CENTENARIAN NARCO LORDS

An underground epidemic is occurring that few, if any, people know about.  It involves an insidiously addictive new drug, if you can call it that, which makes the crack epidemic of the 1980’s look like a frat house rufee party for naïve freshman college girls.  The most prevalent targets of these addicts are older men; the older the better.  The most prized of that demographic are the centenarians (those who have reached 100 years or above in age), and of those the most rare and highly prized are the super centenarians (humans having reach 110 years of age or older).  Many elderly men, believe it or not, are facilitators of these addicts, and thus the catalysts for the rapid up-tick in addiction cases and violent crimes related to it.  What is this new drug that is sweeping the Nation?  If you’ve ever heard the joke “He’s so old that when he busts-a-nut, powder comes out!”, then you’re more apt than most to understand the dilemma.  No one quite knows where it started but the urban myth runs along the lines of those propogated about the AIDS virus.  For AIDS it was a “known fact” that a gay guy went to Africa, fucked a monkey that was infected with the virus, travelled back to the United States thus unleashing that plague upon everyone….thanks gay guy.   Similarly, the gay community has “allegedly” contributed to this scourge that has befallen us as well.  The urban myth goes that in a public bathroom in San Francisco one of the stalls had a hole drilled into the wall of it.  This modification of course instantly converts it into a GLORY HOLE room.  One day a young gay man, or straight man looking to validate his heterosexuality (see Post THE UNGAY BOYS, 9SEP2011), goes into the glory hole stall.  A centenarian of 105 years old is in the stall next to him and inserts his penis through the hole.  After 10 solid minutes the elderly mystery man’s cock is fully fellatiated and he ejaculates.   Rather than a gelatinous mass permeated with spermatozoa the young man gets a mouth full poof of powderized man fertilizer.  What, until that day in San Francisco, had yet to be discovered by the gay community, or heterosexuality curious community, is that powderized ejaculate creates an extremely euphoric effect in humans.  Scientists do not yet know why powdered jizz has such a potent narcotic nature whereas normal gelatinous cum does nothing.  The euphoric feeling is on par with or better than that of heroine, and the ultimate benefit is that it is, in theory, free.    The demand for old man ejaculate shot through the roof.  Highly addicted jizzheads began raiding retirement communities, nursing homes, bingo parlors, and VFW’s everywhere.   Old men were being sucked off left and right.  The fact that elderly men were likely to be on a fixed income did not help the situation as they were more and more likely to bust powdery nuts into young men’s mouths for extra cash.  So many old men were being fellatio’d that they, literally, began running dry, no pun intended.  So these young men began experimenting with other methods such as taking raw ejaculate from younger men, putting it in a spoon, heating it until it crystallized and then sniffing it.  It worked, but as far as sniffing jizz goes it was the equivalent of smoking skunk weed vs. some sweet sticky-icky Kine bud.   It just isn’t as good.   This significant desire for “the older the berry the sweeter the jizz” product has created the equivalent of narco-bosses out of some super-centenarians.  They have harems of the oldest fucks imaginable hopped up on cocktails of rufees (to keep them sedated) and Viagra (to keep them hard and producing).  These super-centenarian drug lords milk their centenarian and sub-centenarian captives like cattle creating mounds of powderized ejaculate that sells for millions of dollars.  The reason you haven’t heard of this is because who the fuck would be believe there are 110+ year old Scar Faces out there with Narco Sperm Empires.  It’s usually dismissed as just another gay slander against elderly homosexuals and nothing more is said about it.   I just wanted to make you all aware of it so your children, homosexual or not, do not succumb to this epidemic. 

After Thought: Seeing as how everyone is looking for the next big high because the government keeps making everything except the pharmaceuticals they're selling illegal, it's actually pretty amazing that it took this long for people to figure out that powderized jizz gets you lifted.  I suppose prior to this discovery the only things you did with jizz were swallow, spit, or dodge it.  So, maybe it's not such a surprise it took this long after all.

