanged information and she was going to buy a ticket to meet in a central location, like France, to let the two cats bump uglies, when a tragedy happened. I was doing the dishes and had turned on the garbage disposal to chew up the refuse that had collected in the drain. I always carry a laser light pen in my left pocket for fun time with Roscoe. The laser pen fell out of my shirt pocket and into the drain while the disposal was going. The laser light pen was shooting dots all over the ceiling wildly as the pen was being tossed and mangled inside the disposal. Roscoe, of course, went crazy chasing it and leaped into the air to get the dots that were peppering the overhead like machine gun fire. While he was hovering in the air over the sink in mid leap, the pen had reached its failing point in the blades of the disposal. It exploded and laser pen shrapnel came flying out of the sink drain. I was hit just under my right eye with little injury, but Roscoe wasn’t so lucky. He took a pen shard to his neck and fell to the ground paralyzed and near death. A year later, Roscoe is fine but still unable to use any of his limbs and his little cat penis is completely flaccid. So, even if I wanted to breed him with a female he not only couldn’t mount the other cat, but he wouldn’t even be able to “get it in”. I sat there deep in debt due to the initial purchase of Roscoe and the subsequent money spent on surgeries after the spinal injury. I realized what I would have to do. I needed to jack this cat off. The problem is that, well, I’m a working man. My hands are too rough and tough; I’d just end up ripping poor Roscoe’s dick off mid stroke. I needed someone with dexterous hands, someone that could jack this cat off not too hard, but not too soft. I also remembered how fast cats fuck. They are like jack rabbits. So now I needed someone who had hand dexterity AND speed. Hmmmmm…. I KNOW!! A violinist! That’s it! They’re perfect for it. If you’ve ever heard a violinist play Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Flight of the Bumblebee” you’ll understand why they are ideal cat masturbators. So I hired Guinness World Record holder David Garrett to be that man. I now have David milk Roscoe for his white man syrup about every week. Once I have the tomcat juice I use a taxidermy stuffed Serval cat set in the mounting position to act as Roscoe’s stand in. In the stuffed cat’s penis I have inserted an injection nozzle which I fill through a hole in its rear end. Then I bang the shit out the female Asher cats with the stuffed cat busting a nut at the precise moment and voila! Cat impregnation! I’m happy, David Garrett is happy, and Roscoe is definitely happy. It’s a win, win, win situation.
Side Note: The use of "Lagrangian point" isn't exactly correct as it is used in physics to describe the gravitational equilibrium points within the Earth, Moon, and Sun system where if they were out of those spots would potentially start being pulled in towards one another. I use it, loosely, to describe the equilibrium point in between the two social outcast boundaries of cat lady/guy status. If you care.
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