When I’m taking a shit on the
toilet I like to keep my mind occupied.
I like to read magazines, read the toxic ingredients on the back of a
shampoo bottles, or count tiles on the floor, anything to keep my mind off of
the exchange that is taking place between my asshole and the toilet. If I think too much about the shitting
process I’ll second guess myself and try to suck it back in.
The same
thing occurs when I jack off. For most
people, masturbation is a focused process.
You are intently zoned into the fantasy of the male dwarf in a cowboy
outfit that’s too small, the donkey in a superman costume with electrodes
attached to its testicles, and the box full of mousetraps with a dildo at the
bottom. If fantasy is not your thing and
you are more utilitarian, then the free 30 second online porno flick that you
are watching and re-clicking to restart until you bust a nut may be your thing. Those two examples show how intense the event
of masturbation is where you are fully immersed in the experience and focused
solely on whatever stimuli excites you to get you off. That’s why when a teenager is masturbating
they always get busted because they never hear their dad or mom walking down
the hall and coming into their room because they have tuned it out in order to
fully concentrate.
For me,
just like when shitting, I like to keep my mind off of the process. I never used to do that but over the years I
have forcefully trained myself to self-distract while masturbating. I like to be able to multitask while
repeatedly yanking on my milk muscle.
Typically, I will be sitting at my computer with some raunchy video of a
woman getting off by rubbing her unusually large clit or the 90 year old great
grandmother getting pounded out by the 20 year, hung like a sperm whale, black
guy or, on Fridays, the transsexual getting railed reverse cowboy style. Meanwhile, I am reverse palming my dick with
my left hand as opposed to my right hand.
My free right hand is typing on just one key of the keyboard, usually a capital
“H” or that symbol that nobody uses above the 6 key “^”. This keeps my focus off of the dolphin
flogging process and on the distracter. It’s
interesting to look at my typing frequency and results after I have finished
because it usually goes like this during a 1 minute sample clip of a chick
giving a horse a blowjob:
0-20 seconds: ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
20-30 seconds:^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
30-50 seconds:^
^ ^ ^
^ ^ ^
^ ^ ^
^ ^ ^
^ ^ ^
^ ^ ^
^
50-60
seconds:^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
/ \
Finish: ^ ^
O
You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to masturbate with
your left hand and manipulate the shift key and the number 6 key at the same
time to get “^” consistently. That is
the kind of discipline I have had to impose upon myself to achieve this level
of multitasking ability. Now I can bust
a nut to an S&M video of a chick in a latex suit and nipple clips getting
stuffed with a dildo that would cause an elephant to flinch in pain while
performing all manner of additional tasks with my other hand. Here is a list of some of the things I can do
while rubbing one out that you novices can’t even imagine doing:
Shaving, eating an apple, catching up on some reading,
writing a thesis for my online Sociology class, talking with my mom on the
phone without having to use speaker phone (definitely a plus), applying an
exfoliating apricot and chamomile facial mask, dying my hair so I have badass
blond highlights like Zack Morris from Saved
by the Bell, folding laundry, organizing coupons and receipts, stirring
creamer into my coffee, looking up discount plane flights to Kansas, practicing
on my harmonica, and of course re-clicking the damn video because I never get
their before the horse does. Well, I
hope this inspires you to instill some discipline in your masturbation sessions
so you too can be a Masturbatory Multitasker.