HAPPY HOLOCAUST

With Thanksgiving coming up soon I always get revved up for the mass slaughter of turkeys that occurs each year.  Despite PETA’s best efforts American’s blood lust for this fat ass bird is limitless.  Do you know why?  Cause they taste fucking delicious! What? Did you expect me to say something else?  I have, however, noticed that the swine is making an increasing dent in the table toppings year by year.  I see more and more honey hams as the main dish all by itself, and this encroachment got me thinking.  I contacted the ASPCA (The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) for information on some of the most prevalent animals species found and neglected.   Assuming I was interested in volunteer work or something they eagerly ran down the list of the creatures.  Obviously, dogs and cats were at the top as they are a common feral animal.  They are followed by gerbils (tossed after anal sex I’d imagine), birds (when you run out of bird seed to sprinkle on your balls), snakes (same reason as gerbils), iguanas (when you run out of crickets for it to eat off your balls), and so on.  After getting that list I teamed up with my buddy Derrick who has one of those big ass barbecue pits on wheels that he tows behind his truck and sells awesome BBQ at sports events, festivals, etc.  I handed him a basket full of puppies that I had recently adopted from the kennel for free, as they were about to be euthanized.  You see, if you grab them up within 2 hours of their execution time you get them for free, whereas if you are too early you gotta pay all those bullshit fees and fill out shitloads of paperwork.  The kennel looks at it from a cost savings perspective.  They figure the animal was a goner anyway and this way they don’t have to pay for the injection, disposal, and associated man hours expended.  So anyways, I said to Derrick “Bro, you make some amazing BBQ out of pork, chicken, steak, etc., but if I were to have you cook up these dogs could you make them just as good?”  Derrick responded with “Shit son! I love dog!  In fact I cooked up a whole German shepherd last week and fed it to these yahoos at a soccer game and they loved that shit.  I’ve got an entire underground market for unorthodox BBQ.  Why what’s up?”  I told him that my plan was to curb the yearly holocaust of the turkey and swine by introducing the forgotten other white meat in this country; the neglected feral animals and house pets.   I said all it would take would be a campaign to convince the American people that a basket full of warm gerbils was just as delicious as, and easier to distribute than, carving a cumbersome turkey or ham.  A plate full of snakes makes better sandwiches for the kids for the rest of the week as leftovers than a turkey ever could.  If Edward Bernays could dupe the American public into believing “bacon and eggs” was a hearty/healthy breakfast to help the pork industry sell more bacon in 1920’s, then I will create my own catch phrase by replacing it with “kitty and eggs”, or Thanksgiving Golden Retriever.  If you’re good at BBQ, you can make a cow patty taste like hickory flavored heaven, and sell like hotcakes.  Some may say that I’m just swapping one species for another and that soon it’ll just be a holocaust for some other creatures.  For one, the turkey and swine are mass bred for feeding.  These creatures aren’t roaming around whilly nilly cat calling on a fence because somebody was allergic to them or gasping for air out some guys asshole cause he likes it when gerbils squirm; they are kept in a confined area before being hacked up with surgical precision and efficiency.  In addition, the continued breeding of these turkeys and swine has to be thinning out their DNA pool leaving a massive amount of inbred and retarded turkeys that you are eating, probably resulting in your own retardation.  Secondly, I am doing a public service by cleaning up the streets of unwanted animals that might get adopted, but would more than likely get the gas chamber.  So, you’re welcome.  It’s like hunting.  They have a hunting season so that the deer population doesn’t explode and every ¼ mile that you drive you and your baby are risking head first-ing it through the windshield cause they are like flies on Haitian kid’s dick.  My holocaust of the unwanted house pets and strays is one of mercy and bounty.  Mercy for them to alleviate their suffering and bounty because millions of citizens will have warm, gravy smothered hamsters, gerbils, cats, dogs, snakes, mongooses, rabbits,  and goldfishes to eat.  So if you start seeing commercials with happy smiling children chowing down on cranberry sauce and calico kittens just know that it’s for a good cause.  It’s okay….they’re delicious.  I promise. 

