I noticed something while my skull was getting molested by Suki, at the barber shop, yesterday (post "Suki's S&M Special" from 8SEP2011). With all those guys she was “servicing” there were mounds and mounds of hair on the floor. I asked Suki what she did with all that hair, if anything. She said she takes it home and makes luxurious garment bags, hats, etc., out of it all. She takes the hair, puts it on a spinning wheel and weaves it into thread like you would sheep’s wool or cotton. With that hair thread she then crochets it into those items and sells them on Ebay for a shitload of money. After hearing that I thought to myself “Damn, all that cat hair, from my five cats at home, that is coating the couches, chairs, floor, and every-fucking-thing else, I could put it to good use as well, just like Suki. So that night when I got home I took my Dirt Devil portable vacuum and started sucking up every bit of cat hair I could find. There were 12 Home Depot buckets full of cat hair when I was done. At that point, I was fucking siked. My brain was reeling with ideas of what to do with all that cat wool. At that very moment all five of my cats came screaming into the living room where I was standing. The first one, being chased by the second, who was being pursued by the third, and the fourth and fifth galloping behind the whole group as if motivating them to go even faster! The first and second cats jumped onto the glass table in front of the couch knocking over a vase full of water and flowers which smashed on the floor, soaking the carpet. The third and fourth cats who were hot on their heels couldn’t stop in time before hitting the cascade of water, from the vase, flowing off the table. They freaked out and veered in all directions, knocking over my T.V., which promptly got smashed, they tore a hole in my couch and knocked over various other items. Finally, the fifth cat, the last in the line, sees the chaos ahead that the other cats are in the midst of causing, and she panics too! She hurtles herself out of the way of the mess and directly towards my face, and with its claws, uses my cheeks and forehead as a spring board for getting out of the way, tearing deep gashes in my flesh. I howl in sharp pain!
I was so furious at the lack of discipline in my felines that I spent the entire night manufacturing a suit made, completely, out of the fur I had accumulated earlier. It was perfect! It fit like a glove! I was now ready to exert my power as the Overlord of the Cats. I vowed, out of spite, to run the household as a you would a totalitarian regime. I didn’t disappoint; the next morning I choke slammed the first cat I saw to set the tone for how things were now gonna be. The other cats came in after hearing the first cat getting fucked up and started talking their usual shit in an attempt to intimidate me! I kicked the second cat straight in the teeth and then promptly round housed the third. By this point, the fourth and fifth ones had gotten the point and quickly fell in line. I had reestablished my dominance as the head Cat in my household. “Fuck these cats!” I said to myself,” I’m the king dick now!!”
