VICTORIOUS VOYEUR

I have this female neighbor whose bedroom is easily within view from my upstairs bedroom.  At night, around 6pm she goes up to her bedroom and proceeds to undress, in full view of everyone from her window.  She gets butt naked.  I watch her most nights in the cover of darkness.  So, last night I was peeping, as I usually do.  She was doing her usual thing; halter top off; shorts slid down; steps out of them; bra unclipped and removed; panties drop and then she heads out of view for a couple minutes to grab her iPod and comb for her hair.  So she went out of view and I had a few minutes to sit there, like always.  Out of anticipating boredom I start scanning the other houses in the immediate vicinity thinking I might get lucky and notice another backup nude chick.  I’m looking and looking and looking and….hey….what the?….  I winced my eyes to focus my night vision a little better and notice that just across the way there is another window with some jackass doing the same thing that I am!  Motherfucker!  I curse at him from my darkened bedroom perch, “Get your own god damn voyeur chick, this one is mine!” For the next 20 minutes the girl is combing her hair and rubbing lotion on herself, as usual, but I can’t fucking enjoy MYSELF because dickhead pervert across the way is obviously enjoying HIMSELF by how his window is steaming up.  What a PERVERT!  I was so distraught from the experience that I decided if he insists on looking as well, then I’ll have the better view, at least, and went out and bought a small pair of hunting binoculars the next day.  That night was pretty nice; the binos worked great.  I could see the color of her eyes now and that the tattoo on her inner hip was a pair of cherries, obviously indicating that she must like eating that particular fruit.  I looked over at that fucking douche bag with a smug smile and he knew there was no way he could see even close to the detail that I was.  The next night I was excited to use my binos again until I was shocked to see that Fuckstick now had a larger and obviously more expensive pair of binoculars of his own!  Asshole!  I wonder what the fuck he’s seeing with those things?!  Shit!  I hope he can’t see that ornament attached to her belly button ring with those!  The next night I came with guns-a-blazon.  I stole my nephew’s Junior Astronomer Telescope from his bedroom and it opened up a whole new world.  I could see individual strands of hair being combed, goose bumps on her breasts from the chill of her air conditioner, and finally the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ornament on her belly button ring!  Fantastic! …….wait a minute…..is that?  No! That motherfucker!  How did he know that….?  Look at the size of that telescope he’s got!!  It’s gotta be 5 feet long and a diameter of 2 feet!  You could see an alien’s dick on Neptune with that fucking thing.  What the hell is he looking at? Her DNA!?  I was sick and tired of this faggul’s antics!  So, I decided to just eliminate the competition rather than try and outsmart him.  You can’t get soft when it comes to these perverts.  He was looking at me with his fucking smug and cocky little face, thinking he’d won.  That is until the lights suddenly kicked on in his bedroom and two police officers, who got an anonymous tip about a peeping tom at that address, came and took him away.  Surprise shithead!  That dipshit should have known that when you throw one steak in front of two dogs that only one is gonna walk away full.  Fuck him! Now back to the show.

TRAPPED ON DOUCHE BAG ISLAND

I’m sure you’ve all known that one work associate or acquaintance that is a total condescending douche bag.  They always feel it necessary to make you look stupid or correct you with some paltry bit of knowledge they know that you don’t, in order to validate themselves.  The IT computer guy at (insert company) comes to mind as a good example.  “Ummm .. It’s Windows 7, not Vista … du’h… the HTML doesn’t load the same, hehehe, everybody knows that, stupid.”  Yeah, you know the type.  Luckily, in life, those unique personalities are only sprinkled amongst society.  Unluckily for me, I was recently trapped in a room with 6 of them all at once.  When you die, and if you were a bad boy or girl, and are religious, and go to hell, the idea is to suffer for eternity reliving the worst nightmare imaginable.  If I had the choice of going through one more day with those shitheads OR to suffer an eternity of having Satan himself butt fuck me with his huge horn-shaped and spike covered red cock while having my balls scorched with a butane torch; I would pick the latter.  

The amazing thing is that they apparently have no idea what incredible pricks they are, and it’s not even worth letting them know because they can’t even conceive of themselves as anything other than awesome.  I mean, I suppose I may be a douche bag, myself, without even knowing it, however it’s extremely unlikely due to the fact that I am fucking amazing, have a huge penis, and everyone fucking loves me, but you get the idea.  So, I’m stuck in this room with them, let’s just say it was a training seminar that allowed opportunities for everyone to express themselves.  I was unusually introverted, as to not provoke more moronic conversation than was absolutely necessary.  I spent 6 hours gritting my teeth and wincing in pain as I was ear-raped by these spider monkeys; these human-hyena hybrids; these….fucking douche bags.  Like having to listen to finger nails down a chalk board or a fork scraping zigzag on a ceramic plate, I was tortured relentlessly.   Debates raged on about who was the most travelled, the best athlete, the most highly trained, had the most divorces, who was the most  mature due to their knowledge of 80’s and 90’s trivia (the last topic was a draw due to everyone’s equal knowledge level when it came to ThunderCats and Gloria Estefan music).   Just as I drew the imaginary Smith&Wesson revolver from it’s hallucinated holster, cocked the lucidly dreamt hammer back, and placed it to my quivering temple, the instructor notified the class that we were done.  I was drenched in sweat and shaking, but it was all over.  I had survived, without going to prison for disemboweling every fucking cocksucker in the place with my Las Vegas Nudie Girl revealing ball point pen.