ARCHIPELAGO OF ASSHOLES

I do a little freelance proctology on the weekends to help out my local community.  After all, there were approx. 240,000 new cases of prostate cancer and 33,000 deaths in 2011, so you can’t be too safe.  It is usually a pretty simple procedure.  If you’ve ever been in the military you’ve had a finger up your ass, involuntarily, at least once.  For those of you that haven’t; allow me to explain.  I have a van that says “Check your butt for the cure” which, I admit, is a tasteless knockoff of the breast cancer organization Susan G. Komen for the Cure, but it gets people’s attention.  Instead of pink my colors are, obviously, brown which makes for a more fashionably conscious clothing and apparel line, along with the obvious promotional benefits.  I mean . . . pepto bismol pink, while certainly bringing notice to the cause of breast cancer, isn’t exactly a color that goes well with your Dolce and Gabbana handbag.  My prostate cancer brown color promotes butt cancer AND looks awesome with the entire Calvin Klein fall men’s clothing line.  So, anyway, I drive my van around to art shows, state fairs, rodeos, jazz festivals, etc., and stick a finger up people’s asses for their health.  I do it completely free and only ask for donations so I can recoup some of my fuel, latex glove, and lubricant expenses.  Normally, it’s the same ol’ same ol’:  Poop stained buttholes, bleached porn star buttholes, cow-sized buttholes, perky virgin buttholes, old man hemorrhoidal buttholes, etc.  Last week, however, I was at a free concert called “The Masculine Man’s Music Festival” which was promoted by this team of guy’s who called themselves the UNGAY BOYS (Post: UNGAY BOYS, SEP 9,2011), and got quite a shock with this one customer.  I remember that I was swamped that day.  I was fingering assholes left and right and couldn’t understand why I was so damn popular at that festival, when this one guy named Rudolfo came in.  He must have had a family history of prostate cancer and was probably very nervous about it because he eagerly pulled his pants down right when he walked in.   I was taken aback when he turned around and bent over for me to check his prostate because he had some unusual anatomy.  He had not one asshole as you or I might, but 14 individual and separate anuses.  He had an archipelago of assholes.  If you were looking at map of the Hawaiian or Indonesian islands archipelago and replaced the islands with assholes that’s what it looked like in between his butt cheeks.  The assholes started just behind his balls and were peppered up the length of his ass crack going as high as, and ending at, the very lowest portion of his back.  It was quite breathtaking.  I asked him if he had multiple intestines that supplied each anus.  He told me that he defecates from the same large intestine except that at the very end of the intestine it splits into 14 separate anal cavities.  He told me that he’s really popular at gay pride parade after parties.  I chit chatted with him for a little bit and then decided it was time to get down to business.  I am happy to say that Rudolfo, and his 14 anal cavities are free of prostate cancer.  That day at the Masculine Man’s Music Festival,  I had had my work cut out for me, particularly, with Rudolfo, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  

THE HIGHEST FIVE

I used to hate high fiving people but lately I’ve seen a resurgence of this multi use practice and I want back on the band wagon.  I say “multi-use” because if you think about it, high fiving is so versatile.  You can use it as a greeting, a congratulations, a celebratory action, a way to make a fool of someone as in “high five, down low, too slow”,  and even as a hip performance as in high fiving in the front as you walk by someone and then following with a reverse low five just as you pass.  The most awesome thing about high fives is that you don’t even need a cooperative or even aware partner for a high five.  I was at the trial for a murderer, as a witness, last month.  When he stood up and the bailiff told him to raise his right hand to swear his oath I leapt over the table towards him.  I managed to steal a free high five on his raised right hand before the bailiff pepper sprayed and beat me unconscious with his baton.  The verdict on court room oath high fives?  Totally worth it!  As if that wasn’t awesome enough I went to a neo Nazi rally I heard about on AryanNations.org.  I was drunk with ecstasy when everyone “Heiled Hitler”.  Let’s just say that when I woke up in the hospital a week later the only thing that hurt more than my broken jaw and crushed testicle, was the bruise on my hand from all those involuntary high fives I stole!  I can’t, however, say the same for the Black Panthers rally that I went to because you can’t high five a raised fist.  So, I didn’t get any high fives there, but I did, however, get my first gunshot wound in my left ass cheek, so that’s pretty cool.  I’ve been going crazy lately.  I’ve been slapping fives at auctions when they raise their hands; whacking the shit out of those little smarty nerds in elementary school classes that know the answers; getting some mid range fives from dirty bums with their hands out for change; people hailing cabs, and sailor’s wives on the pier as their husband’s ships sail away on deployment.  In fact, I’ve high fived so many times in the last month that I’ve developed quite the callus on my palm.  So much so that I could give a hand job to a running chainsaw and probably not feel it.  Despite the rough hands I plan on continuing in my palm punishing quest.  The more high fives I give, the more it catches on and therefore the more high fives I get.  It’s a perpetual motion machine of high fives and I’m right in the middle of it.