HORSE PLAY MARKETING

Horse porn needs to market itself better.  I think there is some huge potential in that niche’ of the industry.  Now granted; of all the bestiality porn, horse porn is far better known and embraced then let’s say, pig porn or snake porn.  I mean, taking into consideration set up time alone, pig porn is far more extensive.  You have to get a heavy canvas tarp to put on the girl’s back so the pig’s hooves don’t cut hunks of flesh from her, feed the pig prior so it doesn’t chew into the back of her skull, and wrap the big into a harness system with counterweights to reduce the weight on the back of the actress.  In addition, the only position she can be in is doggy style.   You might get a pork flavored BJ out of it but frankly, who wants to see some chick sucking off a fat ass pig.  Horses on the other hand, have the danger factor of being trampled to death, getting a 3 foot long dick rammed  into their abdomen (as was the case with the Boeing engineer Kenneth Pinyan who died from anal sex with a horse [the video is amazing by the way]), or drowning in horse jizz.  The marketing problem that horse porn has, as I mentioned at the beginning, is that it’s apparently relegated to just Brazilian girls or rednecks.  It’s limiting itself.  With some variety it may draw a bigger audience.  Dress the horses up in school girl outfits, bring out some pigmy horses ala midget porn, have the girls strapped onto the horses belly and get banged as the horses gallop,  I mean the possibilities are endless.  So; horse porn industry, let’s break the shackles of the mundane farm scenes and get creative; you’re livelihood may depend on it. 

M&M DISCIPLINE

When I’m taking a shit on the toilet I like to keep my mind occupied.  I like to read magazines, read the toxic ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottles, or count tiles on the floor, anything to keep my mind off of the exchange that is taking place between my asshole and the toilet.  If I think too much about the shitting process I’ll second guess myself and try to suck it back in. 

            The same thing occurs when I jack off.  For most people, masturbation is a focused process.  You are intently zoned into the fantasy of the male dwarf in a cowboy outfit that’s too small, the donkey in a superman costume with electrodes attached to its testicles, and the box full of mousetraps with a dildo at the bottom.  If fantasy is not your thing and you are more utilitarian, then the free 30 second online porno flick that you are watching and re-clicking to restart until you bust a nut may be your thing.  Those two examples show how intense the event of masturbation is where you are fully immersed in the experience and focused solely on whatever stimuli excites you to get you off.  That’s why when a teenager is masturbating they always get busted because they never hear their dad or mom walking down the hall and coming into their room because they have tuned it out in order to fully concentrate. 

            For me, just like when shitting, I like to keep my mind off of the process.  I never used to do that but over the years I have forcefully trained myself to self-distract while masturbating.  I like to be able to multitask while repeatedly yanking on my milk muscle.  Typically, I will be sitting at my computer with some raunchy video of a woman getting off by rubbing her unusually large clit or the 90 year old great grandmother getting pounded out by the 20 year, hung like a sperm whale, black guy or, on Fridays, the transsexual getting railed reverse cowboy style.  Meanwhile, I am reverse palming my dick with my left hand as opposed to my right hand.  My free right hand is typing on just one key of the keyboard, usually a capital “H” or that symbol that nobody uses above the 6 key “^”.   This keeps my focus off of the dolphin flogging process and on the distracter.  It’s interesting to look at my typing frequency and results after I have finished because it usually goes like this during a 1 minute sample clip of a chick giving a horse a blowjob:

0-20 seconds:  ^                      ^                      ^                      ^                      ^                 ^

20-30 seconds:^          ^          ^          ^          ^          ^          ^          ^          ^          ^

30-50 seconds:^    ^    ^    ^    ^     ^   ^     ^    ^    ^    ^     ^   ^     ^    ^    ^    ^    ^    ^     ^  

50-60 seconds:^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

                                                           /      \

Finish:                                                 ^    ^

                                                             O

You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to masturbate with your left hand and manipulate the shift key and the number 6 key at the same time to get “^” consistently.  That is the kind of discipline I have had to impose upon myself to achieve this level of multitasking ability.  Now I can bust a nut to an S&M video of a chick in a latex suit and nipple clips getting stuffed with a dildo that would cause an elephant to flinch in pain while performing all manner of additional tasks with my other hand.  Here is a list of some of the things I can do while rubbing one out that you novices can’t even imagine doing:

Shaving, eating an apple, catching up on some reading, writing a thesis for my online Sociology class, talking with my mom on the phone without having to use speaker phone (definitely a plus), applying an exfoliating apricot and chamomile facial mask, dying my hair so I have badass blond highlights like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell, folding laundry, organizing coupons and receipts, stirring creamer into my coffee, looking up discount plane flights to Kansas, practicing on my harmonica, and of course re-clicking the damn video because I never get their before the horse does.  Well, I hope this inspires you to instill some discipline in your masturbation sessions so you too can be a Masturbatory Multitasker.   

PORN STAR NAMES

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FUGLY FAMILY TREE PEDIGREE

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SLUTTY CAT

Alright, lemme try and explain this so it makes some kind of sense.  As you all know I have five cats; 3 males and 2 females.  The oldest one is female and she is either REALLY horny or just REALLY friendly.  I get the impression that she isn’t interested, sexually that is, in the opposite sex of her own feline species but rather is ACTUALLY sexually attracted to humans; particularly me.  Now I could just be imagining this but I don’t think I am.  I have concluded that my cat wants my dick….

            This reason I say this is because when I pet her along her back her ass end will start to rise.  Now having been around cats for some time now I know this is pretty normal behavior.  The problem is that the more I pet her down her back the higher her butt goes and her tail shoots straight up exposing her “goods.”  She will also start drooling and purring really loud.  This may all seem normal to you but to me it’s not.  It’s a sign that she wants it and wants it BAD. 

            I think the reason I haven’t made a move on my cat yet is because I can’t quite get the logistics of it down of how to bang my slutty cat.  My human penis would simply destroy my cat’s vagina and likely kill her; however, my pinky finger might not.  I have measured my finger and guesstimated the vaginal canal width and depth of my slutty cat using visual observation.  I’m assuming that my pinky, while still very large in cat penis terms, might fit.  In addition, my slutty cat has the benefit of having given birth to a litter of kittens at one point in her life.  This means her vagina has been stretched and made more elastic than a virgin cat’s. 

            I have caught myself staring at my slutty cats little grey cotton ball vagina on several occasions and am very tempted to just pinky that little horny bitch.  The question keeps arising in my mind, however, as to what her response would be.  Elation at the fact that her much anticipated dream of banging a human has finally come true?  Shear terror and much claw slashing and biting at having been fingered by a human, not to mention the inevitable awkwardness from then on between us?  I think the unknown outcome is the biggest deterrent to me making a move.  Unfortunately, I guess I’ll never get up the nerve to give my pussy’s pussy a try.  Fucking tease!

           

UN GAY BOYS 4 (DOUBLE TAKE)

So Rawbee and I were talkin’ to some bitches last weekend.  I was trying to get a Blow job and Rawbee was trying to get some anal action from this slut he was talkin’ to.  They weren’t havin’ it and I was like:

[ME]:  Yo, Rawbee let’s beat it these bitches ain’t puttin’ out and I’m trying to break my all time pussy slayin’ record tonight.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right Rusty, this shit’s takin’ too long, let’s bounce.

[ME]:  Where we gonna go to get some ass then?

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, I just remembered something… there’s this new club that just opened up in the gay district called THE DOUBLE TAKE.  We need to go to that shit tonight!

[ME]:  Oh hell yeah, I almost forgot that bitches love hanging out with gay guys cause they feel more comfortable and let loose more and shit!  That place will be crawlin’ with hoes.

[RAWBEE]:  You got that right brotha’.  We’ll be like stealth fighters.  We pretend that we’re a couple of homos, get up on um’, they get comfortable cause they think we’re gay and then they’ll be getting’ comfortable on this big hetero dick!  “ SURPRISE BITCH YOU JUST BEEN UN-GAYED!”

[ME]:  Best idea you’ve ever had bro!

THE NEXT MORNING:_________________________________________________

[RAWBEE]:  Yo, that club was off the chain last night, son.

[ME]:  I know right!

[RAWBEE]:  Bro, I can’t believe that whole place was filled with Transvestites!  I should have figured it out from the name of the club: THE DOUBLE TAKE.  It was like a club full of….full of…..what are those queer ass things in that movie with those queers?

[ME]:  Oh snap, you mean those queer ass half horse half man things?

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah.

[ME]:  Muhfucking Centaurs, bro!

[RAWBEE]:  Yeah, yeah but instead of half horse/half man it was like half cock gobbler/half big tittied slut.

[ME]:  Yo, I got free drinks all night and I fucked like 6 of em’ in the ass in the bathroom!  Man, you gotta get a chick really drunk in a regular bar to go balls deep in her ass, but those homohoes were just takin’ it all night long.  That shit was crazy!  I was like  “YOU CHOPSHOP FAGS AIN’T NEVER BEEN FUCKED LIKE THIS HAVE YOU?  THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE GETTING BONED BY A HETERO!  SURPRISE!”

[RAWBEE]:  Aw shit that’s crazy HA AH AH!

[RAWBEE]:  This gayboy/girl was like, “You can suck on my titties if you suck my dick first.”

[ME]:  That bitch/boy must’ve been out her mind! Yo, what’d you say?

[RAWBEE]:  I was like “What?  I ain’t suckin’ your dick but YOU are still gonna let me suck on them tig ol’ bitties AND  your gonna suck on MY dick instead…”

[ME]:  Oh shit, what’d that RuPaul say?

[RAWBEE]:  That dumb ass tranny said yes!  HA! Can you believe that shit… BOOOM!  I still got it baby!  I should be a muhfucking lawyer or some shit.”

[ME]:  Yo, you still got it! “Bro, I know you were drinking hard last night but do you remember what we did at the end of the night?”

[RAWBEE]:  Shit, I’m not a light weight.  Of course I remember.  Those gay ass centaur bitches wanted to play that game they called SHOT IN THE MIDDLE.

[ME]:  Yeah, they put a two shot glasses with the most expensive liquor in the place on the floor in the middle of 10 of those trannies while they jacked off like a bunch of homos.

[RAWBEE]:  Then they each busted a nut in those two glasses and said we had to drink it.

[ME]:  Yeah but they under estimated the UNGAY BOYS didn’t they?

[RAWBEE]:  Hell yeah they did!  We picked those two glasses up, finger scooped that gay ass jizz out of um,  drank um down and said “NICE TRY YOU GAYBOYGIRLS  BUT GUESS WHAT?  YOU MIGHT WANNA FINE TUNE YOUR GAYDARS CAUSE THESE GUYS AIN’T GAY!  THANKS FOR THE ALL NIGHT DRINK FEST FAGS!